I think this is one of those posts that will be reworked and rethought by me over the course of the next few days. You see, it's one of those times I would like to hit the freeze button, step out of the picture and think (god I've missed thinking!! Funny how long its been since the last time…wait, that's not entirely true).
The End of The Affair
So I know I go through a rebound phase at the end of a relationship. With AS, the ex, its hard to define the end however. I know my fling in February this year might just have been that. I knew the death knell came about when she first cheated on me and I knew that I wouldn't end up with her then and there. Of course, this is the first time I have to answer a question that came up several times in my head – why did I stay with her? Because I was chicken. Because even though I loved her I knew it was permanently damaged but she loved me and I didn't want to step away from that. It's not easy to let go of that. So I think it had been dying for a very long time and the fact that we weren't in the same place helped draw out the end (in hindsight, that was immature but heck, I'm not growing up that fast either).
But I also now, after reading this, realize that you can love someone without being in love. (incidentally, I just love the nuances of the English language)
To Like or Not to Like
So the question is if it started to die then, why was I attracted to SB and/or AB. I guess with SB its easy enough. She was my best frie….heck, is my best friend and she is one of two women I can spend forever and then some talking to. And I cant seem to find that missing ingredient that pushes you from thinking of a person as a friend than more.
I mean look at NS and I…. I love that girl to bits…I can tell her I miss her and flirt shamelessly but we both know that its fantastically platonic. And it is. And I love that and the idea of thinking of her more than that makes me go "ew ew ew ew ew". So the question is what makes me like a person more than just a friend. Sure, physical stuff has to do with but then again NS is gorgeous and I have said that before. So it's something else.
Now I already spend I can spend hours talking with both these girls…and I have…I mean with SB, she's the only person I have spoken to on the phone until the crack of dawn. But then I have done that with so many other people. And it's not what we talk about either; i'm not sitting here going "oooo, she's such an insightful and riveting person" .
Why do I have a bad bad feeling this is going to come down to warm-mushy-fuzzy stuff? Lemme think.
[Caveat: Why am I rethinking this? Because if I put myself through angst over someone or something that I think I believe in but in the end don't then I'm being an ass. So I want to make sure that this isn't a relationship-post-partum-of –a-loved-one-depression.
Now with the ex, I have had my fling here…and it came with the inevitable feeling which, as always, I anticipated. It's not the first time I have felt like this. I think it has come up every time I have broken up and had a fling…the morning after when I lie in bed wondering what the other person is up to, no, not the one next to me, the one I like. And then I get this revulsion that keeps me from moving, just keeping me tied down wondering why I gave in to something that means fuck-all, that I don't want to have done, that this is not what I want to feel and for a few hours or feel-good, I go through a fraction but albeit potent feelings that I cant describe. They aren't guilt of sleeping with someone I don't care about…I'm too selfish for that. It's…just a part loathing of my actions, part depression at the knowledge that I did this for an ego massage and a lot of sadness that I don't want to be where I am and not with this person either.
And its this feeling that helps me get out the rebound phase in a flash. I need the ego-pick-me-up and suffer a hang-over but that lets me in a way hit the reset button. Now with AS, I did fall a bit out of love with her. And unfortunately, when you realize that, its like the first piece of wool come loose in a sweater…one comes undone and when you see it, inevitable you pick at it until it unravels. And then where are you? In a sweater with a big hole. Just kidding.
But you get out of it and move on.
Okay so why this current resurfacing of feelings for AB? I know I liked her back in the day, same time as MT did. And I guess I told myself over and over that I shouldn't attach much importance to it since I'm just (was) a kid. And I guess I convinced myself of that and that it would pass. Now here comes the of a feeling passed and a feeling buried. I guess soon after I Met AS and started dating her. And I think the eureka (even though it should sound more like a groan than anything else) was with a really ridiculous program on TV…sad isn't it? But the main person in the show is in a relationship and has to choose between someone they used to like and the person they are currently dating. I posed the question to myself and almost puked at the answer.
Of course, I threw myself all the more into my relationship with AS to the point she asked me if I was cheating on her (again, that made me almost puke) because I wasn't really. Or was i?
It's one thing to make out with someone when in a relationship and that can be forgiven. I know, I have forgiven AS for that. But what happens when your better half feels something more than physical attractions What happens when that person fall in love with someone else. Now ever though those two may not have touched, it's the fact that there is something so deep, something that I am not willing to share that transpires between them that it seems to me is more unforgivable than something small as a kiss.
SO, coming back to my point in case…am I doing this to deflect the pain over a broken relationship or , if not, why now and why so clear? I wish I could say I was heartbroken over AS…no, don't get me wrong, I was. But that's the thing, if I can so fluidly say 'I was' instead of 'I am', you have to wonder. I didn't want to marry her. I know that and knew that then. Inevitably we would have split up and I knew this 2 years ago. So I don't think I have a broken heart. Again, so why do I feel the way I do again after I thought it was done and over with? |What can attract me to a person? Or why just one person? I don't know
Let me think.
- I know I like, no, I don't l*** AB but I do know it is possible for me to fall in like with her considering I already like her
- My relationship tho ended recently, it began to die very long ago
- I have had my fling, my pick-me-up and have been reviled as always
- Now I am trying to understand if all this is true and why after so long these feelings are back
I know that they have never dies out completely. Usually, if I like someone, I tell them, they say no, I go away from a while, come back and all is fine. It's always been like that. So why the difference here and why with her? Am I just looking for the next 'someone'. If I am then why is it her again? Can't it be anyone? True, it can and that's not a worry. Then why her?
What attracts me to her? I mean what makes me want to do stupid things, make me want to talk to her, just…do all those stupid, hopelessly romantic albeit pansy shit with her? I mean can't I substitute someone else? Wont that work. What scared me is if that's what I was doing with AS? I don't think so. I think I truly loved AS for her but …fuck
*** if in the span of the past 2 years someone told me that I could choose between AS and AB, I would have picked AB***
And that my dear fuck-up is the bottom line.
Ugh….it's a bit surreal seeing those words look back at me and wonder how long I have felt that way….shoot me shoot me now kind gun