"Silence Is Golden But I Think It's Gonna Kill Me Now"

That feeling is back. It's this angst, gritty, gnawing feeling that hits you suddenly out of no where, this desire to run until your heart gives way making you feel oh so much better.
And I physically react to it, my brow knits over, I walk so much faster, a step slower than a run, feeling my hands and face go numb in the wind until I can barely hold my cigarette. My steps quicken and its that god awful feeling of a movie with the camera in place of my head, going through the motions, my own head millions of miles in itself, seeing my hands, fumble for the keys, putting them in the lock, looking over my shoulder to see if someone needs to be let in, but more so to see if I outran myself, my thoughts catching up with me in this sudden whooshing that leaves me reeling. I see myself pacing in the narrow elevator, a step here, another one back to where I was.
I can feel the grimace on my face and I want to run back to my room, change and lie in the safety of my own bed, like I did when I was a kid.
Something is bothering me (you think, genius?)
One question pops up and I tell myself there is no answer but will come with time. I force my thoughts, something I am so now good at. Another pops up in a few days to join the clamor of the other one. It builds until there are all these questions, indiscernible, perhaps because they all speak together, perhaps because I want them like that.
There are so many questions and so few answers, so many many things out of my hands that I feel like I am falling, trying to take this ball of rubberbands and squeeze it, bits and pieces coming undone.
It makes me want to throw my head back and scream. And I know there are no answers to these questions. And I know one easy, sure shot path to silence them, to make them redundant and make them go away. But all that will be left is, devoid of feeling, numb from the cold blowing right through me. It would be so easy to leave. But I don't want to.
Its sometimes this god awful feeling of claustrophobia inside your own head. And I've seen the bottom of several bottles, the ends of oh so many substances to try and drown them out, questions that change yes, but never in their intensity or persistence. And each time, they are the ones that that never have answers except with time. So most of the time, I accept that and ignore them but once in a while the door slams open and I feel like being drowned in them, washing up inside my head, keeping me from breathing evenly.


What are you doing? Why are you setting your self up for this again? Did you not see what happened less than a year ago? Don't you remember the dull thudding that never went away, the one that forced you to do something every single minute awake? Have you forgotten? Why are you doing this again? Do you think it is so worth it? Why can't you just let go and be? Why must you set your self up for this again? Why on earth do you think the pain is worth this right now? You do know you are trading in happiness this moment for pain you so well know? Can't you just flatline?

But I DON'T WANT TO. I DON'T WANT TO. I LIKE IT. who knows, it may be different, it doesn't have to lead to ...

I can't even lie back and close my eyes. I'm a little scared of what's behind them.
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After a shower...oh well, once again, you accept certain questions just don't have answers...and you fall back into it.
To the girl with the lop sided smile, angsty enough?

Anyway, stupid video, irrelevant, the song isn't and I couldn't find a decent sounding version



Silence is golden
But I think it's gonna kill me now
Everything I've seen
Never seems to fill me now
No one told me that the world could fall through, yeahd

In between this
Am I gonna find a way
To defeat this
Living inside yesterday
I'm alive
I think it's time to live like I am
Am I ever gonna find it
Am I ever gonna find it
Am I ever gonna find out

Patience can wait for now
I think I've waited for too long
You always gave a choice
And the right to be wrong
All my life has been slipping through your hands, yeah

In between this
Am I gonna find a way
To defeat this
Living inside yesterday
I'm alive
I think it's time to live like I am
Am I ever gonna find it
Am I ever gonna find it
Am I ever gonna find out