I really don’t. Keep me up all night, have me reach my breaking point. Tire me out feckless but make sure I earn everything please? I don’t want to be a daddy’s dough boy. Or a trust fund baby (of course that’s impossible). But you see all these guys with gold chains (can you say desi bling?), flashy cars, cell phones and you go what the hell did you do to deserve this?
( I was in Mocha in Delhi and this 17-18 year old guy pulls out the Nokia Communicator, you know, the one that opens in half to reveal a full screen and keyboard set up and I’m like, kid, who the fuck sends you emails…I mean how do they read “Yo Balwinder, wots da sceen for 2night yaar? W’ere r all da kuris?”)
But I guess it was the way I was brought up and I haven't thanked Mommy dearest for that and I probably won't since I did resent my parents for a while but as a kid, every request for a book or music cassette or ice cream was answered with another question -- what did I do to earn it. And I hated that, I really did...but guess it paid off
I am reverting back into my old ways of not taking care of my skin
And no, I don’t mean exfoliation please. I mean eating crap and not working out. Fucking A…this is why I keep a blog, to make sure I see stuff like this and keep it in check. I am going to try and hit the gym as often as possible. Now I would keep weight as a measure of how I am doing but if I lift, fat becomes muscle and you don’t really lose too much weight. In any case, I am losing control again and I need to do this to have some fucking sanity left
I am losing control…again, or so I feel
Jesus fucking Christ. I HATE this feeling and the only way I can cope with all this shit is by being in control. So, once again
1) work out, its something I can make time for … I would sooner jump off a cliff than say, oh, I don’t have the time
2) I need to pick up that stupid instrument before I shoot myself! Its not so much that I want to learn it because I really really want to, its more that this will be a rare occasion where any edification is for me and not work related
3) If I think a girl is cute, fuck all, I am going to say it. At this point, I have nothing to lose and at the very least, it will give me a nice callous and keep me from getting hurt…theoretically, each time should hurt less and less so why not…besides, who knows, miracle of miracles, I actually find someone I can potentially like
4) I am going to keep this simple…no more bull shit agonizing over things I cant control…from the simplest like work is keeping me London (so fucking A, roll with it) to AB (fuck it, its just another name as the song goes)
5) I am going to try and meet as many people as possible. Before, I used to think I needed people to keep my head occupied. Now, its more that I like being around people, its just fun
I really need to stop whining and bitching
It has such a bad effect on me – most notably a low self-esteem. Fine, so I sound like a self help book but even though I have read a ton of them, never really worked on it. And it shows in everyday interactions. And the simple reason is that I focus on what’s going wrong instead of being happy for what I have and the knowledge that I can move toward everything else. I mean look, the biggest thing I killed myself over was getting a decent job. I think every one older than me who has some idea about finance has said this is an amazing job and I should never give it up…they are right.
Plus, if I can make it in NY, I can make it anywhere…and thankfully, I am not a sanitized pink-shirt-popped-collar hick from Suburbia…considering home is a delightfully gritty place where you can step out in expensive leather shoes and a shirt from Pink and walk past a beggar who makes less than the shirt on your back, the incongruity I guess puts a small shell around you while making it fact of life, instead of something most Americans tend to do – be shocked by it and find it an intrusion on their insularity.
Also, thankfully I have lived off scraps literally (beat eating pizza crusts and cheese ‘coz you are too broke…or eating a Norflox right after you eat in case that fishy Chinese food was indeed fishy)
So, with this, I promise to make this my last rant until something rant-worthy happens
Ignore the universe, if it cant faze you and you don’t react to it emotionally, it will fall in line
My favourite book is Illusions. Heck, if it has gems like the Messiah’s Handbook – Reminders for the Advanced Soul, it has to be!
But more than that, it makes good sense. So with due credit to Richard Bach whom I adore (is it who or whom?),
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself.
Being true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the mark of a false messiah.
If I had kept that in mind while dating the Ex, I would have, in the long run, been happier
The simplest questions are the most profound.
Where were you born?
Where is your home?
Where are you going?
What are you doing?
Think about these once in awhile, and watch your answers change.
I read this when I was 15 and it was the moment I fell in love with Bach
You are never given a wish without being given
the power to make it true.
You may have to work for it, however.
This is why I worked hard in school, why I bend over backwards to get the job done, want to work out (heck, if it’s a really attractive girl you want, should you devote the same energy to looking that decent?...okay so this is superficial but whatever floats your boat baby!)
Every person, all the events of your life, are there because you have drawn them there.
What you choose to do with them is up to you.
My relationship with Ash was the most fucked up of any…we mind fucked so much and in the end it was I who kind of lost…but I know for a fact it can never ever happen again. That’s just one example…what can I say, I am a people person …but it’s the curious ones that become my friends
A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such a speed, it feels an impulsion....this is the place to go now.
But the sky knows the reason and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons..
At the un-wisened age of 15, this was a bit of a mystery to me. But since then in the years gone by, every time I find myself thinking of the future because the present is too much of a burden, I lift myself out of the frame and look down and see myself and realize, these are just small issues…and I always have felt better
That's what learning is, after all; not whether we lose the game, but how we lose and how we've changed because of it and what we take away from it that we never had before, to apply to other games. Losing, in a curious way, is winning.
Heard that one before! But how many times have you thought about it?
And to end…here’s the beautifullest of thoughts, lines that give me the feeling I get of crawling under the sheets after a long day, the feeling I get when the wheels touch the tarmac at the Delhi airport, the feeling I get when I lie in the faceless ones arms, with the smallest of smiles and the happiest of moments
Nothing happens by chance, my friend... No such thing as luck. A meaning behind every little thing, and such a meaning behind this. Part for you, part for me, may not see it all real clear right now, but we will, before long.