Monday, October 09, 2006

Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you got…

So riddle me this, why do we want so many things and risk not getting them and suffering disappointment? I mean I look at my life, I make a decent amount at 23, I have a great free apartment in London, a fabulous one in New York and a floor in my folks home in Delhi, I have gorgeous friends who I love to bits, I have my health and an infinite capacity to have fun.

But I still want more. And what's worse than knowing what you want is wanting something but not knowing what

Do we ever reach a stage in life when we get the feeling that we have everything we will ever need? Or are we like sharks who die if they don't continuously move? What happens the day after we get everything we want? Is it a bad thing that I go day to day working toward getting what I want? No seriously, what if I wake up at 40 and have everything I want? Should I consider myself fortunate or unfortunate?

And then if I remove all the extraneous thing I want, is what I truly want all that hard to get? I want a job that lets me think, a woman who loves me…and that's that!

Are we defined by the things we have or by the things we want?


The Lonely Heart’s Club, Where Things Get Worse Before They Get Better…I will put that up on the coasters and on the napkins at my new club

Step right up folks, join the exclusive Lonely Hearts club! Exclusive as it may be, its still easy to join, just have the courage to step right up and admit you just broke up! Latest to join our little crew are Ash and her b…no, her EX boyfriend!

Well, now we just have one little couple left – Flimmaker friend and her beau…hope they survive, touch wood

It is a pity, out of all the guy’s she dated, he was the one I got along with the most. Fine, I admit I had a thing for her a few years back, back in 2002. And she played with me etc etc but the guy she was dating at the time, the Runt (and I call him that because while is a bit taller than I , his personality pales in comparison with a snail, hence the nick which refers to the size of who he was)…the Runt pretty much ruined a chance of being close friends (her and I that is) by telling her to not be friends with me (later, she told me he didn’t want it because he felt she would want to be with me once she came to know me…oh women date the biggest losers I come across). And then there was White boy who was smart, volunteered with the rescue group at school and had all the personality of a dead tree stump. No really, their first date, she told me, they spoke about butter. She had to struggle to think of things to say. Oy….now THAT’s a dead tree trunk.

Anyway, the last guy is a bit of a player but is a decent guy, the kind you go can go and get a beer with. Plus, I think the biggest thing he had going for him was that albeit very drunk, he asked me man to man (and I can’t believe he used that phrase), he asked if I used to have a thing for Ash. Well, when I told him that it was 4 years back, he was fine with it and if I told him, should I have one on her now (which is inconceivable) he would have been fine. So, anyway, but yeah as SB pointed out to me when she visited, Ash seemed to be more into him than he was into her…ahah! I see a pattern of inequality in affection leading down the inevitable road of splitting up…hmm, maybe there is just one underlying reason, even though people may give different reasons to break up (distance, circumstances, another person) I think its inevitable that one person loves another more, there will be some excuse however subconscious that will come up to justify breaking up.



Congratulations on your engagement, now fuck off

I am going to swear off Sex & the City. I watched one last episode which dealt with being friends with the Ex. I think it’s a no, you can’t. Consider Carrie and Big. They try it out and Carrie hears he is engaged. She flips out I just know that the Ex will be engaged within a year’s time and I can see her message on MSN Messenger, just like last time:

Her: Hey, when you have a little time free, let me know, we need to talk…

Me: Let me guess, you are dating B****?

Her: Yes

Me: Then fine, you don’t need to tell me that, you don’t owe me anything

Her: fine

And that was the last time we spoke

Except this time it will be her telling me she is engaged. I will tell her I am happy for her and wish her will. If she asks me if I mean that, obviously, I will tell her the truth, something she probably wont want to hear.

Why do I have a bad feeling this may get worse before it gets better?

And I think the hangover I feel now (no, I didn’t get drunk this weekend) is from the nagging feeling that while we broke up for what were apparently good enough reasons, they were, for her…not for me. But in the end, did I really want to marry her? I can’t get myself to say yes, I was sure. And I think the pangs I feel are for missing a significant other, not her…so if I talked my self into believing she was the one because I wanted just someone, why cant I accept that right now?


Daddy, can I get a pony?

Anyway, let me see how this weekend was…oh yeah, I was supposed to go shopping with Hook Saturday buying some nice new clothes (sue me if you think shopping is just for women, I like to shop but only if its for me. The only time I don’t mind going shopping with a girl is if she is trying on bikinis or lingerie and I can see…and you would be surprised that I do know one or two girls who don’t mind that).

Of course, as everything I look forward to, it didn’t pan out (no, seriously, does this happen to other people too? You really really look forward to something and it just doesn’t happen at all what so ever? It’s the most funk-causing this).

So, she got drunk Friday night and couldn’t make it. Considering it was grey outside, Bobo was off to her sex shop, I made a fortress of pillows and blankets on the big soft couch (just in case there are invading gremlins out there, you need a fort, always build a fort) and watched way too much of the oh so cynical show.

Hook also had a date with the guy who shall henceforth be referred to as Delhi-NY Cliché. Or the Cliché for short. He is a trader at HSBC for emerging markets. I may have mentioned him before as the guy who announced within a few minutes of talking to him how much money he makes. 30 minutes after sad attempts at trying to demonstrate he is the alpha chimp, he found out what I did and now wants 'to do drinks'...keep him away from me, I get enough of the Discovery Channel

He also believes that if you shop at designer stores, you can’t go wrong. That has got to be the biggest cliché of them all, and look, I like certain stores too but some of the best things I have picked up cost under $10. Anyway, he took her out to Nobu. (hit my head against the pillowed wall) and let me guess, the conversation is about how fabulous he is? Or how he has a home in the Hamptons equivalent of Bombay?

I don’t know, I’ve had some interesting dates from this tiny tiny shop in Soho NY called Lassi which specializes in Lassi and Indian street food to a sheesha bar and a small retro diner in the Village…Nobu…yeesh, the Nobu in New York is on the ground floor of my office. They have a torso of an obese woman which stand 9ft high…wtf?!

Also, Ash’s now Ex knows Cliché from high-school. Cliché apparently got a new Audi (or his dad did but with the Cliché, its all Daddy’s money) and while he drove around town in the car, he wouldn’t deign to step out, if he had to talk to anyone or meet someone, his hi’s and hello’s were from inside the car. See, I am going to hazard a guess that Daddy got him his job as well.

The difference between Daddy’s money and working your way up comes across very easily in everything from the way a person talks to you to how they treat others or just in how they value money. Take Guppy. I really love that girl. She’s about so high (five feet and a few) but she is larger than life. Her dad is the biggest property developer in Bangalore. She has a fabulous house and is the rich kid in town. I went during one summer vacation I believe in 2004 and stayed with her. Yeah, her family is loaded and she is working to take over from her dad.

But there’s a difference, she wants to do it on her own. We visited her dad’s new project and everyone was not exactly fawning but if you are Indian, you will know what I mean when everyone introduced her as ‘th managing directors daughter’ and I could tell she was really uncomfortable with it. She has always been the kind who wants to make it on her own. She is very insecure about how she looks and I think she is gorgeous, she never felt she did well at school, she doesn’t want to work with her dad right now, instead is working with EnY in NYC starting at the bottom of the ladder (while recently the head of EY met her dad who is developing their land in India, and there’s a picture of them looking like they are best-buds) and I remember speaking to her about it and she said she wanted to make it on her own and then take over from her dad. Muah! I love that girl

I remember having this argument with one of the guys at work who kept asking what my dad in India. He owns a few hospitals. Of course, everyone was like why don’t you just go back home and take over running them. Because its my dad’s thing not mine, its my dad’s money, not mind. Fucking A folks, I have seen him come home exhausted an, with enough lines to justify his 50+ years I am not taking money from him!

Why don’t parents understand that giving their kids everything just fucks them over? I see enough Cliché’s in Delhi, the kid’s who when asked what hey do, they run daddy’s business….um, yes but what do *you* do? My father exports textiles

Yes, I got that stud, what the fuck do you do in life for work?

Blank looks…its hopeless

Anyway, Hook was supposed to come after her dinner date to meet me, Bobo and Ash’s ex (who really needs a nick by now)…but she got the stage of puking…was supposed to meet me for lunch / shopping Sunday and was hungover…

Meh…fuck off, I quit again


On a positive note (yay goes everyone) I am off to NY ext weekend, Friday night huge concert which I have been dying to go for, Saturday during the day, meeting cute girl from work for a date. Then at night, going out and doing things I really shouldn’t be. Sunday buying new computer (yay! Everybody in the house throw your hand up in the air!)

So, will get some pictures up…right now, make sure I don’t eat if I don’t go to the gym…it’s winter and I tend to put on weight when it gets colder…yes, I am like a bear, I get gruff when someone compliments me, I do have a bit of a pelt (no, its NOT that bad) and I can be very lazy when its cold…also, it take s a lot to piss me off but when you do miss me off, I will rip your head off and drink your blood, how’s that for a picture?

Oh fine, I’m not normally like this, not what you have seen over the past few days…months, I tend to maybe well, less of a pansy…but then again, am not dumped that often either…humph

Hehehehehe, incidentally, I had to put this up, check out the entire story folks:

PS: may re-write this post, seems a bit...blah and all over the place


fivefeetzero said...

while i love reading your long-winded posts, i must confess that they throw me into a tizzy. i have far too many things to say in response and then i try writing them all at once and then, and then, i just get confused and lose track of everything.
breathe. okay, so let's do this one at a time:
- no, the wanting never stops. ever. so you have the girl you love and a good job, but then you'll get married and want kids. but what if you can't have kids, but still love your wife dearly - you'll still be cranky and woe-is-me esque. or if you do have kids, you'll want to earn pots of money to give your kids the best, so you'll want a house in the hamptons, and send them to best private school etc get the picture, i assume. and frankly, none of it will matter because all we really should want is to die happy, and THAT is something that is controlled by us, and not what we have. no?
- me, me. i'm a lonely heart! but in keeping with my bipolar personality, i've decided taht i don't quite mind being here :)
- cliches! dude, they're everywhere in this city. but the difference is that mumbai's culture forces them to be more humble compared to their counterparts in delhi. i think if you have money in this city, it would be considered very crass to shove it in people's faces - or at least south mumbai is like that. the suburbs are more flash, a bit like delhi. anyway, i'm rambling now.
- and ooh, which concert? also, little quaint date places definitely win over nobu type, i'm-trying-so-hard-to-impress-you places. also, there's this great place called leon, just across from liberty, which i think you should visit for lunch when you're shopping on oxford st. oh i have lots of london suggestions - will make a proper list.
ps i'm v excitable today, as is apparent. no reason, just decided to revert to my happy self :)

simmi said...

i really enjoyed this post! i like that it's not that structured.
Your life sounds fun...though it is never enough...but thats a good thing, it is our desires and dreams that drive us to amazing moon, anti retro-viral drugs...tomorrow...

simmi said...

what happened to hedonist hobo's blog, i get to a goddam happy-clappy site?

Zaphod said...

Simmi: thanks, my life is fun and I love it, I love the shit it dregs up at times as much as I do when I am with the faceless one or my friends...and even the shit inevitably changes me and I guess I never forget so well, me wouldn't be me without all the blood, sweat & tears
And Bobo's site is up, at least it is when I click on the link n my own page