Monday, October 02, 2006

ADD ridden post

Jarring Realizations In A Lonely Bed Under The Influence

So, its Friday night and I am boomed outta my head. And I need to watch something funny. No apologies, no judgment, I watched Sex and the City.

I saw this episode where Aidan and Carrie break up.

Now here's how I imagine how the thought process went on. If you take an old old sand timer and let sand pour down, sometimes, it gets stuck and it takes a little nudge to get the grains going again. I think the combination of weed and the show did that for me. Here's to explaining:

He wants to marry her but, like me, she isn't ready. She says yes however.

But she never feels that spontaneity and in her head, is still thinking it over. She is planning her life after and imagining what it will be like. It's the lack of the overwhelming 'yes' that makes the viewer think twice about how she feels. She thinks she wants to marry him but needs to think about her life. The way the show presents it, its that very lack of the spontaneous yes that makes the viewer know that this isn't right and she doesn't want to marry him. Sad fact remains, she thinks she does and so does he.

He later sees it. He realizes that her need to think is an indication that she loves him less than he loves her. He sees it when she still doesn't.

This was the Ex and me. I kept saying I needed to think about it. She seemed to understand that but with time, saw through it and understood that this wasn't right before I did. I kept insisting I needed time when she already asked me and I think she, like Aidan, backed out before me leaving me wondering why (isn't that a song?) but yes, she left because the lack of the overwhelming 'yes'

But what's sadder still is that he stands before her and says he cant believe that this is the second time he is there with her – heartbroken. I know I broke the Ex's heart several times…when I had a thing for the Mindfuck or SB or when I didn't say at that point in time that I could be with her. Of course, she broke my heart a lot too.

I thankfully didn't let things get as bad as they did in the show. She said yes to him and they were engaged. She tried out a wedding dress and had a physical reaction to it and broke out in rashes. I remember that, I remember walking in M Block market and the Ex and I stood in front of a shop with two mannequins , one in a brides outfit and the other holding hands with her in a grooms kurta. And I saw our reflection in the mirror, I was holding her hand as well. And I saw our faces in the mirror and I saw us….and felt like my knees were weak and my throat was dry and I was, for the first time, having a panic attack.

Our breaking up was inevitable. The lack of the big Yes should have been an indication that it wouldn't have worked. And I'm glad I didn't get into it just to back out at the last minute.

Whatever happens in day to day life, life does crystallize for better or worse…but yes, it took one show, some weed, a wet London night in a lonely bed for me to realize that that moment might have been better than the alternative.

Im heartbroken and sad but I also know that I will be better some day. And knowing that now, I feel better…besides there's always Hook who is cute, bitchy and kind of intriguing…my kinda girl?

>: o)

Bobo and I stoned and watching top 20 singles of all time on TV. I heard Sinead O Connors Nothing Compares To You and I almost sent those words to the Ex….almost…seems has though it was mechanical and even though wrought with emotions, it felt habitual…and knowing that now makes me feel better

Sunday musings on the weekend:

I have ADD. I really do. So, in no particular order, here are some musings which occurred to me while boomed.

On jerking off and the Bible

I can understand why the Bible would consider masturbation a sin. I think it isn't the idea of wasting sperm, its more that when they came to the realization that that's the gunk that creates new life, it was such a big deal that the enormity of the realization transferred over and it was such a big deal that well, they made it something sacred.

Also, if tantric sex holds that we find god in the moment of orgasm, what on earth is masturbation? Is it practice? Is it small leaps of faith? Its is finding ones own true path through themselves?

Yeesh, some funny fish out there….

On my Bed, yes with a big B

My bed in Delhi isn't a bed. It used to be a bunk bed but then my sis got her own room. I got rid of the bed, spread out a huge carpet and put a mattress on the floor. That was my bed and the floor was my new bed side table. It had my music system, the TV at eye level, books everywhere in piles, clothes, dirty dishes, bottles of water. I loved it.

I went to the US when I was 16 for a holiday after the 12th grade boards. I remember how strange the bed in my uncles place in Boston was. It was on this metallic frame and so high off the ground. I wasn't used to a duvet or goose feather pillows but sleeping in that bed, I realized that I wasn't in Delhi any more. I don't know why but it felt so strange. I can still remember the first night in the US, it was eerily quiet, just an odd car throwing light on the wall for a few seconds, no horns, no temple bells, no heaving masses…just, quiet, well manicured lawns and I couldn't sleep. The sprinkler goes off at 2am, I can hear my breathing, I can hear the cat slinking along the wall in the room.

For the first time, I wasn't home.

But even the bed here in London is far off the ground. It isn't my bed. The one in NY is from Ikea and is very low on the ground, you can sit on it with your legs bent at less than 90 degrees. Its big and I still have a pile of books on the ground within hands reach, even though I have a sidetable now.

I love my bed, whichever one it may be in NY or Delhi. I have made love, felt love there, I have woken up with my best ideas and worst nightmares, I have slept in it stoned, drunk, self loathing and content, I have woken up drunk, sober, scared, happy, cold, alone, with a woman in my arms, I have stretched out in it after a brutal day, or after a long day of nothingness

Come in to my bed and spend a little time….

On things we see when boomed

Bobo and I are walking down on the gayest street in London, all kinds of people, incongruous homogeneity, hipsters, the beautiful people, the gay lot, the grunge punks, the suits…the Von Trapp Family

(do a double take)

we see two girls, I am sure one was called Heidi, both in floral prints the typical Alps dress down to the head piece and two nuns and they are ridiculously out of the Sound of Music

And what’s worse, they are walking past Mary Poppins the show….my mind feels like someone took a swizzle stick and swirled around and made a martini in it

Bobo like the word ‘incapacitate’ and Shaggy, Bobos female friend from Canada likes the word ‘discombobulate’ when she is stoned. I too have a favorite word that is a magical word that I like when I am stoned. Its magical only because it comes to me when I am stoned

Bobo chats up 63 year old gay guy with three teeth at Molly Meggs which is a gay old school bar where on weeknights drag queens sing and you can karaoke with them

We step out to go to Marylebone station to get a bit of something-something and are standing outside Ed's Diner to get a cab. A bald headed gay guy steps out to clean off some graffiti. We get to talking and he asks where I live. I point to the building opposite the diner and he looks at me funny until I mention I live in the back, the side away from the street. He tells me that that used to be a famous drag queens bar. And now its some fishy internet thing. He says the guys there make gay porn or something of the sort. We look up at the window and see a slat pulled back and someone looking down. Gareth, the bald guy points to two guys who walk up the stairs and we see one of them pull out his wallet and give another guy. Gareth is delightful he is right and I am a bit discombobulated. Then the guys start taking off their clothes.

My neighbors make gay porn.

So, between realizations of the heart, religion and sex and scoring some green and ‘meeting’ the neighbors, have had an eventful weekend…oh and I can play the opening riff to Stairway to Heaven


fivefeetzero said...

i wonder sometimes though - if the 'overwhelming yes' is only the stuff of romance, danielle steele books and sappy movies? maybe it doesn't really exist, and we will never be sure..?

Zaphod said...

if it doesnt exist, them i am in for a world of heartbreak aren't i?
Like I said in another post, ,I'm a hopeless romantic...