"It's The Time of the Season"

I have come to a conclusion that everything in life is brief spurts. I have said that growing up consists of a series of small pinpointable events that make you grow up, first heartbreak, first time you realize your folks are wrong, first mistake you can blame no one for but yourself.

I think with me, I can pinpoint the singularities where walls were put up. For instance, the first time my mother said she was disappointed, the first time the Ex cheated on me...this brings me to the moment where the last wall was put up.

Ex: M likes me
Me: So should I be worried
Ex: No, nothing will happen
--it did--
(and this was the second time she cheated on me)

Ex: B likes me
Ex: and no, before you can ask, nothing will happen
We break up and 3 mos later she is dating him

Me: Why did you say nothing would happen. I had to trust you to be with you and the fact that I l**** you made me force down all my walls a lot sooner than what would have been normal.
Ex: It was my way of saying it to myself so that nothing would
Me: Then why string me along?
It was then I realized that no matter how much you trust someone, they may turn around you and get you with your back turned to them.
It also made me realize that if something has to happen, it will. Nothing you can ever do will stop it

"It's The Time of the Season"

I have come to a conclusion that everything in life is brief spurts. I have said that growing up consists of a series of small pinpointable events that make you grow up, first heartbreak, first time you realize your folks are wrong, first mistake you can blame no one for but yourself.

I think with me, I can pinpoint the singularities where walls were put up. For instance, the first time my mother said she was disappointed, the first time the Ex cheated on me...this brings me to the moment where the last wall was put up.

Ex: M likes me
Me: So should I be worried
Ex: No, nothing will happen
--it did--
(and this was the second time she cheated on me)

Ex: B likes me
Ex: and no, before you can ask, nothing will happen
We break up and 3 mos later she is dating him

Me: Why did you say nothing would happen. I had to trust you to be with you and the fact that I l**** you made me force down all my walls a lot sooner than what would have been normal.
Ex: It was my way of saying it to myself so that nothing would
Me: Then why string me along?
It was then I realized that no matter how much you trust someone, they may turn around you and get you with your back turned to them.
It also made me realize that if something has to happen, it will. Nothing you can ever do will stop it

Something To Thank

I think I figured out why I am agnostic instead of an atheist. I can't quite say c'est la vie.
There has to be a reason. Each disappointment beyond my control, everything gone awry through no action or inaction on my part, that equilizer to the questions doubting myself, those needed an explanation.
So in cases like that, I would like to throw my hands up in the air to the universe and say I give up, well, I can't live with myself if i say that but I can certainly say so be it, you win this one.
But yeah, instead of wondering about short comings in me, and usually there haven't been significant contributions from my own faults, I would like to think things turn out for the better, and well, hopefully, when things don't quite go as I hoped, I would like to think of someone, the Universe watching out for me and throwing me a bone.
And it's for those I am so thankful and even in those cases, the stroke of luck, the chance meeting, I would like to have something to thank.

So, while I can't surrender to 'chance', I will personify the Universe and give it a nudge and say thanks for the smaller things, I did notice.

A Question of Faith?

Even if they did prove that Jesus had a kid …oh hang on, James Cameron announced he found the tomb of Christ and there were inscriptions showing ‘Jesus’, ‘Son of Jesus’ and Mary something or the other, Magdalene’s original name… anyway, the show is on the 4th of March on the Discovery Channel
Even if they did prove he had a kid, I don’t think it will make any sort of difference. I guess religion really is a leap of faith and well, some people just accept it. So if it were prove that that was Jesus, I am sure there will be some sort of rationalization (and I use this loosely since we are talking about religion after all), those who want to believe, still will. Acceptance seems to come easy.

Which is loosely tied in with this thread I have had for a few days now. I go about espousing the fact that there is only so much you can do when it comes to other people. I mean really now. For instance, if person A likes person B, then all that persona A is hope that person B likes them back. But beyond that? You can try and imagine all sorts of outcomes when you go ahead and say something like that but would that really help? Can you be anything or anyone other than who you are? Can you get someone to like you back? I think the problem comes in the fact that you can’t really get anyone to do anything while giving them freedom.
Any how, so if you accept this piece of logic, the natural next step is fine, you accept things the way they are and hope for the best. Now hoping for the best and having faith that things will turn out well requires non-rational thought.
Wait that seems flawed.

Actually not, if in the bigger picture, you hope everything turns out fine, you seem to be putting faith into that thought, making a jump of sorts. So how do you go about accepting? Is there any thought path you can follow to accept?

Hmm, oh well

Yeah, No Thanks

Find yourself a girl, and settle down
Live a simple life in a quiet town

Steady as she goes
Steady as she goes
So steady as she goes

Your friends have shown a kink in the single life
You've had too much to think, now you need a wife

Steady as she goes
So steady as she goes
Well here we go again, you've found yourself a friend, that knows you well
But no matter what you do, you'll always feel as though you tripped and fell

So steady as she goes

When you have completed what you thought you had to do
And your blood's depleted to the point of stable glue

Then you'll get along
Then you'll get along

Steady as she goes (steady as she goes)
So steady as she goes (steady as she goes)
Well here we go again, you've found yourself a friend that knows you well
But no matter what you do, it always feels as though you tripped and fell
So steady as she goes
Steady as she goes

Settle for a world neither up or down
Sell it to the crowd that's gathered round
Settle for a girl neither up or down
Sell it to the crowd that's gathered round

So steady as she goes (steady as she goes)
Steady as she goes (steady as she goes)
Steady as she goes (steady as she goes)
Steady as she goes (steady as she goes)
So steady as she goes (steady as she goes)

Steady as she goes
Are you steady now?

Yeah....no thanks

How the HELL do my thoughts jump around like kernels being popped?

So needed to get some maal. I go out, unshaven, threw on whatever and wait on the curb. This SUV pulls over and there are two guys
"Get in"
Zaphod has a flash of being an anonymous face on the inside page of the paper
"Sorry?"
"Get in"
Zaphod obliges lest he be an anonymous face on the inside page.
They start to drive. A hand slides back
"Pick one. $50"
Zaphod picks one, slides the money, gets dropped off and goes home.

Bobo's brother comes over and we proceed to go where them thar kites be and watch "Jaaney Bhi Do Yaaron"
-- Why is whenever they have to cast a woman in a negative role, back in the day, the women had Christian names like Rita or Tina? It's interesting that the female proponents, paragons of virtue had the most Indian name. Now with a more open approach to women's sexuality, they have Indian names, the item girl, the vamp.

-- Men average 7 second of thought to it, fine. But that's an average. For instance, most of the time they are fine and seem to swing between protective feelings for the fairer sex and as soon as there a mild flirtation, jump whole hog and wonder if they can get in her pants.
Whether this is true or not, let me draw on the film when Shobhaji wants Naseruddin Shah's character to take on the assignment. She plays coy and damsel in distress and he wants to help her. But as soon as she goes over the top, he gets this glint as though he can get more out of her. She switches back to damsel in distress and he becomes a knight in shining armor. Again, the smallest sexual innuendo and he becomes the cad trying to get an upskirt peek

-- Sexuality in that movie is kinda obvious. Shah's character slips and falls and she picks him up with patent sandel clad feet. Or when she says she knows what it means to be tired and fight injustice and says something to the effect of "mein bhi bhokee hoon, koi meree bhook ko samjhney'vala nahin hai kya?"
Oh please woman, you know what you are saying, *he* knows what you are saying and you know he knows what you are saying. If the plot line were irrelevant, you would see frames cut to a tree and a thunderstorm, y'know, do a little dance, get down tonight

-- Is it just me or is it the universe having a laugh that on newyork.citysearch.com, 'Delivery' category is right after the 'Date spot' category under 'Restaurants'?

-- The soundtrack from Forrest Gump isn't half bad

So, this is Zaphod's ADD brain under the influence. Next time, am just watching the movie!

Blind Eyes Wide Open

It’s odd this feeling. It’s new. I don’t like it.

I don’t know where I am headed. No, I really don’t. Look, it was school, then college, then job. Okay, I danced to the numbers on the floor. Don’t get me wrong, that was the plan and I was fortunate to have that instead of 11^th/12^th medicine, med school, become doctor or any variation thereof.

It was school (albeit, do well), college (whatever you want but do well), job (want to do well). But now what?

For all my dissecting, peeling away and general running around in this head of mine, what of it? I still don’t know what I ultimately want. So how do you move toward something you can’t see? Do you do the song and dance, the motions until it comes to you?

It’s like sucking on an empty bottle. And it’s the same desperation.

I met AB this past weekend. It was great catching up with her and we were up until 6 in the morning, me wine addled and her just talking about a lot of things I don’t quite want to get into right now. But the point where she started crying was when I told her it was okay to be selfish and do what she had to to be happy. Of course, for her the tears were at the thought of hurting someone else.

But…what if you don’t know what you want. What of the options you have, what weight do they hold?

Am I a freak or is this something normal?

I know I can get what I want, anything (okay not when it comes to people because you don’t get people, they let you)…but my point is, now where to?

Phooey

--------------------

Hahhahahahaha, okay 90 minutes later, I reread that and couldn't help feel angry and then realized something.

I was angry because I realized how pathetic and whiny that sounded. Realized I grew up. Doggone it. Fine, some things are hard no matter what, it's just a question of how you deal with them. All I had to do was change the song and walking the wet streets made me realize that fuck it, I know what I want. I just gotta grow a pair and do it. Looking back at what I have done and what I have been through, I can deal with this and worse.

I'm done being wishy-washy, overtly sensitive and bottled up. And I like being me. I wouldn't change a thing in my life and it's all okay.

Hmm, while I have a Peter Pan complex, there might be something to this growing up afterall.

This Song Does It To Me...

Zaphod Likes His Talkies

Wie ghets?!

So I am on my first ever Hitchcock trip. Yes, I know late in life and wag your finger at me all you like but I finished watching ‘The 39 Steps’ yesterday and before you can ask, I have seen the mandatory ‘Psycho’ and thanks to Mummy dearest saw it as a pre-teen leaving me rather worried about the fact that it was his mummy he kept around.

Right so there were a few things I noticed about the film. Remember the silent films, well in them everything was over the top from facial expressions to actions to compensate for a lack of sound. Then you ‘The 39 Steps’ where it isn’t quite like that but the dramatic element is kind of artistic but also obvious in its dramaticism. For instance, the woman tells the lead to look out the window. He walks up and you see the slats of the blinds across his face, he sidles up to the window and you see a frame showing his eyes looking out through the slats. Then you see two guys at the far end of the street in trench-coats with the streetlight dropping a near perfect circle of light on them. And that’s it, you can’t see anything else on the street, no other lights, no one else, no cars nothing.

Another thing I noticed about the movie is the lack of music except in the credits and the end of the movie (in a lot of old movies best b’loved, you would see the credits at the start of the film). Again, music was used in silent movies (okay not quite in them but you had a lackey off to the side either playing a record or hamming it up on the piano/organ) and in a lot of modern films as the score but its not there in this movie…at least I don’t recall there being any.

And another thing (!) modern movies, you kind of feel the suspense building up to the point. In this movie, it just is, turn your head and you missed it. Does it make for better viewing? Well, its ketchup (Koi mujhe please bata de maggie hot & sweet tomato chilli sauce mein different kya hai? It’s different…sorry a throw back from commercials as a kid). But yeah, it just is and I like it.

So now, am getting ‘North By Northwest’, ‘Rear Window’, ‘The Man Who Knew Too Much’, ‘To Catch a Thief’…am also downloading ‘Epic Movie’ but you wouldn’t hold that against Zaphod now would you?

(after inserting all the hyperlinks)
yeah so I just saw the entry for Epic Movie...Zaphod is no longer downloading it, I repeat, Zaphod is no longer downloading it

How Many Times Can You Loop A Song?

Fuzzy Machine

Welcome to the Machine

Days Go By

(Click on that little thumbnail thing and crank it up!)

Its been a 14 hour day. I spent 13 hours entering numbers in to a spreadsheet. I can't be bored, it drives me insane. Which is why I can't be cooped in for too long. Which is why I like having people around to deconstruct. So asking me to do something like that drives me insane. And I can't even be mechanical because it has to be perfect.

And then you step in to the cold, the unfamiliar cold freezing your hands until you cant feel them and the hand brushing your face doesn't feel familiar. And the song comes on. And for a flash there you feel part of a cliched but apt video - standing at an avenue while everything speeds up, the sun rises and sets, the people milling about hurried up until you feel as old and as still as the trees.

You wonder where time and life are going while you are still standing. This life is getting stale and it is time to rock the boat, no, jump ship and fall in to the wanderlust, the time to step out and find out what makes you happy and say fuck and reach out in to the unknown. Feel the incredibly liberating feeling of falling and knowing that come what may, you have learned to fly before hitting the ground so many times before that you know what, it doesn't scare you any more. So what's to stop you?
The most terrifying feeling right now is having every option to be any where I want to be and do anything I want to. Now it's a question of picking what I want. And I want home. I want the social environment I miss so much here. I want the noise and option of dropping by or meeting up for a drink. Fuck it, it scares the living day lights, but each day, I want it more and more to the point that I know exactly what to tell my folks and I know that if someone asked me why I was looking for a job in India, what exactly to say, every reason well thought out and if I have spent several months thinking about it, it just gets clearer and clearer.
I've flown and fallen a stranger in a strange land. How much worse can anything ever get? I've had loved ones sick, I've been broken hearted, I've been miserably sick, I've been broke. And I know I will never quit no matter how mucky it gets...always have and always will...bounce right back



So don't sit back and watch the days go by
Are you ever gonna live before you die
And when things fall apart
The world has come undone
Leave it all behind

PS: I dont know what the video is, fuck I haven't even seen it myself, it's as always, the song that counts but click on it!

Steppenwolf

Oh to walk the night of the First Ages
I had that line echoing in my head from a quick nap I took. Sometimes it's the best defense there is, the best way to flatline again, the best way to escape the Steppenwolf.

The Man goes through the motions, logical in every step, fatalistic about the probable outcomes, treating life as a sparring partner, ducking, weaving the low blows, blocking the high ones.
But once in a while the Wolf part wants, demands to be let loose, to feel every muscle tense up and threaten to burst out the seam, find something real and physical to press against, to push back and win. It makes you want to bare your teeth and growl at the moon and roar at it, sink its teeth in to something. It makes you want to swing wildly and let out this pent up energy.
I think I am just light headed from the gym and pushing my body.
But the Wolf is the seat of wild-eyed ambition, of bitterness and satisfaction from standing alone, the creative side, the one that walks the street, looking at shadows, the other side of being. It's the defense mechanism, the anger that steps from hurt. It's the schadenfreude. Its the one that preserves its own life and creates a hard shell and snaps and bites until its prodded no more and flat lines.
But the Man keeps that Wolf in check. The Man needs company of others, and wants others like him around. He keeps the Wolf in check because he exists and he can not if the Wolf side takes over.
The Wolf side needs the Man side to exist else he would be all Wolf.
Its the Wolf in the Man that brings that air of isolation and of bewilderment at manipulation and grief caused for no obvious purpose and wonderment at the lack of defense in Man and its the Man in the Wolf that keeps him from baring his teeth, confused by the air of isolation.

I think every person has both sides but one dominates over the other. There is inequality in everything, every relationship. But what happens when each side is at odds and is equally heard. Can both be indulged from time to time? A third version seems to emerge that is the vulnerable of the two and then subsequently a fourth that is the protective shell of the two.

Relationships seem to go in waves, following the Man/Wolf pattern too. Both seem to be attracted to the other. One seems flatline while the other seems passionate. Then things settle in. But then the Man speaks in one and wants something more. If the other is still flatline and interested but comfortable, then you have issues. But then again, perhaps I am one of those lousy morons who deliberately shakes the boat to wake up one side.

In any event, both Sides find the alienation from friends odd at times and confused.

I'm just light headed from going to the gym. Perhaps in a few days, everything I have written will read as pure bullshit. I don't know. This post was just written and the keys are still warm.

Epiphany

Wow so Bobo calls me up while at dinner with Vodka and apart from asking for advice gives the me crux which is dating Vodka and knowing every day what he is up to but not knowing him
The Ex and I had the same argument once.
With someone else right now, I am definitely avoiding doing the so what's been up in your day and making a genuine attempt to open up and let someone in.

I think just in general, its harder for guys to do that. Perhaps, if they see potential in something then they open up naturally. Of course, the more jaded they are, the harder it is. Or if they are completely in love with the person regardless of the outcome.

I don't understand it tho. I mean for some reason, i need to trust the person to some degree to not judge and also that they can perhaps to some degree relate. That naturally makes me want to open up. That and of course, feeling that the person cares. I wouldn't want to open up to someone who couldn't give a rats ass.

So here's what I am thinking. With the girl, i have to open up for the simple reason that apart from a natural compulsion (because I like to), she wants to get to know me. Great.
But there are times I think that we aren't anything. So why would she care? There are times I need to see she cares to some small degree because I feel like an idiot for opening up to someone who couldn't give a rats. I know this is extreme but I never want to be the forced guest just as much as I don't want to be the sap who opens up to someone who doesn't really give two hoots. While I know this isn't the case, I still would like to know that it makes a difference. Yes, I can be very demanding, especially emotionally but I think after opening up to a few people just to find out they couldn't be bothered, you can either close your self up or if you must open up, then know the other person likes what they see or care enough to make sure you keep opening up.

I think over the past week or more, I felt that perhaps I was being stupid in opening up and needed to know it still made a difference if I opened up or not and failing to get that, went looking for the reassurance that yes, I wasn't being paranoid or making an ass of myself. So, I did get clingy (feel so gross about that) but I am glad I had an epiphany and was able to vocalize it. Of course, it may be too little too late but at least I understand ...

Meeting the Cobblestones

"i dont want to do this
im sorry"

Been here, done that

I think i suddenly found myself in a familiar role and that broke the camels back. Well...tough.

I think I made one significant demand i.e. time when she was busy and I think that's something only a better half can do, so somehow I ended up in a role I shouldnt have been in.


Anyway, it's at times like this I'm glad for the fatalist.

I guess I did demand time to talk because it's the only way to get to know someone. Of course, conversations are best carried out at a leisurely place. But then again, the refrain 'I don't know you' coupled with perhaps an implicit time line forced me to react. It seems all a bit unnatural or at the very least unfamiliar. So, I guess between hearing how well her Ex and her best friend know her (but then its been 6 years) and how little she knows me, I wanted to talk to get her to know and understand me. But on the hand, that leads to inevitable (?) over crowding so I guess friction was avoidable.

Well we'll see.

Goodbye
XXX

24 eh?

(deep breath)
Right. Been a bit eh? No, I don’t mean time wise, just going on’s wise. I don’t like the idea of linear time. It isn’t…appropriate, it’s disproportionate. I mean at 21 I felt a lot older than well, 21. And anyway, Zaphod turned 24 on the 1st. And I remember as a kid of 17, I decided that’s the age I grow up. No more one liners that make the Squirt roll her eyes so to speak or drinking binges or stupidity.
Fuck that eh? I’m going to be an idiot for the rest of my life and still be full of witty one liners at 40 (yes, yes I can think of a few eye brows arcing at my liberal use of the word ‘witty’ but I was voted Mr. Witty in class 9 and got a certificate to prove it)

But um, yeah so, (look around, kick a can on the ground) 24. Don’t feel different. (think) nope, no brilliant flashes of inspiration. So what’s this growing up deal about?
Yeah, problems do change, at 17 what to buy the Ex, at 24, what makes me happy and time to act on it.
It’s not linear time that makes you older and wiser. The wiser you get, the older you get. The more you let yourself get knocked around, voluntarily or involuntarily, the more you grow up. The more you put it on the line, the more you know. The more you throw yourself into different experiences, the more you touch, see, smell, feel and feel so much, the more lines get drawn. Wouldn’t want to be a blank page at the end of my life.
Da Vinci used to draw furiously on the same page over and over until it became one black lead lines mess where well, you couldn’t see anything. But because he made the lines, he saw his final work in them. I like that. You can either play it safe and keep another mark off the paper, but then again, that mark could be the defining line. And in the end you want to look at the sheet and smile and see so many things in it. A beautiful mess no? There are so many people I know who have such sheltered lives. They don’t leave any place because it’s all they know. Fuck traveling, just thinking and taking chances. Its safe, its warm, its boring. Its like drawing with a stencil.
But yes, I think while I see what the drawing is, I would like someone who lets me show them what I see, someone who can see part the superfluous lines to the work that it is shaping up to be.
Fuck, I sound like a DIY project. But then again, it is my life.

I tend to go a step further. Not only do I let the line be drawn but have to figure out why it is the way it is, how it changes everything and nothing at all and would the final piece be what it is without that line?

You drink too much bourbon and coke. The next day between jackhammers in your head and cotton mouth, you still smell it in the coke. But it does go. I have had that awful smell lingering for many months now but I think it’s gone. Sorry, was mulling over the fact that the Ex didn’t wish me. Oh but the Squirt sent me a delightful card which I would like to link to if she says its okay. Incidentally, it’s her birthday tomorrow.
Got the little girl the latest Post Secret book, the DVD for yes, judge all you want but Audrey Hepburn got me, ‘Roman Holiday’ and ‘Amores Perros’, my old webcam, and two MP3 CD’s. But they were the songs I really liked and about 10% of my collection. But I did want to write to her about each song, why I liked it and the memory associated with each one. Course, I ran out of time but still. Figured the book was good because it was one of the first things I noticed on her blog. Roman Holiday is my pick and her’s Amores Perros. Music because I do love her taste and am glad for it since music is a big deal to me and the Ex was never really into it. And it’s important to me. Very
Oh oh oh!! Zaphod going to see the Killers at Madison Square Garden baby!!

Anyway, I’ve been very hermetic the past few weekends and tonight well, going to Paradou. Lets see how it is

Hmm, so much I want to write but the moment passes given I have been busting my hump. More this weekend when I finally don’t have to work!!

I Got Bored

You Are A Martini

You are the kind of drinker who appreciates a nice hard drink. And for you, only quality alcohol. You don't waste your time on the cheap stuff. Obviously, you're usually found with a martini in your hand. But sometimes you mix it up with a gin and tonic. And you'd never, ever consider one of those flavored martinis. They're hardly a drink!

What Alcoholic Drink Are You?

You Are Somewhat Machiavellian

You're not going to mow over everyone to get ahead... But you're also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself. You understand how the world works, even when it's an ugly place. You just don't get ugly yourself - unless you have to!

How Machiavellian Are You?

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will have a few true loves. Although you may have been hurt before, you tend to bring very little scars into new relationships. It's important to you that your lover is very attractive. You like to have someone to show off. In fights, you love to debate and defend yourself. You logic prevails - or at least you'd like to think so. A break-up usually comes as a shock to you. You always think things are going well.

Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed

Your SAT Score of xxxx Means:

You Scored Higher Than Howard Stern You Scored Higher Than George W. Bush You Scored Higher Than Al Gore You Scored Higher Than David Duchovny You Scored Higher Than Natalie Portman You Scored Lower Than Bill Gates Your IQ is most likely in the 140-150 range Equivalent ACT score: 34 Schools that Fit Your SAT Score: California Institute of Technology Stanford University Princeton University Yale University Harvard University

What Does Your SAT Score Mean?