Saturday, July 15, 2006

An Evening of Mindfucking

Myself that is

I've been called a "nice guy"
Again
Thrice in the same conversation

"But you're such a nice guy"
"You're such a nice guy, you would make a great dad"
...."great boyfriend"

Listen girl, tell me that when I feel alone and wondering if that faceless girl will be there, the one who:

1) will love me for my faults and will understand that when I call her an ass, I'm trying to say "I think you are adorable and the fact that you can be a bit silly makes me fall for you even more"
2) will realize that when I want to be alone, its not because i dont love her, its because I do truly want to be alone to think
3) will turn to me when she is upset and let me talk to her and make her understand but when i cut my finger I want her to treat me like a kid coz you know what, I can be a guy when I have to but I also liked being taken care of
4) but at the same time won't think I need her like a crutch and will be able to understand that I may have a part of my life that is mine and when I want to go out with friends, most of whom are women, I want to out
5) will realize that I am very possessive but never admit it because I think its a sign of weakness (convince me otherwise and in true Aquarian form, I will be convinced)
6) will let me love her my way, will not expect anything on her birthday (hey, presents for you take time to get together, they need preparation, time and thought) but instead will let me leave her guessing about Valentines day, MY valentines day in the middle of July
7) who will let me treat her like ....(sigh) if this sounds like sexist then go read The Fountainhead when (and forgive me, but I was 14 when I read it...fuck, 9 fucking years ago I'm growing old) but who will understand that when Howard Roark gave the girl something and said it wasn't for her but for him and for others to see that she put it on for him, that when I dress her up, its for me....its for me to admire her like I would a beautiful painting, something that I managed...look, if I can get an intelligent and beautiful girl to fall in love with me, then I am admiring thefact that there is hope for me and there isnt shame in being a nice guy and looking at her, there with me, makes me feel good...she should know that but at the same time realize i love HER...i don't love being in love....its HER
okay, more on this another time
8) give me a beautiful little girl I will call Aaliya
9) who will let me hold her hand when I am 90 or poke at her with my walking stick and wink at her

I'm jaded right now. Fuck the birds and the bees talk Dad, tell me instead that love can die, it can all end and you can be alone for a while.

But even that's okay.

Tell me that
More on that later

Anyway....I'm just tired right now. I want to pull a Rip-Van-Sleep-for-a-while-and-will-wake-up-when-everything-is-okay-Winkle thing...I guess this is another bit of me growing up i.e. admitting I am growing up

ANd you know what, this growing up thing sucks

2 comments:

Sreekumar said...

Dont want to say something just for saying...will just say that you made me think.

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