Friday, October 06, 2006

All The Leaves Turn Yellow....And The Sun Is Nowhere To Be Seen

Hearts break across the world. If you lie silently in bed, beyond the sound of the street and those looking for love and those who have found it, with your eyes closed, you can hear it.

You can play a soundtrack to your life, something that tells me how I feel without having to tell myself.

People out there, finding happiness, breaking hearts…

Its autumn, the winding down of another year, the leaves turn over and fall at your feet and you look up at the trees and wonder how everything happened so fast, it was just yesterday that you remember the sun shining just for you and the world moving at your feet.

Everyone wants to be happy…and sometimes at the cost of others…if life were fair, no one would be unhappy and hearts wouldn’t break.

I get out the office when its dusk. I see suits and legs walk mast, laughing and holding hands.

I put on music loud enough to drown it out, I walk fast as I always have, trying to run and move a split second faster than them, no not the people. I dart around corners, I see spaces clear up in the crowd just for me, people languidly move around me, and today it seems though I am the only one going upstream. Down the Tube, the train pulls in and I see a reflection of myself, blurry but there, a ghost that smiles back at me. The doors open and I get off and walk up the now familiar stairs. The music is upbeat and tries to make me feel better but they are still following me. I lie in bed hoping they haven’t caught up with me. But they have…how far and how long can you run from your own thoughts?

An ex messaged asking if I would come for her engagement. How can I? how can I be there on a day that is supposed to be the happiest for her while I bring in loathing and betrayal at the fact that she is marrying someone she doesn’t love and has never been able to answer me. I don’t love her and she knows it but I know she doesn’t want me to ask her if she loves him. Its one question she doesn’t want to hear…it’s a question no one wants answered.

Betrayal not of whatever I may have felt, but at the fact that she is betraying everything I want to believe in and hope exists…if I ever realize that love doesn’t really exist, it’s the day my face with crumble and I will blow away with the wind…a million little pieces

….I’m in a New York state of mind…

Give me back the love I knew, give me back the place I call home…play me a jazz song that no one hears but me, a song for me…give me a girl who will walk in and sit down in front of me, without saying a word, have a drink and help her self to a cigarette…a girl I can dance with to this song, a girl in a long flowing black dress, give me a girl that is my song

Yeah, its about me babe, but then again, its my life and it will be about me…

She made me feel disposable, after a three month grace period, she is moving on after a six year long….fling?

The word sinks in and I realize I am afraid of being alone. Fuck anyone who says they don’t feel that…you can sleep with many women but you will always want the one that you want waking up with you, not the one who is there right now

You know what would make me happy right now? A Bourbon and a jazz bar, the bassist in a coat with a hat, a song and a girl in a long black dress

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
She'll beat you if she's able
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet

I remember that song, I remember lying in bed with a girl, singing that song as I heard it play on the music system, I never felt lonelier…

These things that are pleasin' you
Can hurt you somehow

Why is it all my ghosts are catching up with me right now? Why are they all bearing down on me? The Ex, AB (ouch), missing SB…remembering the first girl I danced with…

Sorry babe, nothing but a cold autumns day and a jazz song here

MT just signed in, another broken heart…im surprised the streets of this little planet aren’t lined with wounded souls with the ones in love walking past, unheeding and unmindful. You can’t do much but wait, wait and hope that one of those walking along, nose in a book notices you and something catches, and you get up…but until then, I will make this life my own … and I will wait

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
It's hard to tell the night time from the day
You're losin' all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?

Paint me a picture babe, paint me one where the colors swirl and shades of grey make sense, paint me one that shows me the world as I see it, show me that you see it too

Or at least give me a car fast enough to outrun my thoughts wont you please?

Fuck this, I’m just going with the flow…upstream it may be but you know what, I’m the one paddling and right now, that’s all that matter

Goodnight and sleep well tonight


What if I died tomorrow?

So many unsaid things, so many unloved and unmet people, so many unspoken conversations and unheard songs

I love that side of life, you never know what’s around the corner, its just going to take its own time….until then, come on over, least we can do is split a bottle of wine

but coming back to dying...thats another post...stay tuned!


I call it the City of Laughter and Forgetting for a good reason...but its everything in between and everything that is the opposite...its me trying to avoid what's inside, the remembering and the sadness...which is why I call this my City, my City of Laughter and Forgetting

Sorry sweethearts if i sound all wishy-washy and sappy but you know what, its just the jazz song that seems to be soundtrack of the year

Au revoir, and here's to looking at ya kid!


fivefeetzero said...

but what's worse? being alone or being with the wrong one? i can never decide which fear i should let win.
i know you said you'd wait until the one comes along, her nose in a book until she notices you, but you know what? i'm tired of waiting. why am i still here while everyone else seems to have to found bliss? and why can't i be in love with M (the best friend) who loves me to death? is there some twisted logic to all this that everyone but me seems to get? some day far in to the future, my life is going to be held up as the perfect example of the randomness of the universe.
oh i'm so blue today.

Zaphod said...

Babe, please don't end up with the wrong guy...look, I'm an old fashioned romantic and hope that when I get hitched, it *will* be forever...also, as for being tired of waiting...don't...just focus on your life and its apt to blindside you one tuesday afternoon during lunch, you never know...
and as for loving the best friend who loves you...well, I'm am/was in love with my best friend, SB and she said she wished she felt the same way...and being at the unrequited end of the bargain, I think it may be harder on the guy...oh well