Monday, September 30, 2013

Deciding to be better.

Deciding to be better.

It's on a cliff.  I can see the forest below me and the dark clouds saturating the green.  I can see the lightning in the clouds and I can taste the damp.  It's cool and windy, it's a storm, not a tropical, steady, heavy rain.  
Water flows through the forest and its water churns white.  
That's how I see the change I have to make.  But I welcome it, with some trepidation.  Not because I don't think I can make it.  No, that was sorted a year ago when I decided to get into shape, Sep/Oct 2012.  This is deeper and will require more energy, effort and lasting change, the effort to cement that change in place.

What's the motivation: sure, it manifests as growing older, maturing, whatever.  But that's not the feel.  It's an unlocking of potential perhaps.  But it will need work.  
It comes from a fight over a stupid trip to go shopping.  Nothing major or lasting, one where bitter words were spoken.  But a recurrent issue, an inability to cope.  But rather than incident specific, I need to gather the motivation and look it in the face.  And then wrestle with it and use it.  To cement the change.
It's a work thing.  I have consolidated.  But now it's embracing the effort that is drained at the end of the day when my head is buzzing.  
It wrestling with my other demon as well.  
It's choosing. 
It's deciding to be better.

I will pen down what it feels to be there, when I am.  

choose to eat better
continue working out
push myself at work to think to the 3rd degree
better self control
deep breath and more patience