Im tired right now.
No, not in the I’m-weary-and-sad kind of way. I mean I am sleepy and tired.
And I am too tired to work on stuff that is voluntary so I thought I may as well go through some verbal meanderings…kind of like that big breath of air you exhale as you settle into bed and kinda sink into it….okay now I know I am tired if the mental imagery once again alludes to sleepy time
Anyway, was venting to ….hmm, can’t call him AS since AS is also the Ex…okay, cast of characters:
AS is the Ex I dated for 5 years on and off, we broke up when I found out she cheated on me…and that happened again. I on the other hand cheated on her once but didn’t tell her. Oh dear. But anyway, we loved each other albeit at different periods in the relationship. That coupled with the fact that she is 2 years older and wants to settle down led to a break up.
AB, another really good friends’ now ex…one that has caused quite a few posts
AS, the Bosom Buddy who I have known since the 4th grade
SB, the best friend with whom I went to college with and is one of three I thought I could have fallen in l*** with
AS the IIIrd herewith known as Ash, girl I used to like but had an ego like mine, we spent a year playing mind games, ceased to be friends for a year and now still clash but are really good friends
NS or Guppy, a woman I love like a pal and would do almost anything for her
NM/Psi (moniker was her choosing and well I’m not commenting that it’s a measure of pressure and sounds like a depressed exhalation of air or a fart…anywho) who is a sometimes-drop-in-on-this so I wont say much more except she reminds me of a female version of me which is enough to make me stop saying anything so there
As you can see, I am bored enough to do this. Is it co-incidence that most of the women I have ever likes have names beginning with A??
Hm, life gets ‘curiouser and curiouser’ (Damnit! I cant get that expression out of my head…where on earth is it from? Ahah! ‘
So was venting to the Bosom Buddy
(I hate that expression…’bosom’ reminds me of Roald Dahl stories of portly matrons who would smother children in their ‘bosoms’ and turns out the matrons were all crazy and would cackle saying they killed them with kindness
And bitching and moaning about being a sap for liking someone and the usual aches and moans (by the way, there is no point to this, I just felt like typing) and he called me the equivalent of being a sap (he called me gay which in this parlance, means sap) and I guess I kind of agree.
Okay what follows will be an attempt to talk myself out of a very deep hole which is so clearly a mistake. Mental imagery: Danny Devito as the ringmaster, point up to a tall tall pole, spotlight follows direction, shows me in a leotard on a plank and he announces – behold a fool who is going to jump and hope he can learn to fly before splattering…tada….oh dear
But yes, I am a sap for indulging in suicidal thoughts…no, not literally (love myself way too much to have ever entertained such thoughts) but thoughts that are….which can’t lead to anything good (it’s a transferred epithet people, get with the program)…and no, I am NOT being a fatalist. But I really want to accept that I like her. And I have my rational side going, maybe it’s a rebound, maybe you want the next thing to work on, maybe you are doing this as a way of accepting a broken relationship. And I keep dispelling all those thoughts in a rational way but then I always end up asking, how can this be? Why now? Why her again?
I don’t fucking know!
I’m sure about how I feel. I just wish I were okay knowing so clearly. I guess its an insurance for the future. When I tell her and she turns me down,
Ugh…flash back to the 10th grade with some twerp I knew going, “what…(me)…proposes, AB disposes” (from the last time I told her I liked her and well, it was, in hindsight, a very kind and mature refusal)
…turns me down, at least I can tell myself, oh you weren’t sure and it was just a rebound and not a biggie
Oh dear, blacked out for a minute thinking what if….no no no no no no no, done WAY too many what if’s before, don’t want any more.
Fine, as of this minute I think I really like this girl and I think she is adorable and beautiful and everything that would be out of character to ever say out aloud…and I like being the one who makes her laugh so there fuck you crucify me now, I’m ready and I said it so there….ugh
Anyway, too tired to write now, eyes hurt, have to have dinner with relatives (nooooo, I wanna go hooomeee and sleeeeeeep please) but on a bright note going to see Guys N Dolls tomorrow…love swing, don’t love Patrick Swayze