Friday, August 25, 2006

New York New York

New York is crude and crass…but its fucking funny…courtesy:

Mother: Don't you ever do that again! [slaps child hard]
Child, calmly: Well, are you happy with yourself?
--Union Square

Dumb teen: Hey, look at this! It says "Train for jobs in biotch."

Smarter teen: Fool! That word is biotech. Why you gotta be ignorant all your life?

--1 train

Conductor: This train is very crowded. If you cannot fit, please step back and wait for the next train. If you manage to get onto this very crowded train, look at the person next to you and tell them, "Howdy!"

--Queens bound F train

Bus driver stops in the middle of the street to pick up a friend. A second, random guy hurries on the bus as well.
Bus driver, to random guy: Yo, this ain't no bus stop.
Random guy: Oh, I saw you pick him up, so...
Bus driver: Yeah, well I know him.
Random guy: Hi, I'm Dan.
--M1 bus, 110th & Madison

Bus driver: Everyone, please move to the back of the bus...Come on, people. I'm speaking English here. Move to the back of the bus so these people can get on. There's nothing wrong with the back of the bus. It's not scary. There are no monsters back there. You won't get hurt. So please move back.

--Q12 bus, Main Street, Flushing

Round ghetto girl: Skateboardin': not cool.
Skater: Childhood obesity: not cool.
--125th St station

Chick: Is that Broadway? I think it is. I can't see.
Burly guy: Yeah. Didn't you put your contacts in?
Chick: No. I haven't bought new ones yet.
Burly guy: Jesus, Jen! You'll buy boobs but you won't buy contacts?
Chick: What's more important: contacts or boobs?
--Union Square

Suit on cell: If he doesn't get me the fucking money, I'll kill that bitch!
Hobo: How about you give me some money, and I'll kill that bitch?
--St. Mark's

Tall tourist: Hey, they just said Union Square; is that our stop?
Big-Haired tourist: Our stop is 5th Street.
Conductor: The next stop will be 8th Street.
Doe-Eyed tourist: Is that our stop?
Big-Haired tourist: Our stop is 5th Street.
New Yorker #1: There isn't a stop for 5th Street.
Big-Haired tourist: Then how do we get to Central Park?
New Yorker #2: You should get off and go the other way-- 5th Avenue.
New Yorker #3, as doors open at 8th Street: But wait until Canal. Otherwise you'll have to pay the 2 bucks to get back on the train.
Big-Haired tourist wanders off the train without his tourist counterparts.
Doe-Eyed tourist, as the doors are closing: Wait. Why did he get off?
Tall tourist, to doors: Open up.
New Yorker #2, as the train pulls away: Do you have cell phones?
Tall tourist: No, ma'am.
New Yorker #4: Well, at least his hair looked good.
--Downtown R train
Overheard by: good lord, the tourists are in season

Teacher: What country do we live in?
First graders: New York!

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