Sunday, February 04, 2007


Oh to walk the night of the First Ages
I had that line echoing in my head from a quick nap I took. Sometimes it's the best defense there is, the best way to flatline again, the best way to escape the Steppenwolf.

The Man goes through the motions, logical in every step, fatalistic about the probable outcomes, treating life as a sparring partner, ducking, weaving the low blows, blocking the high ones.
But once in a while the Wolf part wants, demands to be let loose, to feel every muscle tense up and threaten to burst out the seam, find something real and physical to press against, to push back and win. It makes you want to bare your teeth and growl at the moon and roar at it, sink its teeth in to something. It makes you want to swing wildly and let out this pent up energy.
I think I am just light headed from the gym and pushing my body.
But the Wolf is the seat of wild-eyed ambition, of bitterness and satisfaction from standing alone, the creative side, the one that walks the street, looking at shadows, the other side of being. It's the defense mechanism, the anger that steps from hurt. It's the schadenfreude. Its the one that preserves its own life and creates a hard shell and snaps and bites until its prodded no more and flat lines.
But the Man keeps that Wolf in check. The Man needs company of others, and wants others like him around. He keeps the Wolf in check because he exists and he can not if the Wolf side takes over.
The Wolf side needs the Man side to exist else he would be all Wolf.
Its the Wolf in the Man that brings that air of isolation and of bewilderment at manipulation and grief caused for no obvious purpose and wonderment at the lack of defense in Man and its the Man in the Wolf that keeps him from baring his teeth, confused by the air of isolation.

I think every person has both sides but one dominates over the other. There is inequality in everything, every relationship. But what happens when each side is at odds and is equally heard. Can both be indulged from time to time? A third version seems to emerge that is the vulnerable of the two and then subsequently a fourth that is the protective shell of the two.

Relationships seem to go in waves, following the Man/Wolf pattern too. Both seem to be attracted to the other. One seems flatline while the other seems passionate. Then things settle in. But then the Man speaks in one and wants something more. If the other is still flatline and interested but comfortable, then you have issues. But then again, perhaps I am one of those lousy morons who deliberately shakes the boat to wake up one side.

In any event, both Sides find the alienation from friends odd at times and confused.

I'm just light headed from going to the gym. Perhaps in a few days, everything I have written will read as pure bullshit. I don't know. This post was just written and the keys are still warm.

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