It’s odd this feeling. It’s new. I don’t like it.
I don’t know where I am headed. No, I really don’t. Look, it was school, then college, then job. Okay, I danced to the numbers on the floor. Don’t get me wrong, that was the plan and I was fortunate to have that instead of 11th/12th medicine, med school, become doctor or any variation thereof.
It was school (albeit, do well), college (whatever you want but do well), job (want to do well). But now what?
For all my dissecting, peeling away and general running around in this head of mine, what of it? I still don’t know what I ultimately want. So how do you move toward something you can’t see? Do you do the song and dance, the motions until it comes to you?
It’s like sucking on an empty bottle. And it’s the same desperation.
I met AB this past weekend. It was great catching up with her and we were up until 6 in the morning, me wine addled and her just talking about a lot of things I don’t quite want to get into right now. But the point where she started crying was when I told her it was okay to be selfish and do what she had to to be happy. Of course, for her the tears were at the thought of hurting someone else.
But…what if you don’t know what you want. What of the options you have, what weight do they hold?
Am I a freak or is this something normal?
I know I can get what I want, anything (okay not when it comes to people because you don’t get people, they let you)…but my point is, now where to?
Hahhahahahaha, okay 90 minutes later, I reread that and couldn't help feel angry and then realized something.
I was angry because I realized how pathetic and whiny that sounded. Realized I grew up. Doggone it. Fine, some things are hard no matter what, it's just a question of how you deal with them. All I had to do was change the song and walking the wet streets made me realize that fuck it, I know what I want. I just gotta grow a pair and do it. Looking back at what I have done and what I have been through, I can deal with this and worse.
I'm done being wishy-washy, overtly sensitive and bottled up. And I like being me. I wouldn't change a thing in my life and it's all okay.
Hmm, while I have a Peter Pan complex, there might be something to this growing up afterall.