Sunday, September 03, 2006

A Letter

Its interesting. Two of the girls told me that its possible to keep your feelings in check.

So I was talking to AB and I said it sucked that the girls I really liked, didn’t like me back. And she said that she doesn’t let her self get to that stage, and to paraphrase her, if you don’t feel that way about me then fine, I am not wasting my time on you. And I remember when SB was in town, I was a bit boozed up and said that love sucked and that I hated I didn’t have control over certain, no, most things in life. And she said that you can control how you feel.

I guess I can take that as a sign. Out of the three that I thought I could fall in love with, I dated one, the other turned me down and is now my best friend and the third, well, dated my best friend and is now going on a date with someone else.

I guess I can go through the Herculean effort of curbing how I feel. I don’t like doing that simply because I enjoy the emotions, albeit painful ones, that entail. It…feels human I guess, or I allow the irrationality and sentiment to wash over.

Yeah, SB and I were talking and I said I complained too much and I should be grateful for what I have. She agreed and I guess I am. But she also said the more we have, the more we want.

I realized today, when SB left, that part of me does love her and unfortunately I will be the one at her wedding seeing her marry someone I hope who loves her.

I see love all around me but the cynic sees imperfections in it. SB and I went out with Ash and her bf. And we were headed home and were chewing the fat and she said that it seemed as though Ash was more into him than he was into her. And thinking about it, I agree. A part of me feels that this is something Ash needs to go through. She has been flippant with a few guys and has toyed with them and I remember telling her once, that I hoped she fell for a guy who didn’t feel the same way back. She laughed and said it was a horrible thing but I told her its something everyone should experience once in life. I think her bf is a great guy, Friday night we were just chatting for three hours on love, life and music (while SB slept on the couch with a rather feminine snore which was adorable). And SB commented that when asked if his parents disapproved of his girlfriend, whoever she may be, he said he would break up with her (he is a muslim and Ash is a hindu).

Anyway, I feel bad for her and I hope things work out for her.

But I don’t know, I miss these girls, I will miss the feelings I have for them. I know things will never work with AB or SB. But both will know how I feel. AB I think a lot sooner than SB. SB asked me how long it can be before a guy goes from one serious relationship. I told her that while I cant speak for all guys (guys don’t talk about feelings) I personally need some time. She asked for what and I remember replying, “I need to….fix myself”

Something is broken. And I can feel it when my breath comes shallow, caught in my chest.

…I know that every time I have felt bad, it has shaped who I am. But there are times like now that I wish it was so much easier. I would like a break and soon please.

Dear Universe

I feel that you have a reason for causing certain things. I really do feel that way. But right now, the reason behind it is obscured. And if you wanted to make this a terrible year for me, it worked. The Ex made me feel unattractive as a person and someone not worthy. SB visiting reminded me of beautiful a person she has and just being around her feels great. AB breaking up and now seeing someone else is a reminder of feelings long dead, or so I believed.

There are a few times in this life that I have woken up with just one thought in my head – you wont let me get hurt. But I have. And I hope there is a method to this madness and out of this pain, something beautiful is born. I would like to believe everything happens for a reason and life like everything else crystallizes. But right now, it just plain hurts. Please take it away.

I know I shouldn’t depend on you too much and I am trying to fix things. I really am trying to do everything that makes me feel in control. But a small sign that things will be better, just a sign, something small….something random, something clear would be very nice right now.

I’m not asking to make things better tomorrow, just let me know that sometime down the line, they will be.

I have been called a great friend, I have had some of my closest friends tell me I am the best guy they have ever met, I have had unrequited crushes tell me that I will make someone very happy and I would make a great boyfriend, I have been cared for, appreciated, loathed, befriended, amusing, charming, witty according to them, but I have been loved once and even that went.

It was the nicest thing. And I couldn’t get enough of it.

Anyway, I hope that I hear from you soon. I really do.

Thank you

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