Gaaahhh…it’s been one of those days you have tons of things piling up and you can only do so much about it…like to get a visa to travel, I fucked up…I have to get travel insurance which will take 5 days to come by mail…I have to get bookings done to prove that I have a place to stay and I have done that, I have so many other small things like passport pics to get done, to clean up before the ‘rents come, get their friends a hotel room….its like this tightening of your breath and well, just feel like exploding. Anyway, I did what I always do -- make a list as detailed as possible to the point I know what I have to do the minute I set foot at home.
And I feel better
Anyway, I read this post somewhere and wanted to think about it and write for the next 15-20 minutes to take a break from the numbers staring back at me from the 5 screens I have here at work.
"It's better to have lost than to never have been loved before."
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back it was meant to
Is that really true? Okay so I have had one relationship that really meant something to me. And I remember being in love. Its this heady feeling of waking up every morning and the first thought being “Damn, she loves me back”. I can’t say I have had that often But its this feeling that completely changes the day and its so, for the lack of a less pansy word, magical. It brings this instant smile to my face and I get those tiny crinkles near my eyes that so few things bring. But if it feels so good, imagine the opposite.
It is the singularly most terrifying thing I can think of – putting yourself out there and opening up your heart to the most pain it can feel in telling someone you love them. The idea of finding the words to express that feeling in words on the slim hope, hope that has no basis to exist, telling a person you love them…but being completely honest and open, not caring much about their reaction and hoping for the best? For fuck sakes, you may as well throw me out of a plane and hope that I learn to fly on the way down.
And even then, I still hope to learn to fly. I could say I want to walk this earth, knowing my way, avoiding the pitfalls but what kind of life is that? So I’ve been broken and bruised just to do it again because when you get something you have wanted for so very long, the slightest hope, the very image of that can take your breath away.
As we grow older and experience more pain, it becomes easier to hide away the feelings that bring hope. We learn to play games in relationships, cause fights just to reconcile and test the other person to see if they still love us. And how much heartbreak does it take to cause a person to give up on love? I hope I never find out.
And is it that hard to find love in several people? This is me trying in absolute vain to not put all my eggs in one basket, something I am famous for. And normally I confess, I do do it. But I don’t want to. Not with my heart, not again…and especially not with the same person twice.
I know I wont keep quiet. It may be a long time before I say anything (heck, I managed this long didn’t i?) And it will toss and turn in my head over and over again until I get like a mange ridden dog (sorry for the imagery but I haven’t seen anything nip at itself in complete frustration like that) until I say it, not worried about her reaction, just to have the weight off my shoulders.
And I know I will spend forever trying to figure out how to say it, when to say it, what to do about it. Of course, at one point I will give up and say that if it is going to happen it will be it under an open sky or in a crowded bar.
As with everything I have ever wanted, before I sleep, I drift into an uneasy sleep thinking about what it is I want. And it is so clearly there, I can taste it and see it and feel it until it almost feels real. Then I take one step only to have reality quash those lucid dreams. I can’t and wont let myself do that this time. And I wont build myself up for disappointment. Taller the thoughts, bigger the thump…but when it feels so right, how can it be wrong for the other person.
Well, we’ll see. I am in love with her and what can I say, I hope to learn to fly before I hit the ground.