So anway, realized this morning I am terribly dissatisfied and I have been waiting for this feeling. It hasn't come up since the end of 2004, when I was in the throes of a job hunt (and seeing Hobo do what I did, reminds me of that)
But yes, I realized I have been bitching more than normal (though many friends will roll their eyes). And usually I keep this under check but I kind of figured out that if I don't, it keeps building up until I get fed up of it and then comes the breaking point (inevitably when I wake up with a raging hangover and subdued spirit,s don't trip on the pun) and then go, fuck it, I'm outta here, I will be back when I feel/am better.
So with that, that is what I plan on doing. And I think Hobo inspired me to set in stone (ref. post 'On Writing') what I must do this year or else face my own wrath:
1. get my fat lazy no good butt out of the veritable bed and into shape. Now, dear reader, how many times have I, me, zaphod said that? No, seriously? I think this has been the longest running party slogan and the least fulfilled. Yes, I have managed to lose that layer under my chin that seems to be the curse of all the guys in my family but the fact that I actually had it makes me very repulsed. Now, knowing that I can actually get rid of it, why should I stop there? No, seriously? So, not until I have a Goa body will I rest and i have ummmm...89 days before I go back to India. Previously, the Ex and wanting to make her eyes pop out was the motivation but heck, I couldn't be bothered by anyone else. And I knew it was only when I got really fed up would I get up and get moving. So this is that point and I am carpayin the diem or this sense of dissatisfaction at any rate
2. Whenever I was the dumpee, I always made the mistake of trying to rush head first into the next thing. For once, just this one time, I want to try the opposite and hold back and see what happens.
3. Self destrctive behavior -- otherwise the infamous line so many people have heard: "Dude, I'm going to get wasted tonight". Most of the time, I fight total inebriation. Heck, in school I was the nice guy that made sure my harem got home in one piece. But there have been a few rare occassion where I have warned those around me that I am going to get drunk and when I do, I sacrifice my liver for a few hours of non-remembering. So with this, I promise to decrease the indulgence, not cease because I still have some demons to exorcise and until that point, this will be a small way of letting insanity in
4. No more thinking about the Ex in ways that get me down, especially in line with 'Mr. Brightside' because that makes jealous to the point of fingers bruising the palm being clenched so tight. I know I didn't want to marry the Ex and that is the bottom line.
5. Do small things that make me feel better about life -- I had my first geetar class this past weekend and I remembered a lot of old stuff and it feels familiar (but I wonder if part of the reason I believe it so much is because of the book 'Illusions')
sorry, took a brief lunch break there.
So, where was I?
Ah yes, the sense of dissatisfaction -- have had it twice that I can recall -- once in India when I was debating if I should continue at HIndu or leave for the US. The other was at the end of my college term and I was looking for a job. I think what I feel now is a mid-twenties crises, and owing to the fact I am not in my mid-twenties, it is detracted and prolonged and has plagues me for the past few month.
No more, scum! I banish thee...no, I cast this out of this life! (the power of Christ compels you, the power of Christ...oh bollocks, you know how it goes, get out this minute!)...so, am exorcising these demons....ready?