Friday, August 18, 2006

I Lose My Temper Once or Twice a Year...

...and each time I do, I so hope no one is near me...last time wasn't pretty...not on me...

This was what I needed...a final purge of feelings for the Ex. I knew it was coming and before I moved on, I knew I needed the rip everything I felt about her to shreds. It's the only way to start taking the next step.

I remember reading this James Herriot where there was this character in his village who didn’t quite know how to ride a bike (and no, he wasn't being metaphorical). The guy would get drunk, jump on his bike, legs swinging wildly to avoid falling off. He would somehow balance on the stationary bicycle before peddling off. But he would always fall once or twice before managing to do that. On one noted incidence, the guy grabbed the cycle, looked at it in wonder and shook it by ‘the scruff’ as if to show it who was master. Of course, it didn’t make one bit of difference. But I guess it made the man feel better, demonstrating who was in charge. In a way he was…he could have learned to ride right…hmm, I think there is something there

Look, this is my way of falling off the bike, shedding a few tears

(NY seems like the perfect place for a broken heart, the city seems to mirror everything you feel on the inside, the gorgeous exterior where all the glamour is but live then for a short while and you know that its just a sheen to cover the greyer part of the city/life).

Anyway, this is me. This is me dusting off myself, knowing that I'm bleeding but looking at the bike, giving it a good shake and ordering it to behave, knowing that while I may not be directly in control (the universe is a bitch and she/he/it knows it) but maybe there are smaller things I can do.

Anyway, to know what me purging is, read on:

look, im trying here
im trying to dispel the fact that i love you so very much and i dont know how to get it out of my self...its all i have known and frankly, 2 months ago, it was all i ever wanted to know

and i miss you and i love you so accept that it will take me time and im sorry if that jars your world in ways you dont like it
and yeah okay so you got plans this weekend and i hope you have fun but you know ....fuck it man, why the hell should i tell you how i feel when you dont feel the same way about me

yeah, NM said iw as dealing well with this and i said look, i cant let myself spend pain on someone who doesnt want to me with me and doesnt love me as much as i love them
and its the same with her and (her guy)...and the only thing that keeps me going iss your beautiful face smashing my heart into oblivion

and i get pangs...i get this deep seated dull ache deep inside me that makes me curl up and want to die...i can feel my heart breaking each time i think about you, i just feel it wither and die just to allow me enought ime to piece it back together and then have it happen again

and each time i feel that way, i go fuck it, she doesnt want you and she doesnt care so why are you putting yourself through this pain over someone who doesnt want you and rejected who you were and everyhing you had to give her

so fine man, the only reason im dealing well with this is because i hate the fact that you turned down who i am...and if its true or not, doesnt matter

and i hate that other guy, i hate all of them and i know that i will never ever make peace with any of them and i hope that everything we shared disappears from my head and my memory is wiped clean

i love you babe but you broke my heart and that is everything

there are times when i all i want is for you to agree with me when i say, marry me, let me make you happy, let me make babies with you and grow old with you
but then its this jarring realiziation to myself is that you dumb fuck, you said that and she didnt want you, she was more 'compatible' with someone else, someone who wants to marry her too

then fuck all of this, i dont need this, im outta here

have a nice life aditi, know that you were the only one i ever loved

and dont bother writing back, dont explain it to me...i know what you have to say, i have read your emails until i know them word for word, an exercise in breaking apart the only heart i have, the only one i will ever have to give anyone....but while my head says its all fine, my heart is still broken and my head doesnt know why

this is one fucking time in my life i cant use my head to get out of this mire....and you sounding so happy that the reasons we beroke up made me feel pathetic that oh look, there is a valid reason she doesnt love you...imm glad you found validation in the fact that im not th eone you want to be with, good, how does it make me feel that you sound happy that we broke up

fuck you, fuck love, fuck my stupid dreams i had since i was 16 and especially fuck all the unicorns i ever chased, the ones that i believed, that love lasts for ever, that its fantastic that you can be with the first person you fell in love with, and most of all fuck me for being such a pathetic idiot for letting my heart get broken, the one thing i try and keep hidden away becaue im afraid of the very thing that you did to it....fuck me for trusting you not to break it

i love you baby but you broke my heart and there is no way in hell im letting you touch it again, you dont deserve to....its like neha asked me one day, how do you tell someone that you are the only one who can make them happy and that they should be with you forever
me:you tell them, you make the plunge without a cord and hope that they are there to catch you and dont let you splatter on the concrete...and if they do, you get up, look around and wonder why the fuck you would do something so stupid and falling in love

go away baby, i wanted to marry you, grow old with you and die with you watching over me, like the angel i believed you were and loved and cherished every moment i spent with you just to see you look around and realize that i wasnt the one...

and you know what, i LOATHE myself now more than i can ever remember because i still want to lie with you and love you, touch you, kiss you but right now, all i feel is sore because you dont want me any mroe

go find your own way....i;ll find mind and she will be everything you were and little bit more -- she will want to be mine for the rest of my life

PS: if you think this a petty email, it is but if you think im going to hide my pain from you, the person who caused it, then YOU get your head out of the least face the fact that you broke someones heart so next time you are more careful...and as for me, the lesson i learned is that love is overrated and love can die and if anything, i should be with more people...perhaps i will stumble across the one who is supposed to make me happy .... i thought it was you and i was so very terribly wrong

PPS: if you want to yell at me, dont write back. if you want to tell me you are dating bryce or some other fuck, dont write. if you have the courage (for the lack of a better word) to step up and see that you did this, then write back

and im sorry you dont have time to talk to me, next time i call will only be when you tell me to....just dont wait too loog, i have a tendency of burying away everything that hurts

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