______ Steps About Town (aka "Not A Very Well Written Post)

6th August, 2006

It’s been a great weekend.

Psi (aka NM and she asked that I call her that though it sounds odd since it’s a greek letter and a measure of pressure but what the hey, everyone gets something they want once in a while and who am I to disappoint?) anyway, psi and her ‘the guy’ came Friday.

It was nice until I tried to go clubbing and perhaps a combination of bad music, a not so fun crowd and me being tired made me do one of those – step and back and ask if its fun or if its just there…bad feeling I’m getting too old for this.

Meh, I wish I could say that I’m growing up but I think in the past one year I have done enough growing up for a while!

Anyway but Saturday had the pleasure of going …..okay trying to go to St. Pauls and getting lost in London…but it was fun…went to Trafalgar Square just to find the fucking pigeons had been run out of town…goddangit! And here I was so hoping to stomp them like they did me when I was 5. I mean what the fuck is up with these rats with wings that mobbed me when I was a kid eating popcorn. I tell you, I may have needed therapy for that. I was hoping stomping just a few of them would have been a good substitute. O dear.

Anyway, I have to say, I loved Westminster Abbey, but after a while its just so heavy. Every surface is worked on and its just annoying. Anyway, so we tried to get to St Pauls and the guy had the right idea – just follow it I mean it’s a big goddamn cathedral, how hard can it be right? Well trust my sense of direction (im glad im not a bird else I would be flying north for the winter) but we lost it. Im serious. It disappeared from the horizon. What’s up with that? We ended up on the wrong side of the Thames and at one point we just couldn’t see the bloody building.

Fine, so we stumbled on it just to find out we had 30 minutes inside before it closed. Now I have to say, I haven’t walked in to a cathedral before and it was enough to almost bring me to my knees and go hallelujah (of course I didn’t, I don’t like the feel of that word) but it was gorgeous. The guy made the astute observation that so many important people were interred that without the spectacular domes, it would be easy to forget to whom the cathedral is dedicated …

I wish I could have taken pictures, I really do. I could spend hours on my back looking up at the dome and perhaps when I go back, will do that…and visit the crypt (yay!)

But yes, going ¾ of the way up took the fuck out o f me. And London isn’t as pretty as NY or so that’s what I think anyways. It feels patch worked and well, to a neat freak like me, I miss the grids of the Apple. Meh, at least I can say I lived in London and din like it.

Psi decided we should go to Fruitstock in Regents Park and to paraphrase her, it was something like a farmers market with nice quiet music that wouldn’t be center stage. Of course it was the exact opposite and I loved it. I could hear that pulsing music a mile away and it was crazy with hundred of people and trance and me, with two bottle of wine in my backpack, yeah I was one happy camper.

But I think more than anything that made me get comfortable this weekend was, as always, I got unguarded and chatty. Heck, two and a half bottles would make anyone’s tongue experience verbal diarrhea but yeah, I actually, for the first time in way too many years spoke about AB and more than anything else, admitted how I felt.

Now im a fucking cynic who still wants to believe in fucking unicorns (like women have slumber parties in their undies and have pillow fights, that I still want to believe) but yeah, I think at the very least I got validation of it being fine, the way I feel that is. I mean I know I could never entertain these thoughts in the least when well, AB was dating my best friend and if I did, it was guilt ridden – albeit to a small degree because it was one of my closest friends but I think more so that I was betraying myself allowing me to feel in a way that I knew I could never act on. And even now, if I don’t, if I do, I don’t have to worry about it to as great a degree as before and I think that feels good.

Now me, I’d like to believe in signs more as quirks it’s the universe can throw at me rather tham something divine…and it inevitably is something quirky like me listening to a song I haven’t heard in quite a while (in this case it was Whitesnake’s Here I go Again). I heard the same song on three separate occasions in the same day….anyway, is it ironic that My Best Friends Wedding was playing this afternoon on the TV? I’d hate to be in the situation where I put off taking a chance until the very end and then make a sharp about-turn…and what can I say, I’m a stupid fuck who never learned to keep shut. And it hasn’t worked out for the best most of the time. But I do hope that that bad streak will end soon and things will see eye to eye with me and I will make piece with the universe instead of being left with that fucked-over feeling…

Oh and I got a (look, I live in the gay area and N said it made me look like a pretty boy so I might as well use the word) fabulous haircut, the first one I can actually say I really like. Its surprising how small things make a big difference to me…and in retrospect, how a big thing (like breaking up with the ex) can have smaller than expected implications

Ye gads not again! So I’m watching Grays’ Anatomy and the second I wrote that last line, the patient showed the doctor saying, it may not be something big but I wanted to show you…and he wiggles his finger and she smiles and she says sometimes small things are really really big…..

I haven’t watched the show before but I do like it….will leave with a quote from it…

“Why do we like the pain

Maybe we’re just wired that way….maybe it makes us feel real?

What’s that saying again, why am I hitting myself with a hammer?

Because it feels so good when I stop”

Fuck, I’ll quote the truth wherever I find it, from Snoopy the Dog to Sartre…tough noogies