Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Go Get

Golden Skans by the Klaxons

How to Save a Life by The Fray

Same Jeans by The View

Fall to Pieces (I think) by RazorLight

Take A Chance by Bob Seger

Stinging Sitars by Anjali Bhatia

Ruby by the Kaiser Chiefs

Saturday, January 27, 2007

It Seems Easier To Say Fuck This Shit...But...

"She has too many hang ups. So not only do you have to deal with your insecurities but you have to deal with:
1. Her mental bar is an ex of 5 years and a best friend who has loved her for 6
2. You are here, she is there
3. You don't speak the same emotional language (?)
4. She may just be too inflexible for you
5. She doesn't trust you

You have your own:
1. Her mental bar is an ex of 5 years and a best friend who has loved her for 6
2. You are here, she is there.
3. She may just be too inflexible for you and you will get affected that she is a lot more tolerant of M (best friend)
4. You definitely have trust issues.

So then why the fuck don't you just leave? Or just go have a fling. At least that way you can have something to do on the weekends.
Course I could do that, but do I want to do that? Not really, not any more.

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands in the air and saying fuck this, why the hell do I have deal with someone elses drama? Or fuck this, if she wants a wrecking ball in her hand then so be it. Let her swing, god knows you have done it before. And you know will scram before the ball hits. Besides, she only wants someone like her ex/best friend and you want someone who is willing to see you for you. So then leave! You sit there typing all this, having the mental image of yourself in this rant and yet you just fucking sit there!

Why don't you just go ahead and say fuck this, and just move along. It's not that hard. You aren't dating. There are others, you know that. Why pick on someone who has their own deep issues?
There's but one reason you are still around.

Yes (rather shamefaced, is it possible to be the guilty kid and scolding elder in the same body?)
And if it not for that one reason, you (my head) would be in complete control. But see, there have been so few who are mucked up enough to understand you, that you perhaps don't want to leave. True that.

But honestly, all I want to tell her is girl, you have too many hangups. You seem intent on beating me off and driving me away. If that's what you want, then just tell me to leave. Don't string me along. That's happened to me too much.
Little girl, why don't you just take a chance. You know that no matter who you end up with, it will always need you to take a chance in the beginning. I can't show you I am worth it. I think I am. :o)
But see, you certainly seemed worth opening up to.
Hang up your issues and just let me take care of things. Let me in your world won't you. I'm at the door, you seem to be the one who won't open up. And yeah, I will sit on the steps and wait. But eventually you get tired and feel stupid waiting out there (albeit after a fair amount of time) and you wonder if that door will ever open.
Give in to me. I know I'm so many different things. I've been the grown up who has taken care of a million things for other people, the 16 year old idiot who makes obscene jokes, the thinker who gets lost in his head, the emotional sap who feels bad when you do, the sociable flirty guy and the lost one in a crowd of friends.
But to see all that, you have got to want to. And sometimes you seem as though you don't want to. You seem to hold your relationship with M so high above everything else that even the potential seems to lose meaning. Come back down to the place where you tripped over me. You were reading a book. And I am real. And while I may not be the one who is supposed to get up with you, I just could be but you have to keep your nose out of that book long enough to get to know me. Have a seat, leave your issues out my door and come in. Instead of comparing everything inside to what you already know, see things with a new light, let them be what they are for themselves, not in relation to M/N

Yeah, I have my bad side. But I think I may just along with you really well. I may push you out the door or I may make a permanent place for you. But most of that depends on you.

I'm in your life for a reason. It's up to you what that reason is.

Goodnight little girl. I hope you wake up a little more open to something new and a little less forgetful of the known.

Zaphod admits he is too lazy and has no time to cook which is why he is engaging Kanta Bhen (Bain to be Gujju) to cook him good Gujju veggie meals for the week which works out to about $60 a meal which is good. He also admits that he is loathe to fold laundry and has outsourced that job to an Indian family.

Anyway, my point is, and I just want to say that...for just a little while, leave your hang ups and get to know me before you start thinking so furiously and setting those cogs spinning. You seem to be asking questions that are asked after months of knowing and getting comfortable with someone. You seem to make this so much heavier than it is, I'm not asking you to stop thinking. I'm just asking you to take a deep breath, and just be.
You have so much going on in your head with M and with your friends and you are furiously thinking and its natural that that mental frame of thinking so much carries over. But you can't over think this one. You ask how I can be so easy with it. I'm not. I over think it too. But I also realize that while I can think it over and over, I can't force it from your end or mine. This shouldn't be a herculean effort with anyone. Just...sit back, talk, and be in your head while talking to me, not in the back where you are asking such huge questions, questions that you may just be asking too soon.
Come and sit with me little girl and let me hold your hand and let me just talk and listen to you. It's not that hard. Really.
And honestly, for all you know I may be the guy who smoothens out the furrows on your brow, who drives with you all night long talking about people and life, and despite his corny jokes makes you laugh (at him)
Or I could be a great guy who just doesn't fit well with you
But at least take the time to find out.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Beginning of a long post...

It's been quite the week...existentially, ecumenically, gramatically.
Putting in 80 odd hours makes you a but nutsy no?

But as always, will go backward since the new incidents are fresher and less taxing on my already tired head.

I spoke...had a heated discussion all of two minutes with the Ex. And here's why:
S: he isnt cute
im wondering if i should be honest
Z: what, neither am ?
S: at the risk of you getting unnecessarily worked up
Z: neither am i?
may as well
hurry, got meeting anytime now
S: no..he's fun..and i may have a teeny tiny crush on him


S: look, i wish you could ask (S's ex) about the number of times i've had meaningless crushes that i never did anything about
but i figured it was better to be honest
I AM i'm the anti (Ex)..really

I blame the Ex for trust issues. With the Ex and M, she told me he liked her. And i rubbed it off because i trusted her completely. Of course, i did sit up when she told me that after knowing her three months, he said she was the kind of girl he wanted to marry. Um, hello?
She told me about New Boy liking her...and I was so very hesitant. It had taken many many months and repeated times her telling me she wanted to be with me for me to trust her. But the thing with me is if I love someone, I guess I just trust easier than what's good for me. So I went back to her. Of course, today, I asked her why, apart from breaking my heart, lied to me.
She said, and this was her defense (hah!) , that it was her way of convincing herself nothing would happen and that she was scared something would and to make her feel otherwise, she said (to me) nothing would happen.
Right, girl, if something has to happen and does, then why the fuck are you stringing me along. Your telling me nothing will happen means nothing will happen. That's all there is to it.

But see, the problem is...to be continued. I've had 24 hours sleep in this week and I'm dying. Besides, I need to think and um, brace myself for the inevitable.


It's Called Bracing Yourself

Why are you allowing yourself to be open in the moment you are talking to her? What are you thinking? Do you think this can actually pan out? Fine, you met someone who felt so much in common with and wanted top open up to but does that mean it will work? What are you basing this on? You think that because you feel this way, so must the other person? Or what is it with you? How on earth do you allow yourself to be that on the phone talking? What are you doing allowing yourself top open up to this? Why can't you be selectively attached in conversations or in moments you know it will be reciprocated? What do you lift the lid off and let this person in? Don't you remember the last time? Don't you remember a few months ago how you felt? Then why set yourself up for disappointment? You seem to unlearn everything you did. Why something as improbable as this? Why not just take person to person and just move? Why this fixation or this ...fine, it feels nice talking and being open enough to talk about everything but come on! Really?

That takes about 3 seconds of thought.

"I really don't know if this will work...and I'm not saying no, but just I really don't know."
"I know but like i said time and again, there's only so much you can when it comes to another person. You can be honest and open and be you."
"Yes, but I really don't know"

And then my head kicks in as a defense mechanism. It's called bracing yourself for what you need to believe the inevitable. And of course, killing the h(a)opeless romantic.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Why "Why?", A Less Interesting Movie, Sitting Alone

So while I have been working out (450 calories in 30 minutes baby! Not to mention decent dinner, and no, I don't mean pizza) I have been watching the Matrix Trilogy.
Now yes Kurosawa made brilliant movies as did Woody Allen but this movie has its finer points. I guess I appreciated how philosophical themes are when one of my final philosophy papers was on the Analogy of the Cave and the Matrix.
Point being, in the second one Neo ( yes yes girlies, have your tiny orgasms over him but there's no denying he is capable of only two emotions: being pissed off and confused) is talking to a Counsel member who takes him into the bowels of Zion. He shows him a machine that recycles the water. He says that he doesn't know *how* it does what it does but its essential it do it correctly. But he wants to; there is so much to know, so many 'why's'. And I'm thinking that sometimes it isn't enough to know that it does work, but how it works and why it works the way it is meant to. If you don't, then how do you know its broken?
Which why I figure I think so much. Not that that gets me any closer to knowing why, but now I know why I want to know

Neo meets the Merovingian who points out this blonde eating dessert. I love the analogy that is causes her pleasure because fact of the matter is sweets to release endorphins and make us feel good. But that's another thread. In the movie, it's to an extreme. The Merovingian says she wants to initially know what's causing it but soon the why or what doesn't matter, the is does.

A human says he wants to know why, a machine or pure logic says that that doesn't matter.

I try and and be logical and say I don't ask why. But who am I kidding, I will ask why until the day I die. But I don't think I have the answer as to why asking why makes us human. Does it? Anyway, moving on.

Rita Hayworth
once complained "Men go to bed with Gilda, but they wake up with me."
Sometimes I get that feeling. I have been sitting on the fence about a few things. One was pointing out certain things knowing they are read. And like I said before with the Heisenberg, if you observe something, you change it and I don't want to. But initially this blog was to help me get these thoughts out of my head and keep them and revisit them when I wanted to.
Anyway, I think my biggest...worry(?) is that I was a character out of a book and then I came along in person and became a movie. And movies are never as good as the book. Movies fill in all the blanks that you had in your head.
It'll be a pity if the biographer was less interesting than the subject.
The logic kicks in and says what is to be will be and what will, will. When it comes to other people, you can't change them and you can't change yourself for them if you think you are fine the way you are.
Sure, will work out and will be open and honest, but beyond that, don't think I can create anything out of thing air.
Yeah, I do like her, but I do get scared of knowing I like someone and putting some small part of 'it' on the line. I'm scared I won't be sure of anyone to trust them to come close enough to hurt me and know they won't. I guess you never know, you just hope.
And I am also trying to find out the why of my feelings right now. Perhaps when I trust some more, will write them and make them real.
Perhaps the book will always be more interesting than reality.
C'est la vie, n'est pas?

So, I was reading this book which is very self-helpsy and it suggested sitting alone in a room for 10 minutes. No, no music, no TV else it becomes music-time or TV-time. And I mean nothing. I wonder if I can do it. It will be interesting as an experiment and I am curious to see where my mind wanders. I think it has too much direction. Will try it when I am less exhausted.

Zaphod At It Again, This Time With Both Minds

So anyway, I know all I have been doing is chewing the fat (and hells bells, I have a monkey on my back to make sure I do that) but point is, I went out Saturday night, as always at midnight.
So Ash is there with her ex who I believe Bobo wrote about but pint is, they broke up because he is Muslim and he felt things wouldn’t go anywhere. But at the end of the night, the two were touchy feely and I feel bad for Ash because it can’t have a happy ending. Besides, the inequality that always exists, gives her the short end of the stick. But anyway, so I get there and am being sociable as always catching up. I go to the bar and it takes forever to get a drink and when I get back, Ash, (hmm, what do I call him, Bawa was it Bobo?) Bawa and Bawa’s BFF as she put it are in separate corners.
Now BBFF is a very nice girl and is a lesbian. Turns out she confesses to him that she has a crush on his ex. He being the PMS SOB, sulks and is really mad at the two.
Am I the only one who finds this funny as hell?

Of course, that was the funny bit, what I saw made me sad. Ash has always projected her self to be this really confident, independent, feminist. And I’ve knows it’s a cover for very long now. 2nd year she would party a lot… and it was good. 3rd year she dates GujjuBoy who doesn’t drink, smoke or party. Literally, we didn’t see her. (Of course the fact that GujjuBoy told her not to talk to me because he felt she and I had more in common and I have a tendency to leverage that not intentionally but because I find so few people with the same eclectic taste for things in life) Anyway, so she stopped partying. Along comes Bawa and he likes to party and drink and smoke up. She starts doing all that. So despite her ranting ad nauseum about being her own person, she really isn’t. I feel bad that someone who projects them selves so much well, its just a cover. Its sad I feel she is defined by the guy she is with. What on earth happened to being your own person?! Do relationships have to dissolve from a ‘you and me’ to an us.
For instance, Bouncy’s (ex or not?) boingfriend visited London and was over for a bit. “we don’t drink as much as we used to” or “we don’t smoke…” motherfucker, she does what she has to and you do what you have to…where’ s the we?!
Yeah, I love being with someone who has the same tastes as I do and I think they are important and even though it seems superficial talking movies and music and books, it reflects a lot about the person (and the Ex and I were different in so many ways)
But still, while it’s the similarities that get you talking, it’s the differences you appreciate … or so I think, what the fuck do I know, I’m a 24 year old shmuck.

So coming back to the point, another thing I noticed was Ash’s age old tendency to use other guys blatantly to make the object of her current desire jealous. So, she starts dancing next to me while I’m at the bar, Bawa on the other side.
Ash: “(Zaphod)!!! Dance with meeee!”
Me: “Hahahah, I’m not buzzed yet woman” (trying not to tell her the truth)
Ash: (wide eyes as if to say what the hell?! Dance I said!)…blah blah blah…
Me: “Oh come on Ash, stop trying to use me to make him jealous”
She didn’t hear me

Bit later
Ash: “(Zaphod) that guy is so cute, go introduce me”
Me: (stuck because Bawa is a friend and albeit not close, it’s not fair play for me to interfere)
Ash: “Oh come on, I’ll help you meet women!”
(have a 3 hour conversation in my head that lasts about 2 seconds because I have had it so many times about not wanting to be in a sex only relationship because I hate waking up next to a person I don’t really care about and want her to leave because she IS in my space and my space is mine and I let only a few people I really like into it but whatever no use telling her that)
Me: “You know you are only trying to make him jealous” (while she raises her eyebrows at this guy and mouths “Hi!”)
Ash: “Yeah, I know”
When do people stop playing games…I’m not saying end the chase, just the pretense
Ash: (sigh), “where’s BBFF, at least I can flirt with her”
Me: (mentally slapping my forehead not believing she is for real), “Ash, that will just make things worse”

Why do people indulge in relationships that are self-destructive? Yes fine whatever, I know I did it too but I had my reasons. But this is the second time in a week I have seen it.

Take the Squirt and M. Now Squirty, I know I’ve said I don’t mention it because honestly, it isn’t my place. But it’s an unhealthy relationship for him in any case…okay let me reword that, the current recurrent situation is unhealthy in the sense its emotionally taxing for him in any case but you as well and it may prevent you from being just friends ever. He loves you yes? You love him as your best friend (and yes, I know you think no one will ever know you as well as he knows you but are you the kind who can let anyone get you know as much as he knows you…is some part of you scared that someone may just do that?) Anyway, point is, if it is warped, then to me it seems as though if he can’t have a strong emotional bond i.e. love with you, then he wants some strong bond anyway, albeit something that is black and self-destructive i.e. being miserable so you are kinder and nicer and more patient and spend time with him talking over emotions. Honestly, here’s why people, I think indulge in extreme emotions. The emotion isn’t as important as the addiction to intensity.
Some people go crazy in love and go crazy over love because they love the strong feelings. Some people can’t let go even though their better half is abusive because of the addiction to a strong connection to another person. Some people would rather be miserable and connected to one person than give in to the possibility that there may be someone who can fall in love with them.
Sometimes, you get so comfortable with a person that you feel that no one can be that close and the reason is if you are open to that possibility, then you may let someone get that close to you as well and you are worried that it will take away from the specialness of the first relationship. Perhaps im full of bull shit

But my point is:
1. People always get addicted and strong emotions are no different. Love, loathing, misery, doesn’t matter, all are intense. All aren’t healthy.
2. If a relationship is special, nothing can ever replace or overshadow it. I would imagine there is place enough in a person for lots of special relationships, all unique. Every person is their own person and never a replacement. Just make sure you are open to other people, what they bring to you and be tolerant of differences
3. Some people let themselves be defined by their better half. That’s sad because you lost yourself in past relationships and you are just looking for validation of existence.

Right, (look around) great, I’m still here, I’ve still not reached status of Messiah or the Exalted One…fuck, and to think, I almost reached Nirvana before I turned 24. Hmm, must be something else I’m missing…but you do know, one day when you see a post where the words trail off and it ends with a (poof), I have discovered the secret to life, the universe and everything (and no, its not 42 you wiseguys), it’s just that that will be fading into nothingness…which sounds so appealing

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Zaphod Wants To Unpack His Bags Please

I spoke with AB for three hours and three minutes. She is somonee I respect and think I get along with her really well because while she is extremly instinctual, and Im logical to a fault, but she makes sense. And I respect that immensely given the flotsam and jetsom that drift by.

It's the first time I have articulate the why's of what I am about to say.

Preface. She works with a consulting firm and reaching her two year mark, needs to decide if she wants them to pay for her MBA and then commit to an additional two years or if she wants to go back to India. To complicate matters, hew five month boyfriend is here and is not Indian. She calls me up and we haven't, at the end of three hours caught up at al.

Now, more about me, fuck you, my space, all me, all the time. There's the address bar, feel free to drift away.

This isn't home. I have lived out of a mental suitcase for 6 years. I have not gone to Ikea to buy a rug or a book rack because I'm thinking, when I leave for India, will be more stuff to get rid of. I was thinking this this morning. And this isn't 'here' specific. I have had everything I need in two suitcases for six years. And I have not let myself call this home.

Home is where I have a great house, family, a kid whose name I know and the Faceless One. I don't want a house in this country nor do I want to raise a kid here. Subconsciously, this has kept me from dating anyone here and always kept me attached to home.

It has kept me from digging my heels in at work because that's a relationship that isn't going anywhere.

I need people around. I have that at home. I know its through rose colored glasses when for those two weeks friends meet up. But even after a long day's work, I can still drop in. That culture never exists here. My uncle left for the US in his 20's (he is in his early 40's now) and said exactly the same thing. I like having people over and often.

I can't invest in any personal relationship here because ... I don't want to be in something that has an expiration date.

I miss home. Leaving it never gets easier. Ever.

Yes, I love my museums and artsy stuff but you know what, me being happy matters more. And there is no one here who shared that with me.

I want to wake up at home, every day. I want family close. My only frame of reference has been Americans but this IS home for them. Take the Girls. All of them I know are in the nesting stage and will want to go home.

All I have here is work. Where's life? In India, you work hard, but life doesn't pass you by. Here, I feel as though it does. Everything has an expiration date.

I want to be home. I have been so scared to say this out aloud but you know what, it's true. And I have been living for the future, I know I always wanted to go back but what if its now.

Yes, work wont be the same. Perhaps 70% close. Fine, but its the personal stuff up here that matters.

And yes, perhaps I go back and realize I have made a huge mistake. But you know what, I'm 24. I have scraped the pieces off the ground before and I will do it again. I jump off the cliff to see if I can fly and you know what, maybe I just can.

No, this isn't to do with one person. This has been niggling and snowballing for several months now. Fuck, it's been there as the unknnowable itch. But honestly, this is something that has been in my mind for so long.

I know there are things I hate about home. But it makes me happy. I'm fine with it. I live here being detached from home. It's now to the point my mum tells me in a hurt voice that I am so detached in india. i want to tell her that it's the only way I know how to cope with leaving home again. but I don't want to anymore.

Enough man, I came here, I did well and I saw it. But it's not for me. So now what?

I want to go home.

Yeah, I am giving up money. But I don't want to sacrifice any happiness for that. If I can do it here, by hells bells, I will do it in India.
Fine, work wont be cutting edge but right now, I'm still wet behind the ears. I can work up to it.

I want to go home. And I say this so often because I love saying it now and while it scares me, I feel a lightness I have not known in so very long.

Yes to the naysayers, mebbe I am mad. But I'd rather make this mistake than grow up to be a crystallized 28 year old who doesn't think he can move back to India because he is now used to being away.

I miss home and I don't see why I'm here in a job that after years, won't translate to something back home and I am tired of being away from home.

Chew the fat with me. I am want to talk about this and make sure I am thinking.

That is all. Thank you.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Learn To Fly Or Never Leave The Ground?

I think the Ex did mess me up. I want to trust but there are moments when I pull back recoil, moments where I go, what the hell am I doing?
I remember, the weekend after she left, I was in the plane to London and decided to retire from the world for a while and let my life me uncomplicated and leave emotions behind. And I decided to take myself out of the world just for a bit to find the level, the point between being completely hurt to delirious.
In any event, with the Squirt, most of the time, I can show my vulnerable side. But there are random moments walking down the slush covered street, so many faces milling about that I want to fall into anonymity again.
And I’m torn sometimes between being open and vulnerable to throwing my hands and feeling fatalistic about the whole thing. I will wake up in the middle of the night with the question, what the hell am doing, why opening up to something like this again, all the insecurities. Either that or allow my fatalistic side to run nuts and image the Dear John letter or conversation, something I went through often enough with the Ex...often enough to leave me jaded. Besides, I'd be an ass to imagine that Bombay doesn't have a few loons like me tucked away. Oh well... this is where I shrug and sit on the fence...and once again, accept that there's nothing I can do beyond being myself.

So, either I retire again and not take a chance any more or I go with something that I like. Do I play it safe or put it on the line…again and hope I learn to fly before I hit the ground?

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Hang On! You Got Something To Say!

Right, so I seem to have forgotten my own advice. But then again, I’ve said it once and I will say it again, that’s the hardest to take.

Now here’s the thing, if I were writing this as a public, un-anonymous blog, it would have been edited. But I want(ed) to remain hidden because well, some of the things I say are embarrassing and very self help. I will now proceed to elucidate

Last night I hit the brakes and stopped myself from doing several things I shouldn’t/haven’t/couldn’t/musn’t do. Trying to hard. I tend to be myopic. I always have been neveryoumind that I really am. But if something has hurt, I have belabored over it. Same way, if I do like something, I try and jump into it and muck about in it but in doing so, perhaps I am trying too hard. Now, if something bothers me for instance, the Ex, then I remember evening out my thoughts and reaching flatline. I focused on something else. It was easy to know why I was doing that – to not think about the pain. Now, if something good comes along, I have a bad habit of wanting it irrationally. Now now, I’m not taking away from anything or anyone nor am I forcing un-feelings. But I will need to be a little bit more sensible about this.

I was thinking in the elevator up from a ciggie break and well, what has to happen will happen. That doesn’t mean you sit with your thumb up your ass. You do things now and then to get you there. But that’s work and everything else in life. If its to do with some specific person, or the Faceless One as I call her, the trying part, it kills it and leaves a bitter after taste. So, I know I don’t make sense best b’loved but I do to me. In a weird kind of way, I am nodding to myself. Which is fine. So the deal is, I need to remind myself what has to happen will happen and I can’t cajole anyone, least of all myself into anything. No matter what I do. So then why do it. Besides, I know have my own stock of lines and I can be charming, highbow, the goofball, the fun-guy, whatever if I wanted just one thing. But heck, I want to be me and be fine with that. Because eventually, I can’t be anyone but me. So I may as well find someone who wants to know that me.

Yes well Zaphod, you have impeccable logic
Why thank you Sir.
No, thank you
You’re too kind
(big grin)

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

"Silence Is Golden But I Think It's Gonna Kill Me Now"

That feeling is back. It's this angst, gritty, gnawing feeling that hits you suddenly out of no where, this desire to run until your heart gives way making you feel oh so much better.
And I physically react to it, my brow knits over, I walk so much faster, a step slower than a run, feeling my hands and face go numb in the wind until I can barely hold my cigarette. My steps quicken and its that god awful feeling of a movie with the camera in place of my head, going through the motions, my own head millions of miles in itself, seeing my hands, fumble for the keys, putting them in the lock, looking over my shoulder to see if someone needs to be let in, but more so to see if I outran myself, my thoughts catching up with me in this sudden whooshing that leaves me reeling. I see myself pacing in the narrow elevator, a step here, another one back to where I was.
I can feel the grimace on my face and I want to run back to my room, change and lie in the safety of my own bed, like I did when I was a kid.
Something is bothering me (you think, genius?)
One question pops up and I tell myself there is no answer but will come with time. I force my thoughts, something I am so now good at. Another pops up in a few days to join the clamor of the other one. It builds until there are all these questions, indiscernible, perhaps because they all speak together, perhaps because I want them like that.
There are so many questions and so few answers, so many many things out of my hands that I feel like I am falling, trying to take this ball of rubberbands and squeeze it, bits and pieces coming undone.
It makes me want to throw my head back and scream. And I know there are no answers to these questions. And I know one easy, sure shot path to silence them, to make them redundant and make them go away. But all that will be left is, devoid of feeling, numb from the cold blowing right through me. It would be so easy to leave. But I don't want to.
Its sometimes this god awful feeling of claustrophobia inside your own head. And I've seen the bottom of several bottles, the ends of oh so many substances to try and drown them out, questions that change yes, but never in their intensity or persistence. And each time, they are the ones that that never have answers except with time. So most of the time, I accept that and ignore them but once in a while the door slams open and I feel like being drowned in them, washing up inside my head, keeping me from breathing evenly.

What are you doing? Why are you setting your self up for this again? Did you not see what happened less than a year ago? Don't you remember the dull thudding that never went away, the one that forced you to do something every single minute awake? Have you forgotten? Why are you doing this again? Do you think it is so worth it? Why can't you just let go and be? Why must you set your self up for this again? Why on earth do you think the pain is worth this right now? You do know you are trading in happiness this moment for pain you so well know? Can't you just flatline?

But I DON'T WANT TO. I DON'T WANT TO. I LIKE IT. who knows, it may be different, it doesn't have to lead to ...

I can't even lie back and close my eyes. I'm a little scared of what's behind them.

After a shower...oh well, once again, you accept certain questions just don't have answers...and you fall back into it.
To the girl with the lop sided smile, angsty enough?

Anyway, stupid video, irrelevant, the song isn't and I couldn't find a decent sounding version

Silence is golden
But I think it's gonna kill me now
Everything I've seen
Never seems to fill me now
No one told me that the world could fall through, yeahd

In between this
Am I gonna find a way
To defeat this
Living inside yesterday
I'm alive
I think it's time to live like I am
Am I ever gonna find it
Am I ever gonna find it
Am I ever gonna find out

Patience can wait for now
I think I've waited for too long
You always gave a choice
And the right to be wrong
All my life has been slipping through your hands, yeah

In between this
Am I gonna find a way
To defeat this
Living inside yesterday
I'm alive
I think it's time to live like I am
Am I ever gonna find it
Am I ever gonna find it
Am I ever gonna find out

Monday, January 15, 2007

Red Hot Chilli Peppers...And A Post As Inscrutable As Their Lyrics

I'm tired...but happy. After a long long time, I felt great after pushing myself at the gym (500 cals in 30 minutes non-stop...placemark here to remind myself to better that).
Anyway, for once, I wasn't in a hurry to walk home. And it was nice. I strolled back. Its cold in this City. And the streets are fresh from the rain. Cars driving past make that pleasurable noise, the tiny whooshing of the water displaced, hitting the tarmac. I walk past the neighborhood park and its twilight. I can't see past the bushes into the inky darkness but it's there.
I see the jogger, headphones jacked in, perhaps thinking about the week past, his family, or perhaps just running to run far.
I see the blonde on the phone, outside perhaps her building smoking, curls not quite hanging but not disappearing....fly away on my zephyr...

I put my drink down to change the song and see a dog at the end of a leash stretching toward me.
I want to go back to my place, not get there in a hurry...just walk back, smoke a cigarette, not worry about tomorrow. ...in this perfect weather, we'll find this place together

I miss her and want to talk to her. I want to tell her all this but it isn't a conversation you can faithfully relay. It's something best saved for me now, in my warm bed with cold air curling in through the window, hidden in a pile of cushions, feeling tired, but happy.
I miss her face, and the way it looks as I talk, small changes here as a relevant though occurs to her put she puts her tongue in check, patiently waiting for me to finish.

...these smiling eyes are just a mirror for...
I stand under the shower, feeling the hot water spatter against my back, remembering the rain outside, reaching down to turn the water cold. I hear the music in my head, mixed with the sound of puddles under rubber, ...now let us drink the stars...
I can feel it wash over me, and I can feel myself dissolve.

I'm happy. I miss her. I miss her and I am happy knowing feelings are still alive. I remove myself from the absence tinged day, just knowing that in feeling sad, they are there, for better or for worse, that doesn't matter this moment. They just are and you know what, that's just fine.

It feels good, to just be. For better or for worse, it is. And that's just fine right now

If You Knew...

...exactly what you could do to make your self just a bit happier, what would stop you?
And if you knew there was only so much you could do beyond which it wasn't in your hands, would you cross your arms, and fall backwards into the Unknown

I've tried looking for answers. Sometimes, you reach a dark alley way and it seems the right path. But there's nothing more you can do than take a step forward and leave the rest.
I guess this applies to do with everything related to other people. There's only so much you can do to make yourself happy.

This seems disjointed and swirling and unclear in my head. I need to think

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Blogging About You - Running Along The Edge Of A Coin - In Command & Out Of Control - Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle..in other words, just the usual

This is…interesting. Can I blog about people and incidents in an unbiased way knowing they read it? I really don’t think so. Apart from the fact that it may not be entirely prudent, I’m too polite.
Aw hells no, I think this is one space where I don’t have to be now do i? I do apologize for brushing people the wrong way if I do, it isn’t a deliberate intent but I would like to be selfish in my own space.

I haven’t been in (something) where I came after a long relationship previously (awkward sentence I know, deal with it). So it is interesting to see how at times I feel like empathizing but at the same time am the protagonist (one of two I hope! I don’t do solo performances).
For instance, with the Ex, there were certain terms of affection I had and I wouldn’t like it if her new squeeze uses them. While I am not a part of her life any more…I am pretty sure I left a mark on her which well, is mine. So I wouldn’t want that to be encroached on.
On the other hand, as the protagonist, I kind of feel well, that there are certain things I would like to do or say in my own right. Of course, then Girl pointed out that doing certain things would well instantly, by association bring to mind her ex.
In other words, I have redacted the title of a previous post. I was a bit belligerent at being told not to say certain things (one of those mushy things you say in the privacy of conversations, things you perhaps wouldn’t say when out with the guys) for a few reasons which were not quite clear at the time. I guess one was being told not to do certain things which well, never sits with me. Another was the feeling of being a bit threatened I guess by the past/present amorphous relationship (whomever’s it may be!) (seems like a good place to invent a new tense – the past/modified present continuous) but that lasted all of 30 seconds.

So you see, it was interesting to see my own reaction (even thought it was 7 in the AM and I was late for work) between the feeling of saying what I wanted and not reminding her of the mark left previously.
But I must confess, it is weird knowing who reads this blog and try and uh, tactfully blog about it myself…see, another debate between being frank (Okay, you be Frank and I’ll be me…Surely you’re joking! I never joke and don’t call me Shirley) and not as much walking on glass as well, I guess, in a way empathizing.
And no, I don’t mean in the least to sound condescending or come across as someone who goes, oh I can completely relate. But given parallels, it is easy to some small degree to put myself in …(what word can I use that wouldn’t be construed as offensive?)…the other persons shoes.

There is another relationship of her’s that has been more talked about and is I guess more jagged (?). So her best friend has been in love with her for 6 odd years.. Now in the past, I did have a big thing(?) (what is wrong with me today, words fail me! They never fail me!) for my best friend. And her telling me that of everyone she knew, I knew her best and she was the closest to me, that didn’t help. And when she had a brief three-month thing, I didn’t feel the other guy was good enough and he wouldn’t know her ever as well as I did and wouldn’t be able to make her as happy as I could.
Now given the present tense (wow, talk about running all over time in this post!), on one hand, when she is upset over something he said, I can relate to his point of view but on the other hand am familiar with the converse. So again, torn between empathizing while being the driver.

Bloody hell. I conceded a long time ago that things were grey and not black and white but everything seems a lot fuzzier now and I can seem to comfortably think both sides.


Kevin Kelly said: stay in command and out of control.

I don’t usually go looking for quotes, smattering them over cocktails but this had an interesting preface in “Blink”, a book I have been meaning to read. Apparently, the sentiment is that accept the fact that you don’t have too much control but you are in the drivers seat, sentiments rather at odds with each other.

But I guess we are primed to believe that if we are in the drivers seat, we have control. Hm, then again, it is life!

I remember talking to the Short one and mentioned that I used to be the kind of guy who planned every step along the way to get somewhere and that it was rather frustrating and exhausting. Thinking of every single eventuality and preparing for it (which of course is impossible). But then how do you plan for something that continually changes? Can you?! In any case, if everything is fluid, which it is, how do you try and see where its going? Argghhhh, trying furiously to itch the brain. Anyway, point is, can I possibly prepare for something constantly changing? If the (obvious) answer is no, then what on earth am I fighting the deluge for? Is it easier to well, ugh, terrible pun, go with the flow?

Well, have decided. Will flow with it but not without a life raft and a sturdy paddle, if I can’t control it, the least I can do is try my damned best to avoid the rocks.


“The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle arises because, experimentally, it has not been possible to determine the position and momentum of a subatomic particle exactly. Heisenberg originally explained that the light used to observe subatomic particles affects those particles. The light, or the media used for the measurement, interacts with the measured particle, affecting its momentum and position. This phenomenon has been observed over and over in nature, so it is assumed to be a natural law.”

Natural law? Well, I was reading about this the other day and it finds, what seems to me at any rate, an uncanny parallel. For instance, if I am thinking about something in my head and blogging, in observing it, aren’t I affecting it too? If something is bothering me and dutifully pull the strand out and lay it on the page, something happens. I don’t quite know what but I start chewing on it en route and messing with it and touching it and shaping it.

And I think meditation would be an interesting experiment. I want to see if I can observe thoughts without affecting them, delving into them, thinking or masticating, just watching them amble (okay fine, given my head, fly) past. For instance, in London, it was kind of neat to actually step off the sidewalk, get on the main street and watch people walk past. So similarly, is it possible to step off my own sidewalk and watch them? Neither good nor bad, happy or sad, just watch?

Another interesting experiment, well two are as follows: getting in to shape because I want to see how I can shape my body which is fascinating. No, I am not being narcissistic, just trying to see how you can allow it to be plastic and mold it.

Another thing is resume with the guitar. It was fascinating that with repetition I got better. Natural precept I know but there are certain songs that well… muscle memory! Some of the faster bits just well, somehow after a point seem right. Hmmm, let’s see where this goes.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Oye! Zaphod Nu Chay!

I'm watching the Jeremy Piven show Discovery did on Bombay. Piven is Ari from Entourage and its rather incongruent with the program.
But 15 minutes into the program and I miss the city. I think I took to it like a fish to water.
I love the chawls interspersed with Victorian buildings, the faux Greek architecture of the Asiatic society, the old buildings that were once beautiful and still are, the long stretches of Victorian buildings, orange and streaked brown on Kalbadevi Road. I love the fact that you can take a turn and up on Dalal street, the BSE building with the NYesque ticker and huge TV.
Then there's Marine Drive with which I am so familiar, the on-ramp from the hotel that took me where I had to go.
It's a city that you accept, one that you don't try and change.
I love the fact that I can get lost in the market barely lamenting the Pink shirt I wear now imbuing the City.

Besides, I had the best guide to the city

Yes, I think I like the city...perhaps it will become the new City and a place I could probably call home?

Ae kya re? Bhai bhai.. huh?
tu bhai hai to hum bhi behin hai. samjha?
Abhi dhande ka time hai... mere ko jaane ka.
aata kya?.... kahandala.
nahi to jake thanda la . Ja.

Get Shorty

Come here you little nit...let me show you my City, my confusing, melancholic, aged City that makes you feel old and alive, happy and lonesome, loved and bruised.

Let me take you away to the last speakeasy and get lost in martinis and black, slinky dressed

Let me show you the rooftop which shows you the Center of the World, let me show you the tiny bakery I love, the coffee shop I want to think in, the pretty young things with cliched Louis Vuitton bags, the weary faces of the old, the same brisk pace that ties everyone and defines the City. Walk with me in the tall buildings of Midtown, the holes in the wall Downtown, the shabby chic of MeatPacking

Come away with me and let me show you me. Let me strip away the layers and see you, shed away the baggage, hang up the fears and trust me...let me take you away

Come wake up in my City now, trust me to make you smile with my own stupidity, allow me to rest my head and tell you what scares me.

Bury yourself in my bed and let me wake you. Come to the Angelika with me, the MoMA, the Park, the long, quiet walk with the world passing us by.

No, I don't want to be a tragicomic hero, just a guy who loves running his fingers in yours...

Meh, just missing you, that's all, didn't mean to be corny.
Sleep well kiddo. And stay tuned. Somehow writing here lets me shed my defenses, my humor and settle in my own vulnerability.

I must confess, it is odd, not making an effort to open up but this blog lets me be me and in someways, I like the fact that you visit these pages, and behind all the bullshit, see me in a simpler light, unencumbered by my own awkwardness

"And Then You Came Along..."


(fold arms and look around wondering where to begin)

Suppose no use dilly-dallying now and may as well jump into it. Hard part is, first steps. And what’s worse, I am torn between the desire to be open here in this space of mine and talk about whatever I want but the need to filter out given certain people mentioned do read this blog. Also, right now the need to spill is greater than the need to delve so consider this just a flavor of everything that has happened.

Now the thing with memory is that everything recent tends to come to the foreground naturally but happier things must be mentioned first.

FF0. So yes, I met her. And I hung out with her. And I like her. This is the part that had I been a 17 year old girl, would have gone red in the face and all shy. Instead, I am part amused, part confused and rather taken by surprise albeit in a nice way.

Bombay was new to be and well, I met her in a garden overlooking the ocean and Hajji Ali. I will confess, I was a bit tongue tied, despite her claims she looks better in pictures, FF0, you are adorable in person. And it was that pleasant first date feeling without the awkward pauses, I knew what I wanted to talk to her about though we did somehow talk about men and their weewee’s as you put it and the innate desire in a man to show off his weewee…that was your argument for the innumerable guys taking a piss on the shoreline (my question was what happens if you pee with the wind blowing against you).

Anyway, I must confess, am a bit taken in with FF0.

Yes, well, ahem, moving along then yes?


Aw hells kiddo, I know you want to read more about you but at the same time I wouldn’t know where to begin. I was/have been trying to articulate the reasons to like you or anyone i have in the past and it has always been a few events here and there where the reasons are sublime and somehow condensing them takes away.
For instance, New Years, she was out of it. Part the reason to party and part because she was drinking my drinks. Given im rather uh, large and have the capacity of a tanker does not bode well for someone who was giggling on her bathroom floor after half a bottle of wine (it took three and a half for me to get drunk, bottles, not halves). But she wouldn't let me help which while annoying made me see someone who wanted to be their own person, a far cry from clinginess I have seen in past relationship(s).
Post complete inebriatedness (is that a word?) she walked past briskly in her own callipigyian way and I saw her walk out, drowning in a huge blanket to make sure her friend, Whirlwind, was comfortable in the living room. Apart from the fact she looked adorable under the huge blanket, made me feel, for the lack of a more masculine word, fuzzy.
Or a long drive back to Bombay, just talking about everything under the sun (okay, music to be faithful to the exact truth but somehow that covers the gambit).
I don't know why but I know I do. Isn't this one of this rare situations where the reasons are the reasons but there is something more. Pebbles, thanks for taking your nose out of your book and tripping over me.

The official party line is I am single. And so be it. I think we are both jaded from past relationships and more so from long-distance ones. Right now, she is sitting on the fence, and well, hope that she falls on my side of the grass. It is greener, or so I would love to believe. I am trying hard to avoid making myself out in a better light, of pointing the absence of crab grass (no jokes on the pun you pervs) but I am the harmless sort. And I do...its like the song, take a chance on the *boy* who will let you. Anyway, be it not my place to paint a picture for anyone or convince them of something that may or may not make them happy. I am happy now, yes, I could be happier but time will tell. In the mean time dear reader, hope for a less angsty ending...or beginning. But then I have decided not to go ahead of myself and run away with my thoughts. We have all seen how that ends for this narrator.

But I will admit, i love talking to her. Not every conversation is meaningful or deep, but still, it's...I love slipping into it.

And in any event, no matter what, thanks kiddo, I had a great time and Bombay will always be a bit special for me, from Liberty cinema or running to the other one because we were in the wrong place, Olive, Prive, The Intercontinental (did I mention you looked very nice that night?). And forgive the corny one-liners I seem to have an endless supply of.

I see the baggage, I see you trying to understand if anyone can know you like your best friend can, the implicit comparison with previous relationship(s), wondering if I will hurt you. So far I have promised not to lie and not to hurt you and even though you have not asked, I promise not to get exasperated enough to whack you (even though you cut me off and when run out of something sensible to say, start singing), but for what its worth kiddo, I like the onioness and I want to know more.

You said there were two things you liked thusfar about little old me, my unwillingness to judge right away and that I was curious. Well, I'm here, and I'm curious and if that's okay with you for the time being, lets live with that and see what happens...I don't think anyone has the answers and while it is a pithy comment, time will tell.

Hobo - send me your number, I want to call, lots to catch up on
Confessor - thanks, I had a blast in Delhi!


Now, incidentally, there is something that got me foaming at the mouth and no, it wasn't a neurotic fit though may has well have been. say there's someone i just met recently and being drunk, said stupid things that in and of themselves were out of context. now, suppose that person who has a big mouth decides to repeat what i said to someone i like and am getting to know, dont. odd's are, i have a lot of 'goss' about you and just out of politeness and basic respect, have not opened my own mouth. perhaps a year ago when i was still vindictive, i would have been liable to let some of these stories slip to you own interest. just be thankful i have decided to be grown up and not mention any of the gossip my former roommates may have let on. so, when it comes to everything else under the sun, what was and ever will be, go ahead, talk and chew the fat all you like. When it comes to me....don't. ever. do. it.
theres a simple reason why. with every single person i meet, i can be whoever i want. there is a more personal side i reveal to extremely few people. so when you do say something that may be taken out of context, it makes me sound like someone i would never want to be. if i want ass...never mind, i could have been very caustic here but i choose not to and to let it go.
i guess when i like someone, i never want them to think i want to get in their pants or have a quick lay. i think i have grown out of that. so when someone who thinks they know me, is presumptuous enough to characterize me like that, it gets me very incensed. so, word to the world, shut up, you dont know the first thing about me.
right, i think i will leave this topic because i know it gets me worked up. and honestly, this i think may be a case of the pot calling the kettle.
so, to end the matter, fuck off.