Sunday, January 21, 2007

Zaphod Wants To Unpack His Bags Please

I spoke with AB for three hours and three minutes. She is somonee I respect and think I get along with her really well because while she is extremly instinctual, and Im logical to a fault, but she makes sense. And I respect that immensely given the flotsam and jetsom that drift by.

It's the first time I have articulate the why's of what I am about to say.

Preface. She works with a consulting firm and reaching her two year mark, needs to decide if she wants them to pay for her MBA and then commit to an additional two years or if she wants to go back to India. To complicate matters, hew five month boyfriend is here and is not Indian. She calls me up and we haven't, at the end of three hours caught up at al.

Now, more about me, fuck you, my space, all me, all the time. There's the address bar, feel free to drift away.

This isn't home. I have lived out of a mental suitcase for 6 years. I have not gone to Ikea to buy a rug or a book rack because I'm thinking, when I leave for India, will be more stuff to get rid of. I was thinking this this morning. And this isn't 'here' specific. I have had everything I need in two suitcases for six years. And I have not let myself call this home.

Home is where I have a great house, family, a kid whose name I know and the Faceless One. I don't want a house in this country nor do I want to raise a kid here. Subconsciously, this has kept me from dating anyone here and always kept me attached to home.

It has kept me from digging my heels in at work because that's a relationship that isn't going anywhere.

I need people around. I have that at home. I know its through rose colored glasses when for those two weeks friends meet up. But even after a long day's work, I can still drop in. That culture never exists here. My uncle left for the US in his 20's (he is in his early 40's now) and said exactly the same thing. I like having people over and often.

I can't invest in any personal relationship here because ... I don't want to be in something that has an expiration date.

I miss home. Leaving it never gets easier. Ever.

Yes, I love my museums and artsy stuff but you know what, me being happy matters more. And there is no one here who shared that with me.

I want to wake up at home, every day. I want family close. My only frame of reference has been Americans but this IS home for them. Take the Girls. All of them I know are in the nesting stage and will want to go home.

All I have here is work. Where's life? In India, you work hard, but life doesn't pass you by. Here, I feel as though it does. Everything has an expiration date.

I want to be home. I have been so scared to say this out aloud but you know what, it's true. And I have been living for the future, I know I always wanted to go back but what if its now.

Yes, work wont be the same. Perhaps 70% close. Fine, but its the personal stuff up here that matters.

And yes, perhaps I go back and realize I have made a huge mistake. But you know what, I'm 24. I have scraped the pieces off the ground before and I will do it again. I jump off the cliff to see if I can fly and you know what, maybe I just can.

No, this isn't to do with one person. This has been niggling and snowballing for several months now. Fuck, it's been there as the unknnowable itch. But honestly, this is something that has been in my mind for so long.

I know there are things I hate about home. But it makes me happy. I'm fine with it. I live here being detached from home. It's now to the point my mum tells me in a hurt voice that I am so detached in india. i want to tell her that it's the only way I know how to cope with leaving home again. but I don't want to anymore.

Enough man, I came here, I did well and I saw it. But it's not for me. So now what?

I want to go home.

Yeah, I am giving up money. But I don't want to sacrifice any happiness for that. If I can do it here, by hells bells, I will do it in India.
Fine, work wont be cutting edge but right now, I'm still wet behind the ears. I can work up to it.

I want to go home. And I say this so often because I love saying it now and while it scares me, I feel a lightness I have not known in so very long.

Yes to the naysayers, mebbe I am mad. But I'd rather make this mistake than grow up to be a crystallized 28 year old who doesn't think he can move back to India because he is now used to being away.

I miss home and I don't see why I'm here in a job that after years, won't translate to something back home and I am tired of being away from home.

Chew the fat with me. I am want to talk about this and make sure I am thinking.

That is all. Thank you.


J. Alfred Prufrock said...

Been there. Done that, too.

Except that I was 10 years older than you are now and I took just 2 months to decide I wanted out. I was told that it's easier to "adjust" if one goes over when young - do you have an old head on young shoulders?

The US is great to visit but really sucks as a place to live in. Come back here, there's no place like home!


eM said...

well, i'll be. you meant it after all--or was it my great convincing powers that got you to this point? india is great right now, it's exciting, it's vibrant and things are changing at the speed of light. come back while you still can is my advice. :)

Zaphod said...

To Prufrock:
Finally, one of the few people who understands that.
Like I was explaining, I make lots of money here and if I move back, I will take a pay cut and will have to deal with a very hierarchical system and the work culture is different. Yes, and perhaps it always will be. I know at some point I want to deal with it but I would rather now than when I am much older. At least this way, if I make a mistake, will be easier to recover.

(this is me weary) And yeah, sometimes I do feel I have an old head, ancient heart in a young body...anyway, let's see if I have the ball to go through with this.

Zaphod said...

I think it gets harder the later in life it is. I would rather do this now while I am relatively unencumbered. Also, why is it the more choices we get the harder life becomes? Hmm, I spell a post...and ...popcorn (look around and amble off)
oh and Squirt, its baked and relatively fat free!!