Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Blogging About You - Running Along The Edge Of A Coin - In Command & Out Of Control - Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle..in other words, just the usual

This is…interesting. Can I blog about people and incidents in an unbiased way knowing they read it? I really don’t think so. Apart from the fact that it may not be entirely prudent, I’m too polite.
Aw hells no, I think this is one space where I don’t have to be now do i? I do apologize for brushing people the wrong way if I do, it isn’t a deliberate intent but I would like to be selfish in my own space.

I haven’t been in (something) where I came after a long relationship previously (awkward sentence I know, deal with it). So it is interesting to see how at times I feel like empathizing but at the same time am the protagonist (one of two I hope! I don’t do solo performances).
For instance, with the Ex, there were certain terms of affection I had and I wouldn’t like it if her new squeeze uses them. While I am not a part of her life any more…I am pretty sure I left a mark on her which well, is mine. So I wouldn’t want that to be encroached on.
On the other hand, as the protagonist, I kind of feel well, that there are certain things I would like to do or say in my own right. Of course, then Girl pointed out that doing certain things would well instantly, by association bring to mind her ex.
In other words, I have redacted the title of a previous post. I was a bit belligerent at being told not to say certain things (one of those mushy things you say in the privacy of conversations, things you perhaps wouldn’t say when out with the guys) for a few reasons which were not quite clear at the time. I guess one was being told not to do certain things which well, never sits with me. Another was the feeling of being a bit threatened I guess by the past/present amorphous relationship (whomever’s it may be!) (seems like a good place to invent a new tense – the past/modified present continuous) but that lasted all of 30 seconds.

So you see, it was interesting to see my own reaction (even thought it was 7 in the AM and I was late for work) between the feeling of saying what I wanted and not reminding her of the mark left previously.
But I must confess, it is weird knowing who reads this blog and try and uh, tactfully blog about it myself…see, another debate between being frank (Okay, you be Frank and I’ll be me…Surely you’re joking! I never joke and don’t call me Shirley) and not as much walking on glass as well, I guess, in a way empathizing.
And no, I don’t mean in the least to sound condescending or come across as someone who goes, oh I can completely relate. But given parallels, it is easy to some small degree to put myself in …(what word can I use that wouldn’t be construed as offensive?)…the other persons shoes.

There is another relationship of her’s that has been more talked about and is I guess more jagged (?). So her best friend has been in love with her for 6 odd years.. Now in the past, I did have a big thing(?) (what is wrong with me today, words fail me! They never fail me!) for my best friend. And her telling me that of everyone she knew, I knew her best and she was the closest to me, that didn’t help. And when she had a brief three-month thing, I didn’t feel the other guy was good enough and he wouldn’t know her ever as well as I did and wouldn’t be able to make her as happy as I could.
Now given the present tense (wow, talk about running all over time in this post!), on one hand, when she is upset over something he said, I can relate to his point of view but on the other hand am familiar with the converse. So again, torn between empathizing while being the driver.

Bloody hell. I conceded a long time ago that things were grey and not black and white but everything seems a lot fuzzier now and I can seem to comfortably think both sides.


Kevin Kelly said: stay in command and out of control.

I don’t usually go looking for quotes, smattering them over cocktails but this had an interesting preface in “Blink”, a book I have been meaning to read. Apparently, the sentiment is that accept the fact that you don’t have too much control but you are in the drivers seat, sentiments rather at odds with each other.

But I guess we are primed to believe that if we are in the drivers seat, we have control. Hm, then again, it is life!

I remember talking to the Short one and mentioned that I used to be the kind of guy who planned every step along the way to get somewhere and that it was rather frustrating and exhausting. Thinking of every single eventuality and preparing for it (which of course is impossible). But then how do you plan for something that continually changes? Can you?! In any case, if everything is fluid, which it is, how do you try and see where its going? Argghhhh, trying furiously to itch the brain. Anyway, point is, can I possibly prepare for something constantly changing? If the (obvious) answer is no, then what on earth am I fighting the deluge for? Is it easier to well, ugh, terrible pun, go with the flow?

Well, have decided. Will flow with it but not without a life raft and a sturdy paddle, if I can’t control it, the least I can do is try my damned best to avoid the rocks.


“The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle arises because, experimentally, it has not been possible to determine the position and momentum of a subatomic particle exactly. Heisenberg originally explained that the light used to observe subatomic particles affects those particles. The light, or the media used for the measurement, interacts with the measured particle, affecting its momentum and position. This phenomenon has been observed over and over in nature, so it is assumed to be a natural law.”

Natural law? Well, I was reading about this the other day and it finds, what seems to me at any rate, an uncanny parallel. For instance, if I am thinking about something in my head and blogging, in observing it, aren’t I affecting it too? If something is bothering me and dutifully pull the strand out and lay it on the page, something happens. I don’t quite know what but I start chewing on it en route and messing with it and touching it and shaping it.

And I think meditation would be an interesting experiment. I want to see if I can observe thoughts without affecting them, delving into them, thinking or masticating, just watching them amble (okay fine, given my head, fly) past. For instance, in London, it was kind of neat to actually step off the sidewalk, get on the main street and watch people walk past. So similarly, is it possible to step off my own sidewalk and watch them? Neither good nor bad, happy or sad, just watch?

Another interesting experiment, well two are as follows: getting in to shape because I want to see how I can shape my body which is fascinating. No, I am not being narcissistic, just trying to see how you can allow it to be plastic and mold it.

Another thing is resume with the guitar. It was fascinating that with repetition I got better. Natural precept I know but there are certain songs that well… muscle memory! Some of the faster bits just well, somehow after a point seem right. Hmmm, let’s see where this goes.

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