I think the Ex did mess me up. I want to trust but there are moments when I pull back recoil, moments where I go, what the hell am I doing?
I remember, the weekend after she left, I was in the plane to London and decided to retire from the world for a while and let my life me uncomplicated and leave emotions behind. And I decided to take myself out of the world just for a bit to find the level, the point between being completely hurt to delirious.
In any event, with the Squirt, most of the time, I can show my vulnerable side. But there are random moments walking down the slush covered street, so many faces milling about that I want to fall into anonymity again.
And I’m torn sometimes between being open and vulnerable to throwing my hands and feeling fatalistic about the whole thing. I will wake up in the middle of the night with the question, what the hell am doing, why opening up to something like this again, all the insecurities. Either that or allow my fatalistic side to run nuts and image the Dear John letter or conversation, something I went through often enough with the Ex...often enough to leave me jaded. Besides, I'd be an ass to imagine that Bombay doesn't have a few loons like me tucked away. Oh well... this is where I shrug and sit on the fence...and once again, accept that there's nothing I can do beyond being myself.
So, either I retire again and not take a chance any more or I go with something that I like. Do I play it safe or put it on the line…again and hope I learn to fly before I hit the ground?