Sunday, March 25, 2007

The Reason For The (Now Thankfully Dying) Need To 'Fit In'

Remembering the racist hell hole i paid $35k to attend...more the feeling
(its odd. most memories i remember like pictures with the feelings coming second. This is one of the few things i remember where the memories come back more than the images. But then again, on the outside, the pictures were nothing out of the ordinary, just another elite university on the Eastern Coast)

I remember becoming disjointed from a part of me. Visualize a split. I would wake up, go to class, the library and back to bed. I could go three days without saying a word.
And it's not like I didn't try. I am sociable (last night was a good example where i went out with 9 people, sat with the four i didn't know and had a blast)). But the novelty (of being brown around white flesh (ironic how that word comes effortlessly, reducing people to nothingness)) wore off and I saw the dirtier side of things.

It's. odd. It's being. Unfeeling. Neither up nor down, neither bad nor good, days of functioning if you will. Feeling nothing. Its self awareness knocking around in an empty head, rattling away looking for something, any sign of feeling. It's going through the motions. Black and white, soundless.
And at first you wonder why and try and understand and feel something. But when you do figure out its nothing that can be changed, you accept it. But it has its impact nonetheless.
So you do bizarre things. And then in an attempt to feel anything, even pain, you end up hurting yourself. And even then, its a dull thudding, instead of feeling pain at hurting yourself, again, nothing.

So it becomes a vicious cycle and a release of emotion. Good thing I forced myself to go to a shrink. Else would have taken the other road that involved dependence on other people for any kind of affection, no matter how self-destructive it may be.

I guess my ability to fit in is over-senstized and more fluid thanks to that. So when someone says it's easy to talk to me, well, I'm glad it turned out like that. But wish I had had an easier time becoming that person.

It's odd but my references to the many 'me's' started there. In an effort to rationalize, I did split. Now there's lots of little me's running around inside my head. But some how they all get along.

Bah, all this seems so over the top and dramaticized but then again, none of this is written for an audience. it's for me and reading all this, i remember it. I remember it all.


Vi said...

Memories can haunt. Will it really matter if you let them flow away?

Anonymous said...

sorry, the world is so callous a place.
i am an aspiring student at the elitist eastern univ. and was wondering if i won't be better off here, at home. after all, learning lies in the hands of the learner or is there something to be had that is worth the pain?

Zaphod said...

@vi: its one thing to accept and move on and let it heal, it's another to forget what shaped you into the person you are.
A friend once said forgive and forget. Haven't really been able to get a grasp on the latter.

@anon: I wouldn't change a thing. It made me grow up really fast at 17, made me appreciate 'home' more and the people who drift into my life and for the few who stay there.