Monday, January 22, 2007

Zaphod At It Again, This Time With Both Minds

So anyway, I know all I have been doing is chewing the fat (and hells bells, I have a monkey on my back to make sure I do that) but point is, I went out Saturday night, as always at midnight.
So Ash is there with her ex who I believe Bobo wrote about but pint is, they broke up because he is Muslim and he felt things wouldn’t go anywhere. But at the end of the night, the two were touchy feely and I feel bad for Ash because it can’t have a happy ending. Besides, the inequality that always exists, gives her the short end of the stick. But anyway, so I get there and am being sociable as always catching up. I go to the bar and it takes forever to get a drink and when I get back, Ash, (hmm, what do I call him, Bawa was it Bobo?) Bawa and Bawa’s BFF as she put it are in separate corners.
Now BBFF is a very nice girl and is a lesbian. Turns out she confesses to him that she has a crush on his ex. He being the PMS SOB, sulks and is really mad at the two.
Am I the only one who finds this funny as hell?

Of course, that was the funny bit, what I saw made me sad. Ash has always projected her self to be this really confident, independent, feminist. And I’ve knows it’s a cover for very long now. 2nd year she would party a lot… and it was good. 3rd year she dates GujjuBoy who doesn’t drink, smoke or party. Literally, we didn’t see her. (Of course the fact that GujjuBoy told her not to talk to me because he felt she and I had more in common and I have a tendency to leverage that not intentionally but because I find so few people with the same eclectic taste for things in life) Anyway, so she stopped partying. Along comes Bawa and he likes to party and drink and smoke up. She starts doing all that. So despite her ranting ad nauseum about being her own person, she really isn’t. I feel bad that someone who projects them selves so much well, its just a cover. Its sad I feel she is defined by the guy she is with. What on earth happened to being your own person?! Do relationships have to dissolve from a ‘you and me’ to an us.
For instance, Bouncy’s (ex or not?) boingfriend visited London and was over for a bit. “we don’t drink as much as we used to” or “we don’t smoke…” motherfucker, she does what she has to and you do what you have to…where’ s the we?!
Yeah, I love being with someone who has the same tastes as I do and I think they are important and even though it seems superficial talking movies and music and books, it reflects a lot about the person (and the Ex and I were different in so many ways)
But still, while it’s the similarities that get you talking, it’s the differences you appreciate … or so I think, what the fuck do I know, I’m a 24 year old shmuck.

So coming back to the point, another thing I noticed was Ash’s age old tendency to use other guys blatantly to make the object of her current desire jealous. So, she starts dancing next to me while I’m at the bar, Bawa on the other side.
Ash: “(Zaphod)!!! Dance with meeee!”
Me: “Hahahah, I’m not buzzed yet woman” (trying not to tell her the truth)
Ash: (wide eyes as if to say what the hell?! Dance I said!)…blah blah blah…
Me: “Oh come on Ash, stop trying to use me to make him jealous”
She didn’t hear me

Bit later
Ash: “(Zaphod) that guy is so cute, go introduce me”
Me: (stuck because Bawa is a friend and albeit not close, it’s not fair play for me to interfere)
Ash: “Oh come on, I’ll help you meet women!”
(have a 3 hour conversation in my head that lasts about 2 seconds because I have had it so many times about not wanting to be in a sex only relationship because I hate waking up next to a person I don’t really care about and want her to leave because she IS in my space and my space is mine and I let only a few people I really like into it but whatever no use telling her that)
Me: “You know you are only trying to make him jealous” (while she raises her eyebrows at this guy and mouths “Hi!”)
Ash: “Yeah, I know”
When do people stop playing games…I’m not saying end the chase, just the pretense
Ash: (sigh), “where’s BBFF, at least I can flirt with her”
Me: (mentally slapping my forehead not believing she is for real), “Ash, that will just make things worse”

Why do people indulge in relationships that are self-destructive? Yes fine whatever, I know I did it too but I had my reasons. But this is the second time in a week I have seen it.

Take the Squirt and M. Now Squirty, I know I’ve said I don’t mention it because honestly, it isn’t my place. But it’s an unhealthy relationship for him in any case…okay let me reword that, the current recurrent situation is unhealthy in the sense its emotionally taxing for him in any case but you as well and it may prevent you from being just friends ever. He loves you yes? You love him as your best friend (and yes, I know you think no one will ever know you as well as he knows you but are you the kind who can let anyone get you know as much as he knows you…is some part of you scared that someone may just do that?) Anyway, point is, if it is warped, then to me it seems as though if he can’t have a strong emotional bond i.e. love with you, then he wants some strong bond anyway, albeit something that is black and self-destructive i.e. being miserable so you are kinder and nicer and more patient and spend time with him talking over emotions. Honestly, here’s why people, I think indulge in extreme emotions. The emotion isn’t as important as the addiction to intensity.
Some people go crazy in love and go crazy over love because they love the strong feelings. Some people can’t let go even though their better half is abusive because of the addiction to a strong connection to another person. Some people would rather be miserable and connected to one person than give in to the possibility that there may be someone who can fall in love with them.
Sometimes, you get so comfortable with a person that you feel that no one can be that close and the reason is if you are open to that possibility, then you may let someone get that close to you as well and you are worried that it will take away from the specialness of the first relationship. Perhaps im full of bull shit

But my point is:
1. People always get addicted and strong emotions are no different. Love, loathing, misery, doesn’t matter, all are intense. All aren’t healthy.
2. If a relationship is special, nothing can ever replace or overshadow it. I would imagine there is place enough in a person for lots of special relationships, all unique. Every person is their own person and never a replacement. Just make sure you are open to other people, what they bring to you and be tolerant of differences
3. Some people let themselves be defined by their better half. That’s sad because you lost yourself in past relationships and you are just looking for validation of existence.

Right, (look around) great, I’m still here, I’ve still not reached status of Messiah or the Exalted One…fuck, and to think, I almost reached Nirvana before I turned 24. Hmm, must be something else I’m missing…but you do know, one day when you see a post where the words trail off and it ends with a (poof), I have discovered the secret to life, the universe and everything (and no, its not 42 you wiseguys), it’s just that that will be fading into nothingness…which sounds so appealing

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