Okay so I hate the hypocrisy of emotions. Now, I’m not being a pissed-off generic here nor am I waxing frustration.
Okay so consider this, in the bigger scheme of things I have had things that have upset me more than my break-up over smaller thing. Meh?
For instance, the last really bitter twinge (and I use ‘twinge’ loosely) was when this really prestigious UK boarding school came to my high-school in Delhi to offer a 50% scholarship to the UK for the 11th and 12th grade. Now it was a national competition, exams in 8 subjects, two rounds of interviews…and it was a national thing. So I thought I would it a shot. They actually liked me. I gave the interview just fine, wasn’t nervous (it had been the first interview of my life at the relatively naive age of 15…ugh, I was a kid). Anyway, so that went off fine and believe it or not, I came in 3rd. Now that sucks because they were taking the first two. I was a replacement should something go wrong (and how I wished one of them would get the last-minute runs and not be able to make it). Anyway, sufficient to say, it sucked. Turns out, the guy who came in second, his dad knew the chancellor of the school. The first kid’s dad was a hotshot with the British Council in
Now in hindsight, if I had gone, I wouldn’t have met A, I wouldn’t have had those wonderful memories from high-school (the football field steps where all us would meet during break, the bunking). Anyway, at the time it felt like the end of the world. And truth be told, it wasn’t because a snotty school rejected me (www.shrewsbury.org.uk/) it was because they did it for reasons I felt unfair.
But heck, looking back I realize life isn’t fair, sometimes pets die before you expect, friends fade away, hearts break and you don’t always feel loved.
But there are times that make up for it. The fission you feel when someone gives you their number, the delight you get in watching a funny movie alone and laughing out to yourself, hearing your own laughter for its own sake and feeling like you could give yourself a hug….the quieter times when you can reflect on a park bench during a fall day, the cinna leaves falling down about you….congratulating yourself in a small way when you achieved something you hoped for (but were afraid you wouldn’t see). For me it was my last bonus…it was no small amount and when I got out of work that day, I sat on a park bench on a summers day (can’t you just hear the ‘Mamas & the Papas’…that’s what I listened to that moment and the song will always remind me of that moment), hand on my knees, head looking down at the crinkled leaves. And I thought about college when I was broke, about a post a few months ago where I ate (nearly) bad cheese coz I didn’t have money and well, realized that perhaps I could take care of myself after all.
Anyway, but see here’s where the topic of this post comes up. Why is it that when we are upset, the issue at hand seems to be overwhelming even if it (and im sure my sis feels that way since I don’t and im just alluding to it) a zit the night before a party. I mean really…look if I had three wishes, god knows what the other two would be (okay, actually god and I do) but one of them would be to see everything in life in perspective.
Without the distortion of emotions, without the bitterness of defeat (no matter how small) and without the pain of losing something, if I could see things in perspective, I think I would be a bit healthier…
Its like I read in a book…step out of the picture once in a while, look at it like the photographer…remove yourself from your life, look at it from above….you will definitely feel better about your life.
And you know what, I do
Ooo, I just read the title of the post and rememberd the thought that made me write it -- if I am sad about something that in hindsight isn't that significant but still hurts, I am being myopic...if I think about the future and almost live in it, then I'm not living in the moment...wtf?!
Meh...can't figure out these things on an empty stomach...am off for the time being