Thursday, March 08, 2007

I Love You, But No

Yeah so I do like women. In all shapes and sizes (no offence Kiddo!) But it’s well, to give an example:

Scene: I come back from work (London), go straight to my room coz I’ve had a hard day’s work. I look at these two inflated, oval shaped bags, each a loose handful. I give a tentative squeeze.
I see the light
Me: Bobo!! Why are your fake boobs on my pillow!
Bobo: Because, I don’t need them and they came with my new bra.

Scene: Me and Bobo on couch
I hear an expulsion of the flatulent kind
I turn my head and Bobo has a beatific smile while staring at the TV

Scene: Me talking all fuzzy to the Short One
ShortOne: Okay, I need to take a shit now
Me: (double take at her French)

Talking on Skype to a friend: Dude, my vulva hurts
(Me: blink blink)
Yeah, I just had a Brazilian wax
(Me: still quiet, imagining someone approaching the General with hot, molten wax, ready to grab the curlies and yank them off)
And it ..
(me: having zoned out with the mental image of jumping off the table, grabbing a towel and barely covering myself running to find my happy place while Bertha, the large Scandinavian is chasing after me with a bowl of hot, not-the-fun-kind wax)

And now Bobo sends me this

Brazilian Waxing - Click here for another funny movie.

Now before any Feminazis throw their hands up in the air, you have no right to because
1. you use more lotions and potions than a guy can imagine and I can’t believe that often, my recommended daily intake of fruits and vegetables may be squished into a tube and then used by you as a super exfoliarizing face packing mud bath product thing
2. Don’t come and tell me it’s all for men. Please. Women look at women more critically than guys do and listen, you got a cute butt wiggle, a guy’s head will turn. You decide to use a peach extract body lotion instead of cocoa butter (I have a lot of women friends, cut me some slack), then it won’t make a difference to me (but just don’t use Cool Waters please…I’m sick of it!)
3. I don’t burp, fart or rearrange the General in your presence. If I am commando, I make sure you don’t see the good (unless you want to in which case just ask!) but I do open doors for you, buy you flowers and will tell you you look good when you do. So please, don’t do certain things in front of me and don’t educate me either!

Thank you


jerry said...

Hahaha...great read dude. Cheers!

Zaphod said...

Thank you!

hedonistic hobo said...

biatch! sellout......words fail me.