Thursday, March 29, 2007
Is it that Z will make it in before 8, 8:30am...or that he won't take another sick day?
Of course, fuck the fact that the latest I have walked in is 7:45am instead of 7:30am and that I have taken 3 in the year, one of which was when I was sent home, by her, for having the flu...time to take care of this.
It just annoys me face time counts more than the shit I do. And fuck that, I get results goddamnit. Nevermind the fact that if you go to ask a question, you get snapped at for interrupting and if you dont give it in on time, you get snapped at or you get snapped at for not coming and clarifying, what. the. fuck
Anyway, will roll with the freaking punches. Don't have a choice, am the youngest then again.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
What if I don't notice that you got your eyebrows done and you think I don't notice the small things you do?
Or what if I forget the 7th month anniversary thingy?
Or what if I forget you are allergic something, or buy something that's the wrong size or fall asleep and don't call or become grouchy and incommunicative?
What if I show you all the chinks and you decide you can't handle them? What if I feel that perhaps it's better not to show the chinks that will make you head for the hills?
Or what if you talk about something you love and I just can't talk about it because I know next to nothing about the matter?
Monday, March 26, 2007
Sunday, March 25, 2007
(its odd. most memories i remember like pictures with the feelings coming second. This is one of the few things i remember where the memories come back more than the images. But then again, on the outside, the pictures were nothing out of the ordinary, just another elite university on the Eastern Coast)
I remember becoming disjointed from a part of me. Visualize a split. I would wake up, go to class, the library and back to bed. I could go three days without saying a word.
And it's not like I didn't try. I am sociable (last night was a good example where i went out with 9 people, sat with the four i didn't know and had a blast)). But the novelty (of being brown around white flesh (ironic how that word comes effortlessly, reducing people to nothingness)) wore off and I saw the dirtier side of things.
It's. odd. It's being. Unfeeling. Neither up nor down, neither bad nor good, days of functioning if you will. Feeling nothing. Its self awareness knocking around in an empty head, rattling away looking for something, any sign of feeling. It's going through the motions. Black and white, soundless.
And at first you wonder why and try and understand and feel something. But when you do figure out its nothing that can be changed, you accept it. But it has its impact nonetheless.
So you do bizarre things. And then in an attempt to feel anything, even pain, you end up hurting yourself. And even then, its a dull thudding, instead of feeling pain at hurting yourself, again, nothing.
So it becomes a vicious cycle and a release of emotion. Good thing I forced myself to go to a shrink. Else would have taken the other road that involved dependence on other people for any kind of affection, no matter how self-destructive it may be.
I guess my ability to fit in is over-senstized and more fluid thanks to that. So when someone says it's easy to talk to me, well, I'm glad it turned out like that. But wish I had had an easier time becoming that person.
It's odd but my references to the many 'me's' started there. In an effort to rationalize, I did split. Now there's lots of little me's running around inside my head. But some how they all get along.
Bah, all this seems so over the top and dramaticized but then again, none of this is written for an audience. it's for me and reading all this, i remember it. I remember it all.
Friday, March 23, 2007
This is what I would have to follow on Cricinfo
Thursday, March 22, 2007
You think of everything bad. You keep your head bent over watching the lights changing over and over, never faster, never slower.
You think of everything shitty.
Fuck, you visualize someone lighting a fire under your ass.
650 cals, 40 minutes. I pushed my self and I feel great. I do feel light headed but I'm hoping that's the endorphins rather than the lack of blood to my brain.
...But You Know What, I Feel Great!!"
The two of them sat at the steps of the photo shop waiting for one of their mothers' to come out.
He took a deep breath, “I have a crush on her”
“Oh, I know”, said his best friend, grinning
He had never been nonplussed. But then again, he had never fallen for someone before.
They go back in the metro, his arm around her, chin on her head, watching his reflection in the glass as the world blurs by.
It’s a dull throb he knows will get worse. It hasn’t sunk in.
Six years is a long time
“I’m sorry but I can’t do this” echoing in his head.
I’m sorry, I love you and I want to be with you!
How can I ever trust you again?! You broke my heart! And I loved you!
Please forgive me, I made a mistake, tears streaming down her cheeks, voice trembling
‘I’m sorry’ she said. Once, twice…
The third time around, he didn’t come back.
--To the ugly--
He stared down the hallway with its treated concrete bricks and the clinical lights remembering him an asylum, Jack Nicholson from One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest
They had gone for a dorm dinner. He looked around for the remaining faces and saw one black and one ‘yellow’.
But then again, he *was* brown
It didn’t hurt. But then again, he felt he hadn’t felt anything in a while. Flatline he called it.
Well, if he didn’t feel anything any more, may be this would help. Reaching over, he saw Made in Germany, written on the dull blade.
It didn’t hurt, so he did it again. And then some.
-- To the dream --
He had worked hard for this moment
It was a pleasure having you visit us in New York.
Our firm has completed a good bit of our undergraduate recruiting process and I am pleased to write you that we'd like to discuss next steps with you.
Please call me at your earliest convenience
-- To the new--
“No holding hands when we get there, not then and not now”, she said under her breath
He winced and removed his hand wondering what had changed in the few hours since they had kissed
But he forgot the next day as they watched a movie, as she slipped her arm in his and smiled
(Her): why? do relationships often bring out the worst in people?
Me: because often they overreact
you expect the person you are with to be more understanding than the average joe
so when they are not
its not only irritation and anger
but tinged with disappointment
goddamn im articulate for someone who hasn’t had coffee
Laughing, he said, “Goddamnit woman! I’m the man! I wear the pants in this…thing we have!”
(They weren’t quite sure if they could date until he moved back home.)
He heard her giggle and speak and hoped that in the moments he would be an insecure, frustrated idiot, the voice of reason would be hers
He lay in bed, hearing the traffic, the sirens, the people, water from the melting snow.
His arm stretched out to empty side of the bed, reaching for another cushion.
He could remember her giggle and her words and even though he missed her terribly, he buried his face in the pillow with a smile.
Inspired by the Wiseling! Thanks!
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
But going through one door means entering through to another. And that's when you smile and wonder if its home.
Here's to being happy. And letting go of the fear that it may disappear one day.
Washington(AP) - About one-third of the people living in the national's capital are functionally illiterate, compared with about one-fifth nationally, according to a report on the District of Columbia.
Adults are considered functionally illiterate if they have trouble doing such things as comprehending bus schedules, reading maps and filling out job applications.
The study by the State Education Agency, a quasi-governmental office created by the U.S. Department of Education to distribute federal funds for literacy services, was ordered by Mayor Anthony A. Williams in 2003 as part of his four-year, $4 million adult literacy initiative.
The growing number of Hispanic and Ethiopian immigrants who aren't proficient in English contributed to the city's high functional illiteracy level, which translated to 170,000 people, said Connie Spinner, director of the State Education Agency. The report says the district's functional illiteracy rate is 36 percent and the nation's 21 percent.
Adults age 65 and older had the lowest literacy score of any group, the report found.
The District of Columbia Chamber of Commerce, which contributed to the report, said the city lost up to $107 million in taxes annually between 2000 and 2005 because of a lack of qualified job applicants.
And the second is this:
Yes, he has his own search page. Wow
Sunday, March 18, 2007
1. I don't mind taking the subway or any other form of public transport. I am not snooty like that. I abhor bad pronunciation and am an elitist that way.
2. I have eye lashes like a fucking camels, I can't wear glasses all the way up. I also have fish lips keeping in line with animal analogies
3. If I am thinking, I hate sudden interruptions and snap at the other person. So if you see me with a frown for no reason, means I am thinking and don't interrupt this very minute please.
4. Last time I got uh, touchy feely with someone, there were 6-7 people passed out in the room. (grin) sorry!
5. I have large feet. I can also flip my tongue over 180 degrees.
6. I make bad jokes as a defense mechanism. It's easier to see someone laugh than turn down a request, especially to be let in.
7. I like M*A*S*H* so sue me.
8. I can eat anything with bananas. Pie, subzee, milkshake, fried, steamed, on wuffles, in a hat, in a boat, from here to Seuss, I like bananas.
9. Apparently one of my most redeeming qualities is that anyone can talk to me. Thanks for telling me that Bobo, nice to know and I don't have an ego big enough to say that about myself!
10. As a three year old, I stuck a fork in a power outlet, was stuck to it and then thrown across the bathroom. I guess this would explain something.
11. When I'm serious, I mean what I say and I say what I mean. I love the english language and odds are there is a good reason for how I said what I said.
12. I will pay more attention to a woman's rear end than her top. Why you would want to know this is beyond me. But still.
13. Am terrified of being burnt alive or buried alive. I'd rather it be quick and painless and am most afraid of being a vegetable unable to move but be completely aware.
14. I never ever want to be close minded or intolerant of any one elses opinions. Seems like a waste to be like that.
15. What drives me nuts in a bad way: a woman who seems like I could walk all over her. What also drives me nuts is watching a woman stretch. What can be done to me to shut the fuck up and have my jaw drop: the whole she put my finger between her lips thing. I could be hit by a brick and not notice it.
16. The one thing odds are you won't ever see me doing but I do anyway, lips the words to the intro for "Scrubs" and do a dance with it.
17. If a woman is wearing something with a low back or backless, it warrants a second look. No questions asked.
18. I was a complete geek in school. I still am a geek but hope am a bit cooler now.
19. I like cooking. I also have this sappy notion of cooking with a girl and somehow that leading to something something in the kitchen. I don't know why this is but some how cooking makes me happy and well, so does the something something. Oh screw it, I can't explain.
20. Polka dots confuse me.
21. I like dancing. I can't do it in a group any more. Give me a girl and hells, I'll be out there all night long.
22. I say 'hells yeah' and 'y'all'. Sorry.
Friday, March 16, 2007
Nope…and for all my sappy notions, hope I’m the one giving!
2. LONGEST RELATIONSHIP?
6 years on and off
3. LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED?
Eternity from cK
4. EVER DROPPED A CELL PHONE?
Would you call me a freak if I said no?
5. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT?
2 days ago
6. THING(S) YOU SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON?
Clothes and toys (like TV not GI Joe)
7. LAST FOOD YOU ATE?
An apple (don’t let fool you, it was after three pizza slices)
8. FIRST THINGS YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Smell, hands, hair, lips. Not in that orderPersonality wise, how much of a wiseass she is
9. ONE FAVORITE SONG?
One?? You give me one?! Okay, what about the genres?! I mean alternative, rock, classic rock, punk rock, old school…yeah you pick a genre, I give you one
10. WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
London, Delhi, New York,…Bombay oh who knows.
But another answer would be in my head for far too long
11. HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED:
12. CELL PHONE SERVICE PROVIDER:
Cingular (rather discombobulated by this question)
13. FAVORITE MALL STORE:
Ye gads! Malls….arghhhhhh!
14. LONGEST JOB YOU HAD:
My current job
15. DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE?
Yeah…and a pair of boxers that my friend’s mother bought me with Spike from Tom & Jerry and the words ‘Street Bully’ on them (she only saw the t-shirt and didn’t know the boxers came with it)…and a pair of trick cards and a sheesha
16. DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE?
No. They do it for me. A friend had free calling since hiss dad worked in the government. He would call two random numbers and conference them it
Aapnay phone kiya jee, aap boliye!
Arrey aap kya baat kar rahein hai?!
17. LAST WEDDING YOU ATTENDED:
in December 2005.. cousin
18. FIRST FRIEND YOU'D CALL IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY:
My best friend just to hear him squawk!
19. LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Oh dear, I don’t remember…
20. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT
21. BIGGEST LIE YOU HAVE EVER HEARD:
I just noticed that it goes from 21 to 23…Wiseling, did you delete a question?
23. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH FRIENDS?
Way too many to list, im in freaking NY!
24. CAN YOU COOK?
25. WHAT CAR DO YOU DRIVE?:
Don’t have a car here, back home, toss up between the Lancer and the Santro
26. BEST KISSER?
Well, I have a fair idea but I need to find out more so will get back on that
27. LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
None of your beeswax
28. MOST DISLIKED FOODS:
Papaya…mangoes… yeah okay, you can snap that jaw shut
29. THING YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
The fact that I think
30. THING YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
I can’t control some thoughts, they just run around my head to annoy me
32. LONGEST SHIFT YOU HAVE WORKED AT A JOB?
24 odd hours…22?
33. FAVORITE MOVIE?Yeah, no.
34. CAN YOU SING?
35. LAST CONCERT ATTENDED?
Iron Maiden for purely sentimental reasons…next one is the Killers baby!
36. LAST KISS?
January to be precise…yes you, go think about it
37. LAST MOVIE RENTED:
38. THINGS YOU NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT?
in fact, will do ne better, will even voice out how exactly I go through it (I know you don’t care)
Chaabee, sutta, cell, wallet, iPod
39. FAVORITE VACATION SPOT:
Never the same place twice
43. LAPTOP OR DESKTOP COMPUTER?
My sexy Mac NoteBook Pro 17” eat that!!
44. FAVORITE COMEDIAN?:
Am smitten by Sarah Silverman right now
45. DO YOU SMOKE?
46. SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES?
Without at times I feel like it
47. WHO SLEEPS WITH YOU EVERY NIGHT?
Right now, unfortunately no one
48. DO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK?:
I don’t know
49. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE?
a few…though none of them was my fault
50. PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST?
Wuffles. Wuffles and more wuffles
51. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE?:
Oui!! Wheeeee! Coffeee
52 HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
Every which way.
53. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY?:
Ummmmm, let me check Google pages…it says yes to a small degree but i shouldn't tell anyone that.
54. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?:
My best friend who had to call and bitch out The English team in the World Cup
55. LAST PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALL LIST?:
56. WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECEIVED?:
My best friend again on cricket
58. NUMBER OF PILLOWS?:
2 pillows, three cushions and don’t look at me like that you need to feel them to see how goooood they feeeeeel….um…hm so there!!
59. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?:
60. PICK A LYRIC, ANY LYRIC:
Salutations to the maker of my finest hour.
61. WHAT KIND OF JELLY DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PB & J?:
62. CAN YOU PLAY POOL?:
Yup. Well is another matter.
63. CAN YOU SWIM?
Like a FISH! Started at three an never stopped since
64. FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
65. DO YOU LIKE MAPS?
Su’ure….unless they have sharp edges and give me paper cuts which makes me throw them out the window and get me lost
66. TELL ME A RANDOM FACT ABOUT YOURSELF:
I have to sleep facing the inside of the bed. If I can’t see the monsters, they cant get me.
I can wiggle my ears and turn my tongue over 180 degrees
68. EVER ATTEND A THEME PARTY?:
69. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?
God I sound like a blond…fall.
70. LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING STUPID?
About an hour ago
71. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING ?
72. BEST THING ABOUT WINTER?
Sliding under the cover, preferably up to a woman’s leg
73. LAST TIME A COP GAVE YOU A TICKET?:
75. NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET?:
Chengez…yeah don’t ask
76. DO YOU THINK PIRATES ARE COOL OR OVERRATED?:
Johnny Depp. Role model. Pirate. Swashbuckler.
77. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND??
Meeting friends new dog, watching the Namesake, having dinnerr with another friend and watching cricket and a few illegal things which I wont go into
79. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE:
I dunno, whaddoyou wanna be?.
85. ARE YOU ON A LAPTOP?:
No, am on a chair.
87. ARE YOU SMILING?:
Yes well now I am!
89. DO YOU MISS SOMEONE RIGHT NOW:
90. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD YOU GO?
92. ARE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL?:
93. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?:
Don’t think I get crushes any more...
94. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NAME?
95. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR SWIMMING SUIT?
96. DOES YOUR SCHOOL START IN AUGUST?:
97. DID YOU GO ON VACATION LAST MONTH?:
Hah! Vacation? Pour moi?!
98. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A CRUISE?:
99. DO YOU HAVE A SISTER?
You mean that Spawn of Stan 6 years my junior..yeah sure, its shorter than “you spawn of satan”
100. ARE YOU UPSTAIRS?:On the 26th floor
101. ARE YOU IN LOVE?:
“What is love? Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me…no more!”
I’m sure some shrink out there would love to make me his case study
102. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL?
103. DO YOU WISH YOU COULD SEE ANYONE PARTICULAR RIGHT NOW?
104. WHO IS IT?
105. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO AFTER THIS?
Go home, faff around, head out to a friends place…or perhaps boom and cook…we’ll see
So was speaking with The Short One (notice how I said talking with instead of me talking you listening…I listen!!!!)
So yeah okay fine for a minute got lost because I had an overwhelming rememberance of
I heard cars on the street, water from potholes going splish-splash and I remembered the house I lived in when I was twelve or thirteen. I remember the room so clearly, the bed which had a thin mattress and wooden planks, a throw-away from my dad’s ancestral home. I remember the rough feel of the bed side table made using scrap wood by carpenters who had finished work on my parents bedroom, painted a white by me under the watchful eye of my grandfather. I remember the ‘stick’em stones’ which had just come out, blurry colors seen through ‘weak’ eyes, trying to sleep.
I’m thirteen and I hear cars splashing through the water in October in
I hear the rather loud air conditioned in my parents room from when I was much younger and used to sleep in their room since we had a small house, the pug coming nonchalantly, heaving up on his back pawn to turn the vents down and plonking himself next to me, his wheezing. I heard my dad scrabbling for the stick, reaching out to turn the vents back up.
I go farther back. I’m in Jaipur, in cream colored shorts, waiting inside the gate at my grandparents home where I lived for two years, I hear the auto that used to take me to school, kids piled in the drivers voice bellowing ‘bhaiiya!’.
I hear the songs I heard when I was madly in love, when I was heartbroken and when I grit my teeth deciding that enough is enough. I hear songs that I listen to on rainy days, Miles Davis, Nerina Pallot, BJ Thomas, Bob Seger.
Live, A3, Fall Out Boy, Nickleback screaming in my ears and the only other sound I can hear in me catching my breath at the gym
I listen to the children in the playground later in the evening than warrants them being out there, smiling and remembering
I hear the TV in my room, some random person, another random opinion which dissolves into nothingness and silence as I fall back into my own head.
I turn out the lights and hear myself breathing, sometimes louder than it should be.
I hear the phone rind and an involuntary smile at the slightly grumpy, just-woken-up voice at the other end:
And I forgot all the other sounds in my memory and slip into something else altogether, something new and something yet unheard and unremembered.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
We all try in our own small ways to feel better, to take control and hope that things aren't spinning out of control. The more conscious we are of how much *really* is out of our control, the more scared we become. Of course, the only solutions is either to remove all muckiness and go for the safe route.
Yes Mom, find me a girl
Fuck that. The other option, in my opinions, and feel free to give me Option C, is acceptance of that fact and knowing you can deal with whatever shit comes your way.
There are two points to this. One is that with the Ex, I tried so hard to to get everything else in order, my job, career etc that I forgot about the 'us'.
The second, that is consequent to the first, is while I thought things were more in control than ever before, the unexpected happened. This led to a spiral that led me to question everything and wonder how much I could 'make it happen'.
Zilch, zippo, nothing.
Of course, instead of acceptance came hesitation and self doubt which led me to all these well, not insecurities but second guessings and being scared of my shadow.
With time has come acceptance (Master of Yoda-speak I am...and a geek on re-reading that). But of course, that doesn't mean I sit back on the couch, pull up a bag of Lays (I hated that name) and see what comes my away apart from the national US epidemic (yes, obesity...what kind of place has obesity as an epi-fucking-demic??)
My point is, it's taken time and I think today, more than ever I have accepted that while I can change a few things, a lot will just happen.
For better or for worse, they will. Bobo, ya hear?!
So...time to busy myself in everything I can control and deal with shit like its a sparring partner, i.e. duck and weave and when its the right time, BLAMO! POW! ZONK! (Holy Saying Actions Batman!)
So...with this, am off to Lala Land where I hope I don't dream of giant bats and my mum falling off the fire escape.
Oh yeah, two nights ago, nightmare...involved a ginormous bat that I found (think three feet) hanging upside down on the towel rack inside my bathroom next to my purple towel, black waxy eyelids covering what could only be red eyes.
And the only other part is watching my mum walk down the grill steps leading from the balcony to the terrace, just her legs in her salwar kameeze, the steps giving way and her plunging.
The only interpretation that makes sense is that I am meant to be Batman. Hence the lingo, practice you see.
Monday, March 12, 2007
So, had a heart to heart with the folks this past weekend. Some shit went down but basically, I see them making the same mistake with my sister as they did with me.
Growing up, it went like this:
Mum: So Z, who are you dating now?
Dad: No no, nonono, he shouldn’t date anyone right now, this is no time to get serious about anyone
Me: (thinking oh dear, so I can’t tell them about Ex…crap…
…I do want to tell them because I really don’t think theirs is anything wrong with it and I do like her and it would be nice if I could get her over and everything be hunky dory.
Anyway, no use harping on that, point is my sister has been dating this guy for a year now and the moment she found out my parents knew, she called up (1am, my time, Wednesday night, perfect) saying mum & dad would kill her.
So the deal is, I always held it against them that they were too quick to label something as bad. Now, it …I knew they were wrong. It was one of those moments that make you grow up – realizing your folks are wrong and while they may have the best interests out for you, there are some things you just have to do.
My mother did surprise me, “Well, see Z, if I had told you then that I knew you and Ex wouldn’t work out”
Me: “I know mum, and if you had said that then, I wouldn’t have believed you. But it was something I had to go through. You can try and hope I won’t get hurt and make mistakes, but without them, I wouldn’t be me. So yeah, it had to happen”
Anyway, in the past few months I have made a conscious effort to open up to them.
My Dad lived in a joint family, went to Scindia School and has an old school approach to life, right and wrong, values and the rest of the gambit. Of course, there seem to be a lot more grey areas than what he let on when I was growing up. Another thing was that I left home at 17 so all that growing up between now and than was done away form them. Which is why it’s hard to go to them for a talk. But my sister is at home and I hope it doesn’t end up the case that she grown up and my parents have no idea of who she really is (okay fine, they are parents, they will always know who she is but still, I mean the capacity for them to have an easy and open dialogue”
Of course, my father made me feel old:
“You see, your sister and you are different. You matured early, perhaps too early. I knew you wouldn’t make big mistakes and that’s why I ignored the smaller ones…like the times I found those cigarettes in your bag in um, when was it, class VIII or IX”
“No Dad, it was 2nd year college”
But that wasn’t the point…it’s nice my parents felt I was mature enough to deal with crap but some of the stuff, I don’t think I was ready.
In any case, they asked me in all seriousness if they wanted me to look for a girl…I’m like, what, for? I mean, look for a girl for me to do what?
Get married of course.
Meh?? Meeeee? But I’m still only 17….oh wait.
Crap, when the hell did I grow up?
And looking around, I suddenly see spurts of growed-up-ness in all my friends. Ash who is meeting guys through her mum, courier service. SB who for the first time of ever knowing her, said she was confused and needed to focus on her personal life and said she had tears in her eyes…Jeezuz H. Christ, what’s going on….
I need to go to the gym.
(see! As soon as I said gym, the Homer Simpsons clip came into my head:
Homer: Guy’m? What’s a guy’m?
(he looks over and sees people working out)
Homer: Oh!! A guy’m!!
Come on, really? Aren’t I too much of a delinquent moron to ever get married?
(Fuck! I say things like oh fudge, grown ups don’t do that!)
And you know what, talk to me a while from now, odds are, i would have reconciled my immature tendencies with being grown up and will go dancing to domesticity. Go figure
But still, I feel badly for the poor girl I convince I am mature enough to get hitched too…coz a part of me will always be a bit nuts
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Scene: I come back from work (London), go straight to my room coz I’ve had a hard day’s work. I look at these two inflated, oval shaped bags, each a loose handful. I give a tentative squeeze.
I see the light
Me: Bobo!! Why are your fake boobs on my pillow!
Bobo: Because, I don’t need them and they came with my new bra.
Scene: Me and Bobo on couch
I hear an expulsion of the flatulent kind
I turn my head and Bobo has a beatific smile while staring at the TV
Scene: Me talking all fuzzy to the Short One
ShortOne: Okay, I need to take a shit now
Me: (double take at her French)
Talking on Skype to a friend: Dude, my vulva hurts
(Me: blink blink)
Yeah, I just had a Brazilian wax
(Me: still quiet, imagining someone approaching the General with hot, molten wax, ready to grab the curlies and yank them off)
And it ..
(me: having zoned out with the mental image of jumping off the table, grabbing a towel and barely covering myself running to find my happy place while Bertha, the large Scandinavian is chasing after me with a bowl of hot, not-the-fun-kind wax)
And now Bobo sends me this
Brazilian Waxing - Click here for another funny movie.
Now before any Feminazis throw their hands up in the air, you have no right to because
1. you use more lotions and potions than a guy can imagine and I can’t believe that often, my recommended daily intake of fruits and vegetables may be squished into a tube and then used by you as a super exfoliarizing face packing mud bath product thing
2. Don’t come and tell me it’s all for men. Please. Women look at women more critically than guys do and listen, you got a cute butt wiggle, a guy’s head will turn. You decide to use a peach extract body lotion instead of cocoa butter (I have a lot of women friends, cut me some slack), then it won’t make a difference to me (but just don’t use Cool Waters please…I’m sick of it!)
3. I don’t burp, fart or rearrange the General in your presence. If I am commando, I make sure you don’t see the good (unless you want to in which case just ask!) but I do open doors for you, buy you flowers and will tell you you look good when you do. So please, don’t do certain things in front of me and don’t educate me either!
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
I don’t know how you quite do it but you made me feel better. I can run around like a headless chicken and go through the equivalent of mental flagellations I can pretend to be all growed up and try and figure things out. But it takes a couple of lines from you and well, I realize that maybe it is okay for me to tell you when I feel like crap and perhaps listen to you to find some help.
So I guess I just wanted to thank you
I do hope you come visit. I want to sit in the Oval in the summer on the bench, watch the grey haired guys play chess on the chess top tables, watch people laze around and read a book.
I want to take you to Magnolia Bakery with the best cupcakes (and I don’t like cupcakes)
Or perhaps to Pianos, one of the last speakeasies in the city, dressed up
Come walk through the Met with me or go to Mo Pitkins House of Satisfaction or the Backfence and throw peanuts on the ground.
No, this isn’t written in a sappy vein. It’s just nice to want to share your world with someone, and I think everyone has their own take on this planet, on the City and I’d like to share it with you
Monday, March 05, 2007
|What Your Soul Really Looks Like|
You are quite expressive and thoughtful. You see the world in a way that others are blind to.
You are a very grounded, responsible, and realistic person. People may not want to hear the truth from you, but they're going to get it.
You see yourself with pretty objective eyes. How you view yourself is almost exactly how other people view you.
Your near future is still unknown, and a little scary. You'll get through wild times - and you'll textually enjoy it.
For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.
Guppy calls and by this time I am already gone, oblivious. It's been a long week and I didn't mind staying home, getting a little boomed.
Her on and off guy, SS is in town and while I was supposed to go hang out her place
Gup: (having broken up three weeks ago) so come over tonight
Me: Is SS staying with you?
Me: In that case, no.
I decided not to.
She calls at 12:30am. I'm drifting slowly, sinking into the bed feeling the sides rise up as walls.
She doesn't sound too happy. She asks me to come over and get some maal. I talk to SS and and I feel as though part of him wants me to not come but he can't quite admit it to himself (in hindsight, this will perhaps be a no-duh! but I am still quite spaced out). But I talk to her again and does seem to want me there. Honestly, I get this feeling that doesn't accrete until later, something I can feel at the back of my neck but can't quite articulate, it's there but not quite.
I go over and Gup and I boom but I can see SS isn't too happy. Don't get me wrong, SS and I were friends way before he and Gups happened but there was a bit of friction since at times he felt she was closer to me and came to me when she was upset with him.
I guess I don't blame him and that's the reason why we still are so close, SS and I.
She and I boom. But I can feel the barbs between them already.
SS: I need some trace
Gup: I don't know if I have any (getting up to check which is a big deal considering it is her and she is possessive about her music taste)
Gup: (puts one a fairly decent trance track if you are into it)
SS: Yeah, of the three she has
Gup: Actually, it's Madonna
SS: Ah yes, of course
Gup (to me): SS once said I remind him of Madonna, she's a bit bitchy just like me.
(I can hear in her voice why she wants me there but I can't quite articulate it but I feel bad for her because I guess I see her trying in ways that he seems to smash out of the park)
Snippets like this help me articulate it, two people who want to be with each other, hating the fact they hurt but unable to hate the other person who they feel is responsible, two people who just won't seem to work but still love each other, perhaps me being around stopping them from getting angry and yelling at each other, me being the only thing keeping the barbs, barbs instead of an all out hurt fest.
Even tho I am quite gone at this point, they still seem to follow, to the bar, outside for a smoke.
Gups dad's company came out with this CD with the best old hindi songs (not the weepy kind I wouldn't hex on someones funeral) and she got me a copy.
Me: Oh damn, I forgot the CD at your place again
Gup: Will remember tomorrow...(to SS) did I get you the CD?
\Me: (still spaced and mumbling) ....'twas good music, must send...a copy to dad
SS: Oh so forgetting me now (with a smile)
Ugh, I feel like a kid in a bad precustody hearing night dinner
I take a cab and think about something Fish commented on...that that is what Kundera may have meant in Unbearable Lightness of Being...perhaps in the end, it really doesn't matter...our choices don't and the importance we give each one is foolish. But the way I see it, our choices are the ones that shape us and give us some (illusiory perhaps?) degree of control.
But now you can see the reason behind the name of the blog -- Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera, Book of Luaghter & Forgetting in irony that this seems to be a city where everything moves to look over the grey shades and slide the pain and bitterness down with the old underground veins (the original levels still exist, the current level of the Subway has been built over the old ones...no use spending time redoing the old ones, as the City grows taller, just build over it...won't they give way at some point though? We will see)
And as for Forgetting, I don't think any other city has afforded me so much time in this little space I seem to occupy behind my eyes.
I go into Grey's Papaya. The 40's African American guy really is African American, a neatly trimmed moustache and his baseball cap facing the right way. Even though it is 3:30am, he takes it seriously, wonder what his story is, working the late night shift Saturday night when everyone my age would be out getting drunk or what ever their drug of choice may be. Does he have a family. His accent belies his recently shifted roots.
The younger black guy, the one with a chipped tooth and a gold chain can't even seem to comprehend the difference in their lives:
Him: That will be $4.19
Me: (give him the money) I have 4cents as well (I hate pennies and have way too many, besides, nickels I can use for laundry)
Him: (unable to figure out the change)
Wasn't it a function of circumstance that they are different? But then doesn't that once again indicate that perhaps we attach too much weight to our choices?
Somehow I can't quite reconcile that and make the argument that some where along there were choices to be made and well, who made the right or the wrong ones is to be seen.
I walk back to my place, a bit unsteady. I look down to see the outlines of the concrete slabs paving the sidewalk and I wonder, how come there aren't straight lines to follow in life, one's that seem to lead home?
Zaphod feels special:
Gup: so I told my mum you crashed girls night out
Me: oh hm well (thinking: I didn’t mean to…just wanted to be around friends)
Gup: She said that not many guys can do that
3am, Sunday morning
How much of the grey grit do you want to see? How many times do you want drunken fingers stumbling across the keyboard, wondering what, like an ouija board, they spurt out?
How many homeless do you want tugging at the $200 coat before you wonder how much everything matters
You see the rich-20something-blackberry
Shorty, do miss you..... It's, amongst other things, finding someone who understands the why behind the eyes
Its this tongue, thickened by alcohol, confusion and then some...wondering where this confusion came from, finding happiness, that which matters most, alcohols burning the insides…