Okay, let us examine social theory and approach anxiety. It’s a common term in certain circles but requires, no, finds validation and existence everywhere where men and women can be found, especially in 21st c. watering holes.
There is a good reason for approach anxiety I think. When man was a hunter-gatherers back in the day (Once upon a time, on a mostly blue planet), women were scarce. As such, men were programmed into being nervous approaching them for mating purposes.
There was a simple reason for this, nature intended the hardiest and best of men to survive. So, make all of them nervous.
Now, take a man who has the biggest fur, the biggest cave and is the best hunter. He earns the praise of other men. He develops a sense of confidence. At the tipping point, the sense of confidence wins over the inherent anxiety. He can then strut up to a woman and grunt which in modern day parlance would equate to, hey babe, come here often? (Of course, that doesn’t work so for all the ladies out there, it translates to Hi! Im Ogg, son of Fugg).
The woman thinks, oh, he is courting me, they flirt, he shows her his cave (with just one handy-dandy door that leads to the Outdoors) and they do the dirty-dirty.
I know this jars some of the ideas you may have best b’loved, of men hitting women on the head and dragging them back to their cave for some wild monkey love/procreation
So, I think I have established that men have approach anxiety, and I can only speak for men and that it exists for a reason – nature.
Now, approach anxiety is seen very often and through personal experience and observation (you must know by now people watching is my favoritest hobby…as is making up words, im a regular bibliographer).
Exhibit A: guy walks up to girl
M: hows it going?!/can I buy you a drink/do you like the music
F: fine, thank you/im good thanks/its okay
(and I am being generous here, at least in this case the girl replied to Ogg, son of Fugg)
Exhibit B: guy makes joke
M: (flustered she didn’t laugh says something completely stupid)
Exhibit C: guy sees herd of dancing women
M: (guy tries to dance with one by standing behind her, brushing into her and things of the sort)
(and I have seen it fail enough times when my women friends come up to me, tap my shoulder (mid-conversation with a cute girl ALWAYS…please stop doing that!) and go, there’s a creep after me)
So, we have established approach anxiety, why it exists and how guys think they can over come it and what they interpret the advice, “be cool” to mean
So, I am talking to Bobo and she says something so obvious to girls and something that is immensely profound to a lot of guys –
if a guy sounds bubbly and happy and genuine (and that's something you just can't put on it resonates from genuine genuiness!) that's good enough incentive for me to keep the conversation rolling.
Now, connect the dots best b’loved. If a man does everything I mentioned in the scenarios and is nervous and fidgety, he is showing his anxiety. If a guy sounds like what Bobo says, I think (and this is just me) it just shows that he is a genuinely fun guy and anyone would be interested in speaking with him. Guys are under a lot of pressure to make the first move and to ‘score’ and do everything guys are supposed to. This just heightens their anxiety. If a girl talks to them, they act nervous, its because they think oh this is my one shot, how do I not blow it. In fact, if you ever talk to a guy who is nervous, there is just one single sole thought in his head, how does he not blow it or, what is the right thing to say to you.
Now, take the other guy, the one who earned the praise of other men. He isn’t thinking this is my one shot, instead he goes, oh hello! And has a genuine conversation.
But the problem comes up when the first type of guys tries to be the second kind. i.e. he is nervous but tries to demonstrate he is the biggest hunter
In a pathetic attempt to demonstrate he is the best hunters, he says some of the most pathetic things. And I draw from my own life here working in finance in NY where they talk about how much they spent on their watch/clothes/house in the
In addition to all this, the modern male exhibits certain higher values which he thinks will make him more attractive to the opposite gender (in oh so many ways the opposite). The furs are still there in fancy-pant…pants (oh dear, a verbal cul-de-sac). The biggest cave is still there. The most meat (and I mean meat as food and not as you-know-what) is money. But yes, I think the idea of survival is changing. Bill Gates and the Buffets may, to a certain degree, become indicators of survival i.e. they have money and hence will be good providers. The importance of jocks, while ever present (face it, its in your genes) is diminishing. So, I think if a guy is well versed and intelligent, then he gets brownie points from women. (mind you, this wouldn’t have gone over well in the days of Ogg and Fugg, after all, what’s the point of being able to wax poetic if there’s a sabre toothed tiger following you?).
Approach anxiety in women: it exists but I obviously know nothing about this and Bobo enlightened me.
She says that she has wanted to talk to a cute guy but:
- what the fuck do I (bobo) say to him
- he's gonna think i ony wanna sleep with him
- he's gonna think she's making the first move so whore or oops my masculinity's been trampled on
Bobo, I cant help you on what to say to him…if I have something to say to a girl, its usually something that caught my eye or I think is unusual. If he thinks you only want to sleep with him, you picked the first type of guy I mentioned. If he thinks you are a whore, then he has self esteem issues and you don’t wanna talk to him and if he thinks you trampled on his masculinity, he has none to speak of.
Men & women live on the same planet and love each other (discounting for men who love men, women who love women, men who love animals, trees or any thing else weird and women who feel the same) but they seem to speak different tongues.
All in all, I think man is natures biggest project and I think it may need a few kinks smoothened out. How’s that for an unanthropomorphic point of view? And how’s THAT for the use of big words to demonstrate a decent intellect…
PPS: this post my be considered uber-sexist and anti-feminist or something. But please, just accept the fact that I am not writing all this in a social / moral construct, i am trying to deconstruct the way guys behave to better understand why they do the stupid things that they do...