Going Down In Flames...

Written: 30th July '06

Ahh bloggee, I have missed you. I can't believe Flash Gordon is on TV right now (Flash! Flaa-AAAAsh!) That was a god-awful movie! And I cant believe the guy from Fiddler on the Roof (Topol?) actually acted in it. Talk about bad career moves.

So this weekend was hectic. Friday evening barely made the train to visit my friend at W------ where she is studying. Got there Friday evening and hung around and it was great to be in a college town. But I loved the train – took the Virgin and I guess I do have wanted lust. As always, passed all these gorgeous little farmhouses and as always wondered what I would have been like if I had lived in them or better yet what it would be like to live at one of these for a few months. I think the "Grapes of Wrath" is rubbing off on me.

The bathrooms in the trains have a button to push to have the round door slide along (very ‘Fifth Element’, campy in that way). Now I was sitting in the hall way with the bathroom (never you mind the smell) because all the seats were taken and there were too many people talking and I could hear all of them and needed peace albeit stinky. So I see this woman trying to close the door as in pull it shut. But there were three buttons on the opposite wall – one to shut the door, another to lock and a button to open once you are done. So considering she didn't see the button to close the door and was pulling it shut, I presumed she didn't lock it either. Now I didn't think that I could tell her once she was inside.

The universe I swear does things to us just to get a kick out of it and laugh at us. God, if he or she exists, has a wicked sense of humour!

Two girls came along, pushed the button to open the loo…and it did and from my angle I just saw the other lady's scrabble at the door as it swung open…talk abut being caught with your pants down

I should have said something I guess but well…what? That there is someone in there and odds are they don't know how to lock the door?

O dear o dear

Then met a few of NM's friend and they were a nice lot…we hung out and just talked and I love catching up with NM because well, we think alike and have the same sense of what tickles us.

We took the scenic route back and walked passed this field a la "Children of the Corn" and that freaked us out with NM yelling at me for ruining the field for her …heheheh

The next day we went lazed about and got out of the house at 3pm just coz we were famished and went down to Leamington (lemming lemming lemming lemming…I love that word) and had lunch/dinner at a really nice place called the Leamington Bar and Grill. Ooo and I got to try a pinor gris which I just read about in "Thirsty Work"

[my new hobby for this year is wine and im so going to go for a wine tasting class in NY. Its incredible how much effort goes into making wine…but I think my favorite part may be on how the grapes are grown. Chile seems to be new darling simply because of how the grapes have perfect weather where its hot and dry during the day but the ocean breeze chills them at night making the skin taut). I’d love to go to Chile – always have passages from Gerald Durrell coming up in my head, the pampas, the toreadors and tapas (okay so I got my Latin American countries mixed up). ]

Then went out to The Kenilworth in Kenilworth and sat outside coz we wanted to smoke. It started raining and the desperate fucks we are (me, NM and 2 of her friends) we took out our umbrellas…fortunately we got to sit in. Dang, will re-edit this post with pics

And this morning AB called NM up.

Now AB is one of three women I felt I could see myself falling in love with (which is weird for me to admit in black and white since I don’t really feel that way very often…crushes sure, but not this)

And I can be honest about AB to myself because I know nothing can happen (even though people have said never say never) and its ancient history. But I liked her in the 10^th grade and we lost touch and she began dating a really good friend who has liked her since the 8^th grade. Now she called up at what I can imagine was 5am her time since she is in Canada and NM had to leave the room to talk to her since I was in there and I guess it was private but an hour and a half long. Turns out she is breaking up with my friend because of the long distance thing.

[I don’t know how I feel about that being in a 5 yr relationship where 4 years were long distance. It’s not easy. You can fight and scrabble to keep the relationship going. But I guess I crave having that person near me. I wish I could say relationships are mostly cerebral and well, yeah, they are (for me anyway) but I just…need that person around. Plus its hard to grow together when you don’t share the same experiences. And sometimes its an effort to talk to the other person…I don’t know. I thought that love was this perfect happy dippy thing that could survive but look, im just trying to avoid believing that love is a question of geography. It shouldn’t be!

so much for the last of the unicorns

Growing up sucks sometimes]

But even though I wont ever admit it to anyone, I didn't think they were right for each other. I don't know. There are a few people I can spend hours talking to. SB was one of them…we would spend hours one summer on the phone. I don't think I have ever had a meaningful conversation with AB (not to take away from what we do talk about) but I don't think something has come up of the sort. But still, its just…fun.

Of course the icing on the cake was the fact that 2 people said we fit right and it just freaks the hell out of me when they say it. Like SN is one of her closest friends and I remember one time this year, I think in February we had gone to Opus and we were talking about friends we had in common and she said AB and MT (her boyfriend, my friend) were having issues and I ask SN why she had a falling out with MT. She said she didn't think they made the best couple.

[This is interesting because as a friend you want the best for the people you care about and while I want the same, its hard for me to know when im stepping over the line and where the distinction of "its her/his business" comes up so as a rule I only offer advice when asked. ]

Anyway I instinctively defended MT but I did ask her if she approved of anyone AB had gone out with. And she said no and I'm like, "then?". Perhaps its was the weed or booze or both but she goes "you would be perfect for her". Now that freaks me out because I don't like to think of what could have been.

[It just leads me to question everything and wonder if I can ever be at peace with what I have. I know what I want. It's the frustration of not getting it that tears me up. Now either I act on it, and inevitably get hurt and walk away a bit sadder. Or I can play chicken and just keep myself busy and hope that something comes along and makes me happy enough.

yeah okay, so I know what I want and sometimes I hate that…coz I keep working toward it but seem to get pushed back. Would I rather stumble about trying to find out what I want? I dunno…sometimes that seems easier…seems less painful than knowing what you want but living with the niggling feeling that you wont get it. And see, that’s a shame because I always maintain, “take what you get” but always always mumble in my mind “and fight for the rest”. And I do. But I can’t when it comes to other people. There is nothing to fight and make them change their mind. I mean in the end you are fighting with them and forcing them to change and in doing so changing who they are (kinda like what Heisenberg had to say…)

I hope this makes sense.]

Anyway and im speaking with AS, my ex today and told her that AB was thinking about breaking up. She goes, oh you two are perfect….meh?

No seriously, what?

It just freaks me out that she felt that way and I didn't and I didn't even think about it because I haven't in so long. And im like what on earth gives you the right to say that? She said she knew me better than I do.

Ugh. No, I don't like AB but I know I could if it ever arose. Of course, when I told AS that :

a) I didn't feel that way (to which she said if you think about it, you will) and

b) it was against the rules,

AS blew up and said that if these rules guys make up stand in the way of you being with the one person you may just fit with perfectly, then you are all morons.

I don't know. I haven't thought about AB like that in 6-7 years…and for good reason…I guess she was the first person I ever fell for to that degree (the next one being my ex and the one after many years later viz. SB) and being an aquarian, I don't think I will ever shake the very thin slivers of feeling that still remain.

Anyway, I am a bit sad that those two have issues. I mean I thought MT, since he liked her for so very long, would be able to make her very happy. And honestly, I like AB as a person and I always hoped she would be happy. Pity things don't turn out the way you imagined.

Havent I said that often enough?

Anyway, I hope AB figures things out and I'm sure she will be fine…at least I hope she does.

O dear…I don't know why I think/dream of the things I do…always get me into trouble