Marine Drive in Bombay
Marine Drive in Bombay
In Khotachiwadi, Bombay
In Khotachiwadi, Bombay
(Love the art deco font)
Khotachiwadi, Bombay. Apt given the city.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
The Last Smoke
He slid the door back and the sound, while dull, hit him with its unfamiliarity. He looked out and as his eyes moved down the sky, past the clear blues, he saw its white crest hurtling toward his. Furious white furrows skimmed over the surface, like horses branching out from the main tidal wave, rearing their head forward, falling down as new ones took their place. The water was an angry white.
He heard the screams of the people on the beach as they ran from wave, Hokusai almost had it right. The ocean wasn't undulating across its length and breath. It was as though the horizon had been lined with white and was moving closer and close, bigger and faster. It was this line of white that was so massive it seemed almost still. It was only when he saw its crest getting taller and the horse heads getting sharper did his senses tell him it was moving closer. That and the sound.
"I am going to die", he thought to himself.
"You can either panic or you can dissolve into acceptance and realize nothing can ever change this moment"
"You will die"
"Right". For the first time, things seemed clear. There was no place to go with this realization. It was in it self. It was. There was no A to B. A was A. It was an immutable fact, one moving closer by the second with the power to rips, shred, destroy and obliterate everything around him. Everything around him would cease to be. Everything around him was transient.
He rested his hand on the wooden railing of the balcony. He felt the smooth, beveled edges and realized that some factory some where had set its machines on a tree cut and brought from somewhere else. The tree had grown from a seed. But in under a minute, it would cease to be. It would remain wood, but it would cease to be a railing. Would it cease to exist if it lost its form and function? No, it would still be wood. That was immutable. Bigger, smaller, functional, drift wood, wood was wood. A was A.
A was always A.
He looked up and his eyes gave the slightest of starts, they understood the passage of time, they saw the crest, bigger, taller, nearer. And it wasn't a happy realization of the passage of the time, not the kind when you see a child all grown up and realize the years have gone by. No, no that kind, more so a man who hasn't been near a mirror in years and realizes that his time is up.
But that thought lasted a fraction of a second. After all, thoughts too are transient and rise and fall like waves on the ocean. But then there was this thought, as unflinching and as immutable as the concrete wall of water.
A is A?
Water that wraps itself around you can shred every bit of flesh and rip you in half. Water is always water. And you will die.
He was fine with that. In the span of a few seconds, he made peace with it. There was no point dwelling on the unspoken conversations, the missed connections. They would continue to be, just, without him. As the water and the world would continue to be, just, without him
You are going to die.
All he wanted now was one last cigarette. Now, not the kind the man in front of the execution squad wants. Just the one who has the best seats in the house to the biggest show in his life, the closest he will get to the stage. he has always had an immaculate sense of timing, of finishing the last bite as the TV show ends, of the right amount of juice to compliment his last bite, an exact sense of work to be accomplished in time to go out.
He wants to finish his cigarette. It's not the most important thing in the world. But he wants to. At this moment, nothing matters to him but the time before he dies and the time before the cigarette is stubbed out. By him.
It is in this moment that all sense of control is stripped away from him. Control is an illusion, the sense of calm and making peace? an illusion. A way of reigning in emotions, the panic and the flight instinct. It is the last bastion of humanity in his head, the illusory sense of control. He wants to finish that cigarette. *HE* wants to finish it.
He looks at the ocean and notices how it seems to plough through it self. He looks at this fingers, holding the cigarette and takes another tentative puff. He can't hurry himself. No. He decides. The wave looms over him. It is in that very moment that he realizes he can not finish it and panic sets in. There was no control.
The roar is deafening. A is A. Even if it is drift wood. Even if he is no more.
With clenched fists and white knuckles, he looks at the cigarette. "I got it wrong"
He heard the screams of the people on the beach as they ran from wave, Hokusai almost had it right. The ocean wasn't undulating across its length and breath. It was as though the horizon had been lined with white and was moving closer and close, bigger and faster. It was this line of white that was so massive it seemed almost still. It was only when he saw its crest getting taller and the horse heads getting sharper did his senses tell him it was moving closer. That and the sound.
"I am going to die", he thought to himself.
"You can either panic or you can dissolve into acceptance and realize nothing can ever change this moment"
"You will die"
"Right". For the first time, things seemed clear. There was no place to go with this realization. It was in it self. It was. There was no A to B. A was A. It was an immutable fact, one moving closer by the second with the power to rips, shred, destroy and obliterate everything around him. Everything around him would cease to be. Everything around him was transient.
He rested his hand on the wooden railing of the balcony. He felt the smooth, beveled edges and realized that some factory some where had set its machines on a tree cut and brought from somewhere else. The tree had grown from a seed. But in under a minute, it would cease to be. It would remain wood, but it would cease to be a railing. Would it cease to exist if it lost its form and function? No, it would still be wood. That was immutable. Bigger, smaller, functional, drift wood, wood was wood. A was A.
A was always A.
He looked up and his eyes gave the slightest of starts, they understood the passage of time, they saw the crest, bigger, taller, nearer. And it wasn't a happy realization of the passage of the time, not the kind when you see a child all grown up and realize the years have gone by. No, no that kind, more so a man who hasn't been near a mirror in years and realizes that his time is up.
But that thought lasted a fraction of a second. After all, thoughts too are transient and rise and fall like waves on the ocean. But then there was this thought, as unflinching and as immutable as the concrete wall of water.
A is A?
Water that wraps itself around you can shred every bit of flesh and rip you in half. Water is always water. And you will die.
He was fine with that. In the span of a few seconds, he made peace with it. There was no point dwelling on the unspoken conversations, the missed connections. They would continue to be, just, without him. As the water and the world would continue to be, just, without him
You are going to die.
All he wanted now was one last cigarette. Now, not the kind the man in front of the execution squad wants. Just the one who has the best seats in the house to the biggest show in his life, the closest he will get to the stage. he has always had an immaculate sense of timing, of finishing the last bite as the TV show ends, of the right amount of juice to compliment his last bite, an exact sense of work to be accomplished in time to go out.
He wants to finish his cigarette. It's not the most important thing in the world. But he wants to. At this moment, nothing matters to him but the time before he dies and the time before the cigarette is stubbed out. By him.
It is in this moment that all sense of control is stripped away from him. Control is an illusion, the sense of calm and making peace? an illusion. A way of reigning in emotions, the panic and the flight instinct. It is the last bastion of humanity in his head, the illusory sense of control. He wants to finish that cigarette. *HE* wants to finish it.
He looks at the ocean and notices how it seems to plough through it self. He looks at this fingers, holding the cigarette and takes another tentative puff. He can't hurry himself. No. He decides. The wave looms over him. It is in that very moment that he realizes he can not finish it and panic sets in. There was no control.
The roar is deafening. A is A. Even if it is drift wood. Even if he is no more.
With clenched fists and white knuckles, he looks at the cigarette. "I got it wrong"
The Last Smoke
He slid the door back and the sound, while dull, hit him with its unfamiliarity. He looked out and as his eyes moved down the sky, past the clear blues, he saw its white crest hurtling toward his. Furious white furrows skimmed over the surface, like horses branching out from the main tidal wave, rearing their head forward, falling down as new ones took their place. The water was an angry white.
He heard the screams of the people on the beach as they ran from wave, Hokusai almost had it right. The ocean wasn't undulating across its length and breath. It was as though the horizon had been lined with white and was moving closer and close, bigger and faster. It was this line of white that was so massive it seemed almost still. It was only when he saw its crest getting taller and the horse heads getting sharper did his senses tell him it was moving closer. That and the sound.
"I am going to die", he thought to himself.
"You can either panic or you can dissolve into acceptance and realize nothing can ever change this moment"
"You will die"
"Right". For the first time, things seemed clear. There was no place to go with this realization. It was in it self. It was. There was no A to B. A was A. It was an immutable fact, one moving closer by the second with the power to rips, shred, destroy and obliterate everything around him. Everything around him would cease to be. Everything around him was transient.
He rested his hand on the wooden railing of the balcony. He felt the smooth, beveled edges and realized that some factory some where had set its machines on a tree cut and brought from somewhere else. The tree had grown from a seed. But in under a minute, it would cease to be. It would remain wood, but it would cease to be a railing. Would it cease to exist if it lost its form and function? No, it would still be wood. That was immutable. Bigger, smaller, functional, drift wood, wood was wood. A was A.
A was always A.
He looked up and his eyes gave the slightest of starts, they understood the passage of time, they saw the crest, bigger, taller, nearer. And it wasn't a happy realization of the passage of the time, not the kind when you see a child all grown up and realize the years have gone by. No, no that kind, more so a man who hasn't been near a mirror in years and realizes that his time is up.
But that thought lasted a fraction of a second. After all, thoughts too are transient and rise and fall like waves on the ocean. But then there was this thought, as unflinching and as immutable as the concrete wall of water.
A is A?
Water that wraps itself around you can shred every bit of flesh and rip you in half. Water is always water. And you will die.
He was fine with that. In the span of a few seconds, he made peace with it. There was no point dwelling on the unspoken conversations, the missed connections. They would continue to be, just, without him. As the water and the world would continue to be, just, without him
You are going to die.
All he wanted now was one last cigarette. Now, not the kind the man in front of the execution squad wants. Just the one who has the best seats in the house to the biggest show in his life, the closest he will get to the stage. he has always had an immaculate sense of timing, of finishing the last bite as the TV show ends, of the right amount of juice to compliment his last bite, an exact sense of work to be accomplished in time to go out.
He wants to finish his cigarette. It's not the most important thing in the world. But he wants to. At this moment, nothing matters to him but the time before he dies and the time before the cigarette is stubbed out. By him.
It is in this moment that all sense of control is stripped away from him. Control is an illusion, the sense of calm and making peace? an illusion. A way of reigning in emotions, the panic and the flight instinct. It is the last bastion of humanity in his head, the illusory sense of control. He wants to finish that cigarette. *HE* wants to finish it.
He looks at the ocean and notices how it seems to plough through it self. He looks at this fingers, holding the cigarette and takes another tentative puff. He can't hurry himself. No. He decides. The wave looms over him. It is in that very moment that he realizes he can not finish it and panic sets in. There was no control.
The roar is deafening. A is A. Even if it is drift wood. Even if he is no more.
With clenched fists and white knuckles, he looks at the cigarette. "I got it wrong"
He heard the screams of the people on the beach as they ran from wave, Hokusai almost had it right. The ocean wasn't undulating across its length and breath. It was as though the horizon had been lined with white and was moving closer and close, bigger and faster. It was this line of white that was so massive it seemed almost still. It was only when he saw its crest getting taller and the horse heads getting sharper did his senses tell him it was moving closer. That and the sound.
"I am going to die", he thought to himself.
"You can either panic or you can dissolve into acceptance and realize nothing can ever change this moment"
"You will die"
"Right". For the first time, things seemed clear. There was no place to go with this realization. It was in it self. It was. There was no A to B. A was A. It was an immutable fact, one moving closer by the second with the power to rips, shred, destroy and obliterate everything around him. Everything around him would cease to be. Everything around him was transient.
He rested his hand on the wooden railing of the balcony. He felt the smooth, beveled edges and realized that some factory some where had set its machines on a tree cut and brought from somewhere else. The tree had grown from a seed. But in under a minute, it would cease to be. It would remain wood, but it would cease to be a railing. Would it cease to exist if it lost its form and function? No, it would still be wood. That was immutable. Bigger, smaller, functional, drift wood, wood was wood. A was A.
A was always A.
He looked up and his eyes gave the slightest of starts, they understood the passage of time, they saw the crest, bigger, taller, nearer. And it wasn't a happy realization of the passage of the time, not the kind when you see a child all grown up and realize the years have gone by. No, no that kind, more so a man who hasn't been near a mirror in years and realizes that his time is up.
But that thought lasted a fraction of a second. After all, thoughts too are transient and rise and fall like waves on the ocean. But then there was this thought, as unflinching and as immutable as the concrete wall of water.
A is A?
Water that wraps itself around you can shred every bit of flesh and rip you in half. Water is always water. And you will die.
He was fine with that. In the span of a few seconds, he made peace with it. There was no point dwelling on the unspoken conversations, the missed connections. They would continue to be, just, without him. As the water and the world would continue to be, just, without him
You are going to die.
All he wanted now was one last cigarette. Now, not the kind the man in front of the execution squad wants. Just the one who has the best seats in the house to the biggest show in his life, the closest he will get to the stage. he has always had an immaculate sense of timing, of finishing the last bite as the TV show ends, of the right amount of juice to compliment his last bite, an exact sense of work to be accomplished in time to go out.
He wants to finish his cigarette. It's not the most important thing in the world. But he wants to. At this moment, nothing matters to him but the time before he dies and the time before the cigarette is stubbed out. By him.
It is in this moment that all sense of control is stripped away from him. Control is an illusion, the sense of calm and making peace? an illusion. A way of reigning in emotions, the panic and the flight instinct. It is the last bastion of humanity in his head, the illusory sense of control. He wants to finish that cigarette. *HE* wants to finish it.
He looks at the ocean and notices how it seems to plough through it self. He looks at this fingers, holding the cigarette and takes another tentative puff. He can't hurry himself. No. He decides. The wave looms over him. It is in that very moment that he realizes he can not finish it and panic sets in. There was no control.
The roar is deafening. A is A. Even if it is drift wood. Even if he is no more.
With clenched fists and white knuckles, he looks at the cigarette. "I got it wrong"
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Seattle Cats
Katjie has a rather large purring engine, loves to play with the little plastic band that holds the cap on the milk bottle and had nose cancer. Also, she has a face that makes you want to squish her but sadly, she is not a dog.
Ollie is a one eyed yoga master. I'd pun about the Downward Facing Dog posture but then I'd have to smack myself in the face
Me footling around with light. One of the biggest throwaways from the photography class was that contrast isn't a function of color, black color isnt darker than white in a b/w picture, it's a question of the amount of light. I guess it seems obvious now, but hard to see the world in shades of darkness when there's so much color around.
Back in the Other City
I went to Sri Nagar in between. I haven't written because I didnt feel like it and dealt with hmm, KLM canceling my flight, not telling me, rerouting me through Detroit, rebooking me, traveling with two trolleys through JFK, using the new Air India flight non stop, no smoking, reaching Delhi, going to Sri Nagar, getting an infected sinus (snot like the Styx believe it or not), reaching Delhi, installing self.
So far, just trying to reassemble life. Went for golf, dropped Mum to work, went to Nehru Place in 45 C heat, fixed the internet, fixed the TV, fixed Airtel to instal internet, fixed for guy to come fix shower pump.
Good heavens, I'm tired.
But now for one picture a day. Or at least an attempt at. If any one has suggestions re: what I can do with these pictures to get something concrete on my resume, let me know.
Nothing intelligent at the moment. Most sleepy
But. If you are in Delhi, mail, I'd love to meet bloggers!
So far, just trying to reassemble life. Went for golf, dropped Mum to work, went to Nehru Place in 45 C heat, fixed the internet, fixed the TV, fixed Airtel to instal internet, fixed for guy to come fix shower pump.
Good heavens, I'm tired.
But now for one picture a day. Or at least an attempt at. If any one has suggestions re: what I can do with these pictures to get something concrete on my resume, let me know.
Nothing intelligent at the moment. Most sleepy
But. If you are in Delhi, mail, I'd love to meet bloggers!
Monday, April 07, 2008
Oh Dear
10 Irrational Thoughts Rational People Often Think
Irrational thoughts occasionally occur in the minds of all people. Intelligence does not make someone immune to irrational thought. These thoughts typically clutter our minds with feelings of resentment and distaste. Sometimes they are based on internal defense mechanisms we develop to mitigate personal anger in an attempt to avoid facing the truth about ourselves or our immediate circumstances. If someone imposes stringent expectations related to a stressful issue on themselves or their close companions, irrational thought is likely to set in, and all parties involved will probably experience needless emotional grief.
Passionate perceptions of an event made by someone in distress can seem crazy from a third party perspective. This craziness is simply the sum of stress and irrational thought. These thoughts allow the distressed party to remain the victim while avoiding all situational responsibility. One must learn to break this momentary negative thought process in order to achieve continuous stability in their life and in their relationships.
Here are 10 irrational thoughts that rational people often fall victim to at one point or another:
- Mistakes are never acceptable. If I make one, it means that I am incompetent.
- When somebody disagrees with me, it is a personal attack against me.
- To be content in life, I must be liked by all people.
- My true value as an individual depends on what others people think of me.
- If I am not involved in an intimate relationship, I am completely alone.
- There is no grey area. Success is black and failure is white.
- Nothing ever turns out the way you want it to.
- If the outcome was not perfect, it was a complete failure.
- I am in absolute control of my life. If something bad happens, it is my fault.
- The past always repeats itself. If it was true then, it must be true now.
Your life will be more productive if you learn to avoid this type of negative thinking.
Source: http://www.marcandangel.com/2007/06/06/10-irrational-thoughts-that-rational-people-often-think/
Sunday, April 06, 2008
To Read
10 Things We All Must Figure Out for Ourselves
Learning is merely a component of life, like the limbs of the human body. We can learn a lot from others, but some things in life must be experienced to be truly understood. Below you will find a list of 10 such things, the things we all must figure out for ourselves.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things
you cannot learn any other way.
- Mark Twain
- Love – There is no official guide for falling in love, falling out of love, or dealing with the emotional intricacies of love. Love cannot be taught and it certainly cannot be forced. Love is an instinctual feeling, a powerful sentiment, one we will all find under different circumstances and must each figure out for ourselves.
- Friendship – Some personalities simply click and others clash. Just like love, friendship is a natural process that cannot be forced. Other people can select our acquaintances for us, but over time we will find true friendship on our own. When the conversations are comfortable and relaxed and a mutual feeling of trust is apparent, true friendship has been found.
- Loss – At some point each one of us will experience a loss in life. It could be the death of a loved one, the devastation of personal belongings, or a vicious rejection in our career. Each of us is going to naturally deal with loss in our own unique manner, some taking more time to reflect on it than others. While suggestions can be made, we must figure it out for ourselves, morn if necessary, and move on when we are ready.
- The Short vs. Long Catch-22 – There is a paradox found in various situations where we must choose between short-term and long-term fulfillment. It governs the path we take concerning our aspirations, desires, and available opportunities. Things that seem positive in the short-term can turn sour in the long-term. Likewise, disciplined efforts to meet long-term objectives can lead to a more dull short-term existence. People can try to advise us in specific situations, but we must ultimately figure out how to manage this catch-22 for ourselves across the broad scope of our lives.
- Self-Forgiveness – We all make mistakes. It is an inevitable element of being alive. Since we are undoubtedly our own toughest critic, we sometimes inflict unnecessary self-guilt on our conscious for certain actions we did or did not take. This typically hinders our productivity and happiness. Many self-help instructors attempt to teach self-forgiveness, but every circumstance and individual is slightly different than the next. Experience is the key. General experience in dealing with the process of trial and error across various life circumstances is really what increases our comfort level with making mistakes.
- Life Balance – Living a healthy, rewarding life involves the simple art of balance. We must balance risk vs. reward, family and friends vs. career goals, quantity vs. quality… the list could continue indefinitely. Over time, and with enough experience, we will be able to evaluate any situation, decipher the boundary extremes and find a happy, healthy medium between these extremes.
- Responsibility and Independence – Responsibility is not a quality instinctually instilled in all human beings. Some of us have to work really hard at leading a responsible life. The key is to realize that it is okay to assist someone, but the full burden of a responsibility should never be taken away from its owner. If it is, the owner will never learn, thus becoming forever dependant on others. Cause and effect is the ultimate guide to responsibility. “If I don’t get a job, I won’t have money to buy food.” Our success with responsibility will eventually lead to complete independence.
- Character Identity – “Who am I?” We all have to figure this out for ourselves. Character identity is incredibly difficult to define. We all have ideas in our minds of who we are, who we want to become, or how we want to live. The single greatest gift a human being possesses is free will… our ability to think, make choices, and take action with the decisions we make. These decisions eventually mold the person we are, our character identity.
- Betrayal – Dealing with betrayal usually sends a person on an emotional rollercoaster ride. There is no practical way of preparing for it because every act of betrayal contains a different set of variables. When it happens, we are usually left asking a series of questions. Why? Is there another side to the story? Can we work through this? These are questions only the people involved can answer and deal with.
- Happiness and Success – As I stated in my last post, happiness is doing what you love, and success is excelling at doing what you love. Nobody else can tell us how to be happy or what to love. As we progress through life we uncover these mysteries on our own. Once we have happiness figured out we can map out a course for achieving our own personalized version of success.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Shiny Shiny Stuff
Why is it the books now days, and I don't mean drivel, yes being judgmental but I don't consider Jeffrey Archer a book, it's a novel. So by books these days, well they seemed more adult versions of what kids read in college. Again, I refer to those who read "for pleasure" as one agog girl put it at BC. Anyway, these books have more of a plasticy patent feel to them than the smell of those old books, the smell I like so much.
I want to read those books which stick.
Same can be said for music. Bands seem to come with a shiny cling wrap feel to them, rather than the grittier feel of Led Zepp at Knebworth
I know I really sound like those guys I used to meet at the steps of the college canteen but to be fair, I did give music its place in scheme of things.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Random Drivel
Polar bears can run at 30mph
You can't out run them
So you always want to encounter them with a friend
Then, you don't need to outrun them, just your friend
Ikea has no windows. It's so that you have no idea of the time you have spent in there
The kiwi has the shortest bill of any bird. Technically, you measure the bill from the top to the nose. Since the bird has its nostrils at the tip, it has the shortest nose
Friday, March 21, 2008
You Have *Got* To Get This!
PicLens is brilliant. It just is and I've been dying for a script like this
Monday, March 17, 2008
Ten Feet Deep
I am quite terrified at the moment. So I worked hard to get where I am, work at a hedge fund, do well and make some money. Great. Now I am throwing it apparently or so it seems right now to move to India without a job (Why? Because I don’t have an MBA so they can’t hire me) to try and find a job in microfinance for a while applying to business school.
Also, given the economy, b-school will be very competitive next year. So I have to apply to LBS, INSEAD, IIM and ISB as well in addition to the US Schools. And not just the first picks but the safeties as well.
I feel utterly fucked right now and I hate this feeling. It makes me nauseous, throwing away the familiar for the unknown, wondering if I am making a mistake that will last two years or so. I know I can work my ass off but it’s trying to find the opportunity.
I am leaving a city I know for one that has changed or one which is completely unfamiliar, a job that I was so happy with in the past for nothingness and a visa that keeps me away from the US unless I get into business school.
I just wish I could find some reassurance that I am doing the right thing, that things will work out, that I will be able to make something of this, that I will find work with a good microfinance place, I will study for the GMAT, get all the help I can on essays, get good reccomendations and next August be back in the US for business school, and then take things from there.
Instead, it’s that same feeling as holding on to the sluice at the deep end of the pool, when you look down, you just see your legs and can’t make out the bottom, that split second before your fingers let go and you start paddling, knowing that nothing can go wrong, that you know how to swim but unable to shake that nagging feeling that something will reach from below and pull you under and you wont be able to keep your nose above the surface.
Its…the kind of feeling that leaves you with an aching jaw at clenching too tight in your sleep, with the covers on the ground since you kicked them off, of looking in your face and trying to find the answers, searching every part of your mind to find a way out, to find a calm voice telling you not to worry and that it will be fine and not hearing anything back, finding meaning and something to hold on to and some kind of support, heck anything
Then again, as my father put it, he moved to India in his thirties without a job, a family and two kids and he still managed to make something of it.
I suppose I need to find my own strength and just snap out of this funk myself. I guess I’m in this situation partly to realize I can make something of an opportunity, to know that I can still get to where I want to be and allow for fluid plans and that I can handle this on my own
I suppose everything happens for a reason.
Or maybe that’s just what they tell you
Either ways, if anyone knows of microfinance opportunities in India, I have a great guy who, if nothing else, knows how to work his butt off and yeah, is crazy about learning as much as possible
Also, given the economy, b-school will be very competitive next year. So I have to apply to LBS, INSEAD, IIM and ISB as well in addition to the US Schools. And not just the first picks but the safeties as well.
I feel utterly fucked right now and I hate this feeling. It makes me nauseous, throwing away the familiar for the unknown, wondering if I am making a mistake that will last two years or so. I know I can work my ass off but it’s trying to find the opportunity.
I am leaving a city I know for one that has changed or one which is completely unfamiliar, a job that I was so happy with in the past for nothingness and a visa that keeps me away from the US unless I get into business school.
I just wish I could find some reassurance that I am doing the right thing, that things will work out, that I will be able to make something of this, that I will find work with a good microfinance place, I will study for the GMAT, get all the help I can on essays, get good reccomendations and next August be back in the US for business school, and then take things from there.
Instead, it’s that same feeling as holding on to the sluice at the deep end of the pool, when you look down, you just see your legs and can’t make out the bottom, that split second before your fingers let go and you start paddling, knowing that nothing can go wrong, that you know how to swim but unable to shake that nagging feeling that something will reach from below and pull you under and you wont be able to keep your nose above the surface.
Its…the kind of feeling that leaves you with an aching jaw at clenching too tight in your sleep, with the covers on the ground since you kicked them off, of looking in your face and trying to find the answers, searching every part of your mind to find a way out, to find a calm voice telling you not to worry and that it will be fine and not hearing anything back, finding meaning and something to hold on to and some kind of support, heck anything
Then again, as my father put it, he moved to India in his thirties without a job, a family and two kids and he still managed to make something of it.
I suppose I need to find my own strength and just snap out of this funk myself. I guess I’m in this situation partly to realize I can make something of an opportunity, to know that I can still get to where I want to be and allow for fluid plans and that I can handle this on my own
I suppose everything happens for a reason.
Or maybe that’s just what they tell you
Either ways, if anyone knows of microfinance opportunities in India, I have a great guy who, if nothing else, knows how to work his butt off and yeah, is crazy about learning as much as possible
"The Just"
-- Jorge Luis Borges
A man who cultivates his garden, as Voltaire wished.
He who is grateful for the existence of music.
He who takes pleasure in tracing an etymology.
Two workmen playing, in a cafe in the South, a silent game of chess.
The potter, contemplating a color and a form.
The typographer who sets this page well, though it may not please him.
A woman and a man, who read the last tercets of a certain canto.
He who strokes a sleeping animal.
He who justifies, or wishes to, a wrong done him.
He who is grateful for the existence of Stevenson.
He who prefers others to be right.
These people, unaware, are saving the world
-- Jorge Luis Borges
A man who cultivates his garden, as Voltaire wished.
He who is grateful for the existence of music.
He who takes pleasure in tracing an etymology.
Two workmen playing, in a cafe in the South, a silent game of chess.
The potter, contemplating a color and a form.
The typographer who sets this page well, though it may not please him.
A woman and a man, who read the last tercets of a certain canto.
He who strokes a sleeping animal.
He who justifies, or wishes to, a wrong done him.
He who is grateful for the existence of Stevenson.
He who prefers others to be right.
These people, unaware, are saving the world
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Chasing Dragons
“Here be dragons” wrote the old pirate captain in a rather well worn book I read as a kid.
Or so I imagine. In a show of bravado and the desire to be ever the fearless one to his men, to feign knowledge of the remaining unknown, to conquer the uncharted, he drew dragons in its stead.
There aren’t parts of the world where they could be dragons. People seem to be everywhere, reducing the world and killing the imagination.
We live in a world teeming with activity, a frenetic pace from the first scream as air fills our lungs to the last rasps, perhaps finding rest only in those moments when we accept inevitability. And in between, the Red Queen’s Race. Wake, brush, dress, work, smile, rest, sleep, repeat. And find the time to have meaningful relationships with others…with others.
I still want the places in the world where I can find dragons. I don’t mean this in the same sense as Francis Drake. I’m trying to find a place where I am cut off from the steel snakes underground ferrying millions of lives back and forth, each an individual cookie cutter. I’m trying to plot the unknown in my head, to develop a meaningful relationship with myself.
In no way does this preclude others nor does it demonstrate a self indulgence/obsession.
Or so I imagine. In a show of bravado and the desire to be ever the fearless one to his men, to feign knowledge of the remaining unknown, to conquer the uncharted, he drew dragons in its stead.
There aren’t parts of the world where they could be dragons. People seem to be everywhere, reducing the world and killing the imagination.
We live in a world teeming with activity, a frenetic pace from the first scream as air fills our lungs to the last rasps, perhaps finding rest only in those moments when we accept inevitability. And in between, the Red Queen’s Race. Wake, brush, dress, work, smile, rest, sleep, repeat. And find the time to have meaningful relationships with others…with others.
I still want the places in the world where I can find dragons. I don’t mean this in the same sense as Francis Drake. I’m trying to find a place where I am cut off from the steel snakes underground ferrying millions of lives back and forth, each an individual cookie cutter. I’m trying to plot the unknown in my head, to develop a meaningful relationship with myself.
In no way does this preclude others nor does it demonstrate a self indulgence/obsession.
It’s just that it has been a while since I’ve gone looking to get lost, to sit alone outside some where and feel like people are still building lives, still getting their hands dirty to build something from the ground up.
I am looking for a place where I can be alone, in my head and find the uncharted bits that have developed when I wasn’t looking, the bits that have developed over the past three years, find the dragons and see how fearful they really are and at the very least become acquainted with them.
It’s impossible to plot a course without knowing the gaping holes, without shying away from what’s within.
I want to see myself in perspective with, for the lack of a more romantic word, the planet, to be able to sit on a hill somewhere and look down and out on an endless view with no sign of another human being, to forget and to get lost and see myself as alone and free of everything.
What I hope to achieve from a seemingly idyllic activity is to find that rush, that tiny hint of perspective we get when we sit on a beach alone and see the sun cross the horizon, or look up far from a city to the night sky or lie on our back and see the clouds that drift by, that tiny sliver of perspective of how short life really is and what the point of it may be. The answer isn’t out there or up there either, it’s that tiny click when the piece falls into place, that life really is short and the whole point of it really is to experience as much of it as you can for, in the end, there may be nothingness.
And it’s to experience that unique sense of satisfaction and peace when the cogs finally turn and that unknowable smile spreads itself and when you feel a little bit closer to yourself .
It’s only when you experience that do you realize that a insofar idyllic activity of lying alone somewhere is replete with meaning, that you don’t have to run in one place to find happiness, that lying like that is as full of meaning as working hard or developing a relationship with a person.
It’s when loneliness turns to solitude, when meaning is found in the simplest of things and a smile without reason is good enough.
I am looking for a place where I can be alone, in my head and find the uncharted bits that have developed when I wasn’t looking, the bits that have developed over the past three years, find the dragons and see how fearful they really are and at the very least become acquainted with them.
It’s impossible to plot a course without knowing the gaping holes, without shying away from what’s within.
I want to see myself in perspective with, for the lack of a more romantic word, the planet, to be able to sit on a hill somewhere and look down and out on an endless view with no sign of another human being, to forget and to get lost and see myself as alone and free of everything.
What I hope to achieve from a seemingly idyllic activity is to find that rush, that tiny hint of perspective we get when we sit on a beach alone and see the sun cross the horizon, or look up far from a city to the night sky or lie on our back and see the clouds that drift by, that tiny sliver of perspective of how short life really is and what the point of it may be. The answer isn’t out there or up there either, it’s that tiny click when the piece falls into place, that life really is short and the whole point of it really is to experience as much of it as you can for, in the end, there may be nothingness.
And it’s to experience that unique sense of satisfaction and peace when the cogs finally turn and that unknowable smile spreads itself and when you feel a little bit closer to yourself .
It’s only when you experience that do you realize that a insofar idyllic activity of lying alone somewhere is replete with meaning, that you don’t have to run in one place to find happiness, that lying like that is as full of meaning as working hard or developing a relationship with a person.
It’s when loneliness turns to solitude, when meaning is found in the simplest of things and a smile without reason is good enough.
Monday, March 03, 2008
Blog by Nmbers
Ten Things You Wish You Could Say To People Right Now
1. I love you, sleep well and I'll be there to take care of you before you know it
2. No, it isn't all that it's cracked up to be here. Yes, it's a great city but awfully lonesome
3. I'm sorry. Yes, I did hurt you and I see now it was best that we went our own way. But I still like talking to you
4. I feel really sad that I missed seeing you grow up and that you are a person I barely know. But I hope to change that
5. Yes but now I'm my own biggest critic. No, it's not fun
6. You shouldn't have said that one needs to go out there and create opportunities. You should have told me the truth
7. Stop being scared of failure, heck, you know that if you don't try, you'll never win
8. I'm sorry I led you to believe I could give you more
9. Don't call your self a feminist. Who you are changes with the boy de jour
10. I promise to never lie to you, even if it means causing you pain
Nine Things About Yourself
1. I live in my head
2. I believe we all chose this life before we were born, the experiences, trials and tribulations were hand picked so that we could learn as much as possible.
3. It takes a long long time to get to know me. I don't know why that is, there seem to be a fair number of reasons
4. I go insane if I am bored. Really
5. I am a geek and proud of it
6. I can wiggle my ears, turn my tongue over, touch the tip of my thumb to the underside of my arm and have size 11 feet
7. I regret spending so much time being conscious of others
8. I am a planner and even know details of the house I want to build one day. On the whole, this may lead to much unhappiness if I fail to get what I think will make me happy
9. I am very stubborn, obstinate and all around a difficult person to date. I can have this sufficiently proven. Heck, I wouldn't date me. But then again, I am one of the more interesting people I know so yes, I think I have a bit of an ego
:)
Eight Ways To Win Your Heart
1. Give me space when I need it. I treasure the time spent alone when I need it, just to regain balance
2. Rationally explain things to me when I'm doing my headless chicken impression
3. Talk to me, lapses of silence from my end mean something is bothering me and I would like to know you are there
4. Come to me with your problems because that makes me feel I can take care of you
5. Talk to me about stuff I am interested in. If I get all jabbery, that means you piqued my curiosity
6. Witty come backs are always appreciated
7. Appreciate the music I love, it's not necessary but doesn't hurt!
8. Give me a handwritten note. I promise to save it
Seven Things That Cross Your Mind A Lot
1. Where will I be at the end of the year
2. Will I get in to a B-school program I like
3. When can I have a normal relationship
4. How do I occupy my time
5. Will I make us happy
6. Will I rebound back if I do fall
7. Why wont the cable wire stay under the clip and how does it come undone every three days?
Six Things You Regret
1. Being an introvert in school
2. Being scared of getting hurt and not acting on things sooner
3. Being a slacker when it came to exercise
4. Being emotionally unavailable to the people closets to me
5. Over thinking things
6. Being insecure
Five Turn-Off's
1. Bad nails
2. Bad breath
3. An idiotic glaze when I talk about anything that may just be interesting
4. An attractive person who knows it and uses it as their biggest asset
5. Snooty people when it comes to social circles
Four Turn-On's
1. The smell on her as she gets out of the shower
2. A genuine, loud laugh
3. Her voice in my ear telling me things no one else is supposed to hear
4. Lips that aren't just a thing, straight line
Three Things You Want To Do Before You Die
1. Walk the 750km pilgrimage across northern Spain
2. Have a photography exhibition
3. Go up a mountain away from everything, sit alone and feel anonymous
Two Smileys that Describe You
1. :D
2. 8-o
One Confession
1. Read the blog
1. I love you, sleep well and I'll be there to take care of you before you know it
2. No, it isn't all that it's cracked up to be here. Yes, it's a great city but awfully lonesome
3. I'm sorry. Yes, I did hurt you and I see now it was best that we went our own way. But I still like talking to you
4. I feel really sad that I missed seeing you grow up and that you are a person I barely know. But I hope to change that
5. Yes but now I'm my own biggest critic. No, it's not fun
6. You shouldn't have said that one needs to go out there and create opportunities. You should have told me the truth
7. Stop being scared of failure, heck, you know that if you don't try, you'll never win
8. I'm sorry I led you to believe I could give you more
9. Don't call your self a feminist. Who you are changes with the boy de jour
10. I promise to never lie to you, even if it means causing you pain
Nine Things About Yourself
1. I live in my head
2. I believe we all chose this life before we were born, the experiences, trials and tribulations were hand picked so that we could learn as much as possible.
3. It takes a long long time to get to know me. I don't know why that is, there seem to be a fair number of reasons
4. I go insane if I am bored. Really
5. I am a geek and proud of it
6. I can wiggle my ears, turn my tongue over, touch the tip of my thumb to the underside of my arm and have size 11 feet
7. I regret spending so much time being conscious of others
8. I am a planner and even know details of the house I want to build one day. On the whole, this may lead to much unhappiness if I fail to get what I think will make me happy
9. I am very stubborn, obstinate and all around a difficult person to date. I can have this sufficiently proven. Heck, I wouldn't date me. But then again, I am one of the more interesting people I know so yes, I think I have a bit of an ego
:)
Eight Ways To Win Your Heart
1. Give me space when I need it. I treasure the time spent alone when I need it, just to regain balance
2. Rationally explain things to me when I'm doing my headless chicken impression
3. Talk to me, lapses of silence from my end mean something is bothering me and I would like to know you are there
4. Come to me with your problems because that makes me feel I can take care of you
5. Talk to me about stuff I am interested in. If I get all jabbery, that means you piqued my curiosity
6. Witty come backs are always appreciated
7. Appreciate the music I love, it's not necessary but doesn't hurt!
8. Give me a handwritten note. I promise to save it
Seven Things That Cross Your Mind A Lot
1. Where will I be at the end of the year
2. Will I get in to a B-school program I like
3. When can I have a normal relationship
4. How do I occupy my time
5. Will I make us happy
6. Will I rebound back if I do fall
7. Why wont the cable wire stay under the clip and how does it come undone every three days?
Six Things You Regret
1. Being an introvert in school
2. Being scared of getting hurt and not acting on things sooner
3. Being a slacker when it came to exercise
4. Being emotionally unavailable to the people closets to me
5. Over thinking things
6. Being insecure
Five Turn-Off's
1. Bad nails
2. Bad breath
3. An idiotic glaze when I talk about anything that may just be interesting
4. An attractive person who knows it and uses it as their biggest asset
5. Snooty people when it comes to social circles
Four Turn-On's
1. The smell on her as she gets out of the shower
2. A genuine, loud laugh
3. Her voice in my ear telling me things no one else is supposed to hear
4. Lips that aren't just a thing, straight line
Three Things You Want To Do Before You Die
1. Walk the 750km pilgrimage across northern Spain
2. Have a photography exhibition
3. Go up a mountain away from everything, sit alone and feel anonymous
Two Smileys that Describe You
1. :D
2. 8-o
One Confession
1. Read the blog
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Big Swinging Dick, Customer Support
So I had an interview today, wasn't too keen on the firm but what the heck.
And I was right, the guy was a big swinging dick, smart I'm sure but a dick nonetheless. I don't know how this happens to people. I know certain things are genetic, like sexual orientation (contrary to Republics quip of it being a "life choice"...right Sen. Larry Craig who even now insists he isnt gay, it was just him "sinning"...ass. Or how about those who are "cured" of homosexuality...it's called "denial" you shmucks and of course the bigger gits are the ones around them who has instilled this sense that heterosexuality is the only natural state. Bring back the Greeks I say...without the underage sex though this begs the argument of what is considered morally acceptable and honestly, there's no one I have met who hasn't looked at me as though I was a nut job when I spoke about the topic. I digress)
But how does this guy grow up to be a dick? Betchya his head gets bigger when he pops in a blue pill
Anyway. Also, I love Bose. So I got the gorgeous headphones but now, thanks to frequent use, they have developed that horrible problem those stolen British Airways headphones they used to sell in Nehru Place for Rs. 200 had -- the sound goes off and comes back when you jiggle the wire. My grand dad has a drawerful of headphones witht he wires running into the headset, all scotchtaped up. I kid you not. It looks like an amateur dried to put them through the mummification process.
I remember once, we got him a new pair just to find them taped up three days later. Further investigation revealed he had taped them up in *anticipation*. Preemptive strike what?!
Anyway, these earphones have the same problem now. However
* Bose has a support number clearly listed on the site. You don't have to go through a myriad of links to find it (hear that Cingular you bastards!! And doubletime for you Time Warner you sodden c****)
* The phone menu options are at most three as opposed to me having to sit with a post-it to write down the options as I go along to avoid it should i get cut (hear me Cingular you assholes!)
* The guy is polite (TimeWarner, wtf??)
* The guy *asks* for a number *he* can call *me* back on!! Holy crap, gimme some stock, I love this company I really do!
* It took 4 minutes to set up an exchange. I could weep
* I told him I may be leaving the country soon -- turn around time, two weeks and shipping any where in the world. On them. For the trouble they caused me.
When you buy a product, say like a computer or Windows, the relationship ends as you walk out the door. With Bose and Apple, it begins with buying their product.
How sappy do I sound? But I really do love them
And I was right, the guy was a big swinging dick, smart I'm sure but a dick nonetheless. I don't know how this happens to people. I know certain things are genetic, like sexual orientation (contrary to Republics quip of it being a "life choice"...right Sen. Larry Craig who even now insists he isnt gay, it was just him "sinning"...ass. Or how about those who are "cured" of homosexuality...it's called "denial" you shmucks and of course the bigger gits are the ones around them who has instilled this sense that heterosexuality is the only natural state. Bring back the Greeks I say...without the underage sex though this begs the argument of what is considered morally acceptable and honestly, there's no one I have met who hasn't looked at me as though I was a nut job when I spoke about the topic. I digress)
But how does this guy grow up to be a dick? Betchya his head gets bigger when he pops in a blue pill
Anyway. Also, I love Bose. So I got the gorgeous headphones but now, thanks to frequent use, they have developed that horrible problem those stolen British Airways headphones they used to sell in Nehru Place for Rs. 200 had -- the sound goes off and comes back when you jiggle the wire. My grand dad has a drawerful of headphones witht he wires running into the headset, all scotchtaped up. I kid you not. It looks like an amateur dried to put them through the mummification process.
I remember once, we got him a new pair just to find them taped up three days later. Further investigation revealed he had taped them up in *anticipation*. Preemptive strike what?!
Anyway, these earphones have the same problem now. However
* Bose has a support number clearly listed on the site. You don't have to go through a myriad of links to find it (hear that Cingular you bastards!! And doubletime for you Time Warner you sodden c****)
* The phone menu options are at most three as opposed to me having to sit with a post-it to write down the options as I go along to avoid it should i get cut (hear me Cingular you assholes!)
* The guy is polite (TimeWarner, wtf??)
* The guy *asks* for a number *he* can call *me* back on!! Holy crap, gimme some stock, I love this company I really do!
* It took 4 minutes to set up an exchange. I could weep
* I told him I may be leaving the country soon -- turn around time, two weeks and shipping any where in the world. On them. For the trouble they caused me.
When you buy a product, say like a computer or Windows, the relationship ends as you walk out the door. With Bose and Apple, it begins with buying their product.
How sappy do I sound? But I really do love them
Daily Drivel
Good morning sportsfaaaaaans!
Anyway, I digress. I came to a realization. Okay, I read this some where and thought it made sense so im copying, plagiarizing if you will. But, and this time, say it with me, I will quote the truth wherever I find it, even if it’s Snoopy the Dog
The two active ingredients for procrastination (for me?) are fear and doubt. Which is why whenever I have procrastinated, it’s always been over something that scares me. Maybe this is a universal truth that everyone knows, maybe it’s something now all of two people know, I don’t care or know. But I never understood my procrastination nor the pattern behind it until now.
So. To give up the fear means to jump into it whole heartedly, both feet going kerplunk. Of course fear is sometimes a good thing, it’s the voice of self preservation. But like all good advice, heed it, value it, then make your own decision weighed on the prospects of loss, learning and the potential light at the end of the tunnel.
Also, no plan is written in stone. It’s only when it is fluid can it adapt, can it not disappoint and all in all, lead to a better process.
Fank you
Now for some link love to Stefan Bucher whose video clips on daily monsters is brilliant. Go check site, I have already preordered book (well, it’s in my shopping cart).
Also, new dubstep chappie I was introduced – Burial
Monday, February 25, 2008
Badly Written Post, Just Want To Remind Myself How Things Change
Right so I’m going to try and approximate the verbiage I seem to spew when trying to wrestle with organizing a burst of tangential thoughts:
Okay-‘kay-‘kay-‘kay
It’s been ups n downs including one meltdown listed here. But since then, I have moved on from the position for India (via London for 6mos) with a PE firm. The MD who interviewed me wrote back a whole week after I thanked him for his time. Also, given one of the guys I met in the lobby is a lot older than I, has an MBA and works with KKR, yeah I probably wont get the job. Oh well. Things don’t work out how you always want or so sayeth my personal Yoda the ear hair notwithstanding
I have had one interview with another firm in London but they do stuff I don’t and there’s only so far I can wing it.
But I let it go
I had one with a Singapore hedgie where an Indian woman interviewed me, everything seemed to go swimmingly until (being familiar with the City I grew up in) asked me when I graduated (2000) and then asked how old I was (you aren’t supposed to legally do that you know) but she did ask and when I told her, she went, “Oh”
Not an oh! or even an ohhhhhhhh! or a simple okay
The oh was more the you’re only twentyfiveohmygosh. Yeah, I’m 25 and still answered everything you asked.
I’m sorry but if being young works against me, I cant help it.
Now, I did reach out to another hedgie in NY and the lady described my resume as incredibly interesting (okay! Gimme job then!)
I spoke to the NY guy who said even though they are on a hiring freeze, if they like me, they will take me. So I am meeting the head of research on Friday.
I am also meeting another NY hedgie on Thursday.
I am also meeting a recruiter who knows 4-5 NY places which would be a fit and that’s tomorrow. Boy, did I pick to wrong time for a flu/cold relapse
Sniffle
Now I do have a back up that is a gamble. End of March I move to India and work for a microcredit place for 6-8 months while prepping for the GMAT and working on MBA apps. I then get in (to the MBA school…okay, one of the 5 I like) and then travel. I want to do the 700km trek from France to Spain i.e. the Camino de Santiago. I also want to work in either the wildlife hospital in Greece, the conservatory in Ecuador or the refuge in Bolivia (I love animals, heck I own every Gerald Durrell written and have read each one to know the opening chapter and what follows)
Of course, the gamble is that I do get into the program of my choice else I am stuck
Now, the options in order
The PE firm that sends me to London and then India (they don’t let you start until July which means I can still travel myself)
One of the hedgies in NY for a year, take time off to travel to India, then work with them for a year and apply to B school
Do the microfinance thing and travel
So, if anyone has any leads on microfinance, you got a volunteer here, twenty five and ready to get his hands dirty!
Okay-‘kay-‘kay-‘kay
It’s been ups n downs including one meltdown listed here. But since then, I have moved on from the position for India (via London for 6mos) with a PE firm. The MD who interviewed me wrote back a whole week after I thanked him for his time. Also, given one of the guys I met in the lobby is a lot older than I, has an MBA and works with KKR, yeah I probably wont get the job. Oh well. Things don’t work out how you always want or so sayeth my personal Yoda the ear hair notwithstanding
I have had one interview with another firm in London but they do stuff I don’t and there’s only so far I can wing it.
But I let it go
I had one with a Singapore hedgie where an Indian woman interviewed me, everything seemed to go swimmingly until (being familiar with the City I grew up in) asked me when I graduated (2000) and then asked how old I was (you aren’t supposed to legally do that you know) but she did ask and when I told her, she went, “Oh”
Not an oh! or even an ohhhhhhhh! or a simple okay
The oh was more the you’re only twentyfiveohmygosh. Yeah, I’m 25 and still answered everything you asked.
I’m sorry but if being young works against me, I cant help it.
Now, I did reach out to another hedgie in NY and the lady described my resume as incredibly interesting (okay! Gimme job then!)
I spoke to the NY guy who said even though they are on a hiring freeze, if they like me, they will take me. So I am meeting the head of research on Friday.
I am also meeting another NY hedgie on Thursday.
I am also meeting a recruiter who knows 4-5 NY places which would be a fit and that’s tomorrow. Boy, did I pick to wrong time for a flu/cold relapse
Sniffle
Now I do have a back up that is a gamble. End of March I move to India and work for a microcredit place for 6-8 months while prepping for the GMAT and working on MBA apps. I then get in (to the MBA school…okay, one of the 5 I like) and then travel. I want to do the 700km trek from France to Spain i.e. the Camino de Santiago. I also want to work in either the wildlife hospital in Greece, the conservatory in Ecuador or the refuge in Bolivia (I love animals, heck I own every Gerald Durrell written and have read each one to know the opening chapter and what follows)
Of course, the gamble is that I do get into the program of my choice else I am stuck
Now, the options in order
The PE firm that sends me to London and then India (they don’t let you start until July which means I can still travel myself)
One of the hedgies in NY for a year, take time off to travel to India, then work with them for a year and apply to B school
Do the microfinance thing and travel
So, if anyone has any leads on microfinance, you got a volunteer here, twenty five and ready to get his hands dirty!
Friday, February 22, 2008
You Know What You Did
there was this tight ball wound up inside me
thats what tightened when i got mad
and some how, you made it disappear
i dont think i can lose my temper in the same stubborn, irrational way any more
you kinda broke something and fixed something bigger
i've never met anyone who can do that
thats what tightened when i got mad
and some how, you made it disappear
i dont think i can lose my temper in the same stubborn, irrational way any more
you kinda broke something and fixed something bigger
i've never met anyone who can do that
Falling Off the Map
I’ve been thinking and the more I think about it the more it appeals to me. www.solbeam.com gave me the idea. What if I took 4-6 months and just travelled, lived on a shoe string budget, took pictures and then gave my GMAT etc etc?
I have the money, I don’t have a family of my own, yeah, the visa but I don’t know, it’s something that well, there’s something so delicious about it
I have the money, I don’t have a family of my own, yeah, the visa but I don’t know, it’s something that well, there’s something so delicious about it
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
I'm Tired and I Want to go Home Now Please
I’m struggling to find meaning. If I thought I was in limbo 3 months ago, I feel it now more than ever. Every step is unsure because there’s no way of knowing if it’s the right move or not.
I’m trying desperately to bend my life to go the way I want it to and some how keep getting forced to surrender. And I’m a bit tired of compromising on what I want and what makes me happy.
How long can I keep pressing this way? I’m trying to get to a life that sitting else where, then what can I call what I already have.
Yes, I try and surrender and try and have faith. But it’s hard to do when every bit of me is screaming for opportunities. After all, I know I can work my butt off. What’s a guy who is willing to work 14 hours a day to get good at a job have to do before he gives up and wonders what the hell everyone is really after.
Don’t tell me I need experience, how do I get experience when you aren’t willing to give it to me.
This is frustrating. I had one melt down yesterday and am trying my best to keep a tenacious grip and forge on. But in the end it wears me down. It’s the same thing day after day after day.
All I’m trying to do is get closer home. Why is this so hard? Where is the meaning to all of this? What do I have to do get the opportunity I want? Where are all the answers?
Sunday, February 17, 2008
So I had the pleasure of watching what is one of my favorite movies now -- Paris, Je T'aime
And this is hilarious:
I think it's brilliant and the wiki entry does a good job explaining it. So if anyone has seen it, my favorites:
-- the hair salon segment with the bald (!!) sales rep trying to sell product. The thing is, the entire short treats the line, "I love you" like a punch line to a commercial. Someone sat down, through their stone realized that it's become a punch line to sell everything from car insurance to perfume endorsed by the now skanked out Britney my-nipples-point-in-different-directions Spears. So, why not create a commercial selling anything but to fit in with the meme of the movie, have the punch line reverberate around Paris?
He gets there, gives the ladies at the salon a makeover, there's a picture shoot and each frame is a commercial almost for something. In the end, he leaves the head honcho n a flowing black dress, as he walks off into the subway, the evening sun bouncing off his receding bald pate.
The phrase then repeats all over Paris. It's just a punch line, to a product, nothing else.
-- the short where the old man is convincing the younger woman to "leave Gaspard"
"But he won't like it!"
"It's your life, you have to live it...besides, I'll take care of him"
In a continuous frame, we go from an older man planning to have his young mistress leave Gaspard to be with him to it being an old man, advising his daughter to step away from her baby so she can meet friends and have a break from him while the old man, the grandfather takes care of him. It's still love. But just another version.
--------------------
Bill Maher sends a black, twenty something female reporter to 'caucus' people. She goes to the "Ah! My Nappy Hair!" Salon in LA and speaks with 6 black women getting their hair done.
It's interesting that it's no longer the pundits spin of gender vs. race. Hilary is NOT a black woman. Woman yes, black no. And why does gender not win out: "I look at her and don't see my mothers strength in her", quips one black woman. So there goes the argument of black women being in a quandary
--------------------
The candidates don't even listen to the words of the songs they pick for their campaigns (wait! they have campaign songs now? Yeah, no one told me either)
In '84m Regan wanted to use Born in the USA (and Bruce Springsteen said no but that's another story). The first line of the song is "I woke up in the evening"! That it self reflects poorly and should give you some clue what the song is about -- a cynical Vietnam war vet
Romney used "A Little Less Conversation" by Elvis. The next line is "and a little more action". So, if I read this right, the theme of the party is, "get laid!"?
Hilary is using KT Tunstall's "Suddenly I See" and Barak had will.i.am write him a song which I think is a much better idea
--------------------
So I'm watching this show on BBC, Brit comedy it is:
Guy 1: Wow, did you hear about the latest scandal in the US?
Guy 2: Yeah, it's almost as big as Watergate gate
G1: Watergate gate?
G2: Yeah, watergate gate
G1: I think it's just Watergate...
G2: Don't be silly! Watergate means a scandal about water! That's why it's watergate gate
G1: No, actually, I think 'gate comes from Watergate. So you know, it's Camillagate. Like Watergate
G2: Don't be ridiculous, it's not a system where you take the last four letters of the last scandal and apply it to the next one!
--------------------
Right so I was watching this program and later they revealed that a woman on it was a porn-star under the moniker Ashlynn Brooke. Now she didn't look like one (not that I am commenting on *how* they are supposed to look) but I wikied her. And in all fairness, to avoid controversy, yes, I did check out the 'images' section on Google. Anyway, I still maintain, that like reading Playboy for the articles, I wikied her. They also had her myspace page.
Now, I have always been fascinated by the divide between facebook and myspace and there is no denying it really does exist.
So, I checked hers out to see who comments on her page. I mean, who would right, add a porn star to be cool or whatever.
Her page is here
You have guy's leaving her rose gif's to thank her for adding them, you have this chap wishing her for valentines day. I mean what do you do, troll myspace friends and leave them scraps? No, I'm sorry, I know I am being judgemental but dude!
Anyway, the point isn't to spit vitriol but I've been fascinated by the divide between facebook and myspace. And it undeniably exists right? So my point is I've moved from one limited circle to another. Delhi has it's own (albeit more democratic than Bombay in the sense more variegated economically than Bombay but still limited). And I realized even Boston comprised rich kids, my school comprised smarter kids than the average demographic of the state, my roommate agreeable from the backwaters was a philosophy major, applying to law school. So not representative.
My point is there is another demographic that I will never be familiar with. Boston, NY, none of them are representative. And such a pity.
--------------------
I want to go to places in the world where I can still get lost
--------------------
This is beautiful:
This is beautiful:
And this is hilarious:
Friday, January 25, 2008
Bugger
I've had cable for two and a half years. I just discovered I get a bunch of channels in HD.
...
I want my money back somebody-owes-me-money!
I feel like Charlie Brown
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Oh Oh Oh...
and I forgot to add, check out Louis Theroux here
Some really interesting documentaries on everything from Skinheads, male porn actors, Black Supremists, Gangsta Rap...
Some really interesting documentaries on everything from Skinheads, male porn actors, Black Supremists, Gangsta Rap...
This is going to be a long post.
This is going to be a random post.
Consider yourself warned
----------------
----------------
New Movies:
• Juno -- yet to watch this film but I do like Cerra, ever since Arrested Development
• Spirited Away -- yet to see
• Across the Universe -- yet to see, but quite kicked about it, set to Beatles music, trippy and recommended by the Short One
• Charlie Wilson's War -- yet to see, came across and HBO special, was curious
• Sin City -- Frank Miller! Hard to turn down
• Driving Miss Daisy -- surprisingly, yet to see
• The Lives of Others -- brilliant, the lead apparently died shortly afterward but he did an absolutely brilliant job. And the movie itself feels like the period it's set in, a period of the thought-police, stolid actors, grey, reserved, I loved it
• The Fountain -- now this was interesting and very very trippy. It's, I suppose, a love story across forever mixed in with science fiction
• The Transformers -- oh come now, okay yeah, I loved them as a kid but this movie is pretty faithful to the storyline and I know people who hadn't of the Transformers and still liked the movie...it's one of those that's a decent action flick, not just stuff blowing up but a rush nonetheless, kinda like AvP and yes, before you snobs roll your eyes, a decent movie too
• Mostly Martha -- the original of the vapid Catherine Zeta flick, No Reservations. Plus it has Gedeck, the actress from The Lives of Others...cute without being sappy
----------------
New music:
This is going to be a random post.
Consider yourself warned
----------------
I'm back baby!
(Elvis side-to-side hip thrust) Fank you! Fankyouverymuch! Hua!
I'm in a maniacal mood right now! Indian markets fell 12%, Big Ben called for an emergency rate cut, Amy was caught smoking crack, Kenya's unleashed the cops on slum dwellers, Hilary was caught crying, I didn't still find a suitable job…fuck, as REM put it, "it's the end of the world as we know it"
Now, there's nothing I can do but adopt the same attitude as Zaphod Beeblebrox , that cool frood and slap on a smile (or two given the number of heads you may or may not have) and realize that worrying only makes me look older (hmmm, where have I heard that line?)
----------------
My new source for new music fix. It has a fake level up that appeals to the gaming geek in me. You get points for logging in each day, for 'discovering' new tracks and they have this chart thing, see, that if you bump up a song, it costs you points but if others bump it up, then you get some points back. The higher up a level you get to be, the more points you get.
The points are probably worth the same in real terms as cigarette money – 10,000th of a cent. Or this is a place where everything is made up and the points don't matter! Hey!
Plus, it makes a very satisfying pock! sound when it wants to show you how many points you accumulated since your last log in.
Most satisfying I say.
Okay so I just logged in to see how many people liked my music and realized its validation for my taste in music. Still, most satisfying
----------------
This site has the best YouTube to iPod converter. The quality is the best (of all the rippers out there)
Why would you want this? Because there are some videos that are priceless. For instance
There, see?
----------------
So the job front sucks yeah? I mean I tried finding jobs in
Anyway, have shifted to looking at
I had an interview this morning at 5am with the private equity segment of a bulge bracket. This guy was my age and asked me some stuff I didn't know much about. That deflates me. I'm pretty good at what I *do* know and what annoys me is judging someone by what you know rather than trying to get a feel for their ability to pick up stuff. It's so frustrating and even more so because it looks so simple on paper: I want to get a good job in
Right, 6 months and counting yeah?
I was driving back with BB from
I'm just frustrated right now and need space to vent. It's tiring, finding opportunities and having them fall through, trying to sell your self to someone without honestly telling them that look, there's this much I know. I think I'm intelligent enough to do the job you want. I work my butt off and am genuinely interested and curious and there's no way you will regret it. Instead, I'm trying to impress some shmuck who wants me to know what he knows (when half the stuff can be googled). If I asked him to do what I do, would he know as much? I don't think so.
And I don't want to vent to her, it isn't fun when the other person is whining all the time. But the thing is, every time I talk to her, I just want to get back to her, get on with my life and have her completely in it. Some how the voice down the phone doesn't do it. And when I met her in December, I got a small taste of what life would be like, for the good and the bad and I wanted it. "I saw what I wanted and all I got was a lousy ten days...and this t shirt"
Y'know, I do read self-helpy stuff (not Dr. Phil, more Mathieu Ricard) and I do try out the stuff they suggest, but sometimes the most cathartic things seems like coming apart at the seams in frustration.
Yesterday I was frustrated enough to blow off steam at the gym even though its -7 Celcius outside.
Oh and to add to the frustration, there's more. So each time I get angst-addled, I wonder if this is how I'm supposed to react or if it's the reaction of a 17 year old. I suppose I'm meant to take it in my stride and not throw off my hat and jump on it and on the outside I do shrug it off and go, okay, well, moving on then...but it's not easy. This protracted attempt to get a job that I want is so frustrating.
I really think I need more of the gym and to meditate.
----------------
Relationshipwise, well, I don't want to talk about it, I really really don't. Every time I talk about something working out, and I don't mean relationshippy just stuff, it goes kablooie in the face see? But I think it's going well and I'm happy.
Not as happy as I would have been being with her in the same place so as to not to have to flip the page over in the atlas but I'm working on it…still working on it
It is interesting, however I will add. It's not just boy-girl mush. We can have actual conversations about interesting things, and that's a first for me.
But again, I don't want to get into it because if it goes kablooie, and I hope it doesn't (ever), then well, I'll have to start a whole new blog and I can't be bothered to, too much effort so I'm going to make sure nothing goes wrong
(I'm kidding! There are reasons beyond the effort of having to create a new blog for being with you Shorty…well, a few anyway!)
(I kid! I kid!)
J
But
But yeah, I do agree with her statement, “It’s like I’m introducing you to your first adult, meaningful relationship”
Ugh, to be able to step out of myself, sock myself in the face and knock some sense into me. I really need to stop throwing tantrums and well, grow up ----------------
I'm the least judgmental person there is. Of course, sitting in the car, after eating street dosas (dude, what is it with dosas in
And while she was kicked that she figured out something about me, it his me smack between the eyes – I am not judgmental because the minute I start, I see people for who they are, their faults and insecurities and that takes away from them. And when I was younger, that meant I wouldn't be able to be around them and would get very frustrated. So, I blocked it all out and became non judgmental. The problem is, it kept me from seeing people who they really were. I would have broken up with the Ex long before, not put up with another friends bullshit for a whole year and on the whole, not gotten hurt as much.
But I guess I was scared of being lonely more than anything else so just put up with it. And my friends, as much as I care about some of them, can be forceful and domineering. And some times vacuous and frustrating. I guess all I can do is accept it and still want to be friends with them.
----------------
My friends don't get really me and I don't know why that still surprises me
Me: so, did you have any interesting essays to write for B-School?
S: Stanford asked about what matters to you the most and why?
A, N, S: making a difference in the world
Now, as noble as that may be, I don't think it's true. For the application, sure, but heck, who am I to disagree, maybe all three *do* want to change the world. But I'm a bit selfish
Me: I never want to stop learning, figuring out new things all the time
(yes, I lack my usual loquaciousness but this was with a Portuguese-wine-thickened tongue, so bite yours)
.
.
.
N: you can't not share, don't you want to give back to the world? You can't do things alone?
Sweetheart, I have been for a very long time. At least I'm honest enough to admit that the singularly most important thing for me in this life is to make the most of it because I truly do believe the only purpose is to live through every experience sent your way. It's a mish-mashed philosophy drawing from the Greeks, Hinduism and Buddhism, Richard Bach, whatever you want. I can't profess that the most important thing is to give back. If I truly believed that, if I really really did, I'd give up everything and spend every minute in the service of others, just like anyone who claims that that's what's important to them, someone like yourself...oh, wait...
Me: Well, if someone isn't interested, then I'm not going to force them right?
When did wanting to spend your life learning as much as you can become a selfish thing?
Me: and if someone is interested in something I know a lot about , hell I'll spend all the time with them they want
N: Whatever Z, you can't spend your life alone, man is not an island
I know, which is why I do most of the things I like alone, because (up until recently) I didn't have anyone to share interesting stuff with, no offense intended
S: I think there comes a time in your life when you want to give back and …he isn't at…that point, he'sstillakid...like when you have a kid
…what. the. fuck?
I've skipped from philanthropy vs. living your life as the primary goal to being too selfish to have a kid. You either need to lay off the booze or think before speaking.
If it's someone I love, I will bend over ass-backward for them. But would I be willing to give up everything to spend every moment helping others? No. But neither would you sweetheart. And as for a kid, I refuse to comment on my ability to take care of one, least of all when it comes to one of my own.
This is exactly why I refuse to be open and share my thoughts and feelings. Ever since I was 16 or 17, I read that it was one person's opinion that the best life is a life of meditation/contemplation and that the point of it all was to make the most of everything we had, to really learn as much as we could. I really believe in that and that's who I am. Of course, if this is dismissed as being selfish, then well, fuck you.
I don't for a minute feel like I don't want to give back but even that is on my own terms yeah? I can't agree with the Mother Teresa approach of building a shelter for people to live. Yes, it's important,but if I had a million bucks, I'd want to give it all to kids who want to go to school, to people trying to make renewable energy to save the planet, to preserving forests, to fostering animals treated brutally...that's my brand, that's how I want to do it, it ties in with what I believe in.
But yes, right now, the most important thing to me is to learn as much as I can, it gives me a rush. And I'm sorry if I'm not one of those 25 year olds who wants to "give back" (in the sense that others mean it).
Are you really telling me that everyone is out to change the world? Then fuck business school, go and volunteer. Don't tell me B-school isn't about getting a better paying job, that's bull-fucking-hypocritical-shit, how will working with a bulge bracket change the world?
Yeesh, so much for honesty
----------------
Things I have bought:
· Photoshop CS3
· Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life's Most Important Skill by Mathieu Ricard
· The Digital Photography Book, Volume 2, by Scott Kelby
· The Adobe Photoshop CS3 Book for Digital Photographers by Scott Kelby
----------------
New Movies:
• Juno -- yet to watch this film but I do like Cerra, ever since Arrested Development
• Spirited Away -- yet to see
• Across the Universe -- yet to see, but quite kicked about it, set to Beatles music, trippy and recommended by the Short One
• Charlie Wilson's War -- yet to see, came across and HBO special, was curious
• Sin City -- Frank Miller! Hard to turn down
• Driving Miss Daisy -- surprisingly, yet to see
• The Lives of Others -- brilliant, the lead apparently died shortly afterward but he did an absolutely brilliant job. And the movie itself feels like the period it's set in, a period of the thought-police, stolid actors, grey, reserved, I loved it
• The Fountain -- now this was interesting and very very trippy. It's, I suppose, a love story across forever mixed in with science fiction
• The Transformers -- oh come now, okay yeah, I loved them as a kid but this movie is pretty faithful to the storyline and I know people who hadn't of the Transformers and still liked the movie...it's one of those that's a decent action flick, not just stuff blowing up but a rush nonetheless, kinda like AvP and yes, before you snobs roll your eyes, a decent movie too
• Mostly Martha -- the original of the vapid Catherine Zeta flick, No Reservations. Plus it has Gedeck, the actress from The Lives of Others...cute without being sappy
----------------
New music:
Boy with a Coin – Iron & Wine
Hey Ya – Obadiah Parker
Idioteque – Obadiah Parker
Old Number Seven – The Devil Makes Three
Music is my Hot Hot Sex – CSS
Funeral Dress – William Fitzsimmons
One Big
Violin with Inka One – Paul Dateh
No Diggity – The Klaxons
The Way I Am – Ingrid Michaelson
The Long Walk Back – Just Off Turner
Nothin – Woven
Disappear – Kaitee Page
Hunting for Witches – Bloc Party (Ruckus Robotic version)
Getcha Girl – The Moon & Monday
My Friends – Stereophonics
Ashes to Ashes – David Bowie
Bohemian Like You – The Dandy Warhols
Creep – Radiohead
I Hate Camera – The Bird & the Bee
Diablo Rojo – Rodrigo y Gabriela
None Shall Pass – Aesop Rock
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
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