Okay so I’m not as much in a bad mood as I am in a funk.
I’m doing it again. Imagining things I want and everything beyond. I always freaking do this and its just ….I should stop doing that. As much as I like to chase dreams, for some reason if it doesn’t work…it’s just…it makes me feel like this.
And I can see how it evolves – I used to think about things I wanted, then go after them and most of the time get hurt….i mean I remember the first time was in the 9th grade. And it’s moved on to the point where now I can actually think if I can get it or not and most of the time, I know I cant. But even then I go ahead with it.
This is SO …depressing. Like for instance, with SB, I knew knew it wouldn’t happen but still I said so and things got weird for a very long time after. And its not that I blame her, she didn’t say anything to lead me on but ….it just felt so good in this warped little head of mine. And I remember how crushed I was after, NS telling me in the car it didn’t look good for me and I remember that’s the moment the floor seemed to vanish and I was sucked in.
Why is it easy for people to ‘go with the flow’? Is that something everyone just says but never really does? Or is it something that I need to figure out and make things easy on myself? I mean I admit I have been in the habit of falling asleep thinking about things I want ever since I was 14…and of course, I have turned this issue over and over again in my head to the point where if I think about things in bed, its sssmaller things that I can work for and know I have a chance getting…
Sometimes I just feel like throwing my hands in the air and telling the universe at large, I give up, I surrender, ….but it still doesn’t help and there are things that I want so badly and its always step C of a process…Step A being creating the opportunity and Step B working on it…but I’m so chicken now I cant do Step B and well, I have misread so many things in life that Step A seems impossible to discern unless it falls into my lap.
And it’s the worst when other people are concerned coz you cant do anything nor work toward something.
I keep hoping as I grow older, less confused I become but certain things are ….seem impossible
“Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon”
Yeah, easy for you to say….but the end result leaves me in the same spot – crappy meal, broken heart I mend….
How do you make someone see you may be the one person they have been looking for? Is there anything you can do? What if you know it but the other person is no where close to you? Do you just give up and resign yourself to the fact that love and all that may be a factor of geography? Or do you hope the other person is a hopeless sap like you and realizes that perhaps you are right and they give you a chance? How can one person feel so right to you for so very very long? After almost….x years? Even then?
And why? I mean there must be something that attracts you tot his person that must be in another?
Goddangit…this seems to be one time that logic always always fails me and even though I KNOW nothing is possible, I still open my big fat mouth, complicate things, feel miserable and try and fix myself….
Anyone got a spare brick wall handy please??