Thursday, January 24, 2008

This is going to be a long post.
This is going to be a random post.
Consider yourself warned

I'm back baby!

(Elvis side-to-side hip thrust) Fank you! Fankyouverymuch! Hua!

I'm in a maniacal mood right now! Indian markets fell 12%, Big Ben called for an emergency rate cut, Amy was caught smoking crack, Kenya's unleashed the cops on slum dwellers, Hilary was caught crying, I didn't still find a suitable job…fuck, as REM put it, "it's the end of the world as we know it"

Now, there's nothing I can do but adopt the same attitude as Zaphod Beeblebrox , that cool frood and slap on a smile (or two given the number of heads you may or may not have) and realize that worrying only makes me look older (hmmm, where have I heard that line?)


My new source for new music fix. It has a fake level up that appeals to the gaming geek in me. You get points for logging in each day, for 'discovering' new tracks and they have this chart thing, see, that if you bump up a song, it costs you points but if others bump it up, then you get some points back. The higher up a level you get to be, the more points you get.

The points are probably worth the same in real terms as cigarette money – 10,000th of a cent. Or this is a place where everything is made up and the points don't matter! Hey!

Plus, it makes a very satisfying pock! sound when it wants to show you how many points you accumulated since your last log in.

Most satisfying I say.

Okay so I just logged in to see how many people liked my music and realized its validation for my taste in music. Still, most satisfying


This site has the best YouTube to iPod converter. The quality is the best (of all the rippers out there)

Why would you want this? Because there are some videos that are priceless. For instance

There, see?


So the job front sucks yeah? I mean I tried finding jobs in India but everyone wants either Indian experience or an MBA. Now, how do I get Indian experience if no one will let me work there? I don't get it.

Anyway, have shifted to looking at London and Singapore as well but still haven't closed off India, let's see how things go.

I had an interview this morning at 5am with the private equity segment of a bulge bracket. This guy was my age and asked me some stuff I didn't know much about. That deflates me. I'm pretty good at what I *do* know and what annoys me is judging someone by what you know rather than trying to get a feel for their ability to pick up stuff. It's so frustrating and even more so because it looks so simple on paper: I want to get a good job in India, where I'm happy and learn as much as I can and am close to the half-pint I love.
Right, 6 months and counting yeah?

I was driving back with BB from Baltimore this past weekend. He has been working for 3 months and is switching jobs. His girlfriend is here and he makes a decent amount, has a new car, lives rent free in Long Island. And he was complaining that he missed his folks, that he wanted to go back to India. He's been here two years. Last year when I told him I wanted to move, he was my biggest critic saying I was insane to leave all this behind. Right. Walk in a persons shoes and all that yeah?

I'm just frustrated right now and need space to vent. It's tiring, finding opportunities and having them fall through, trying to sell your self to someone without honestly telling them that look, there's this much I know. I think I'm intelligent enough to do the job you want. I work my butt off and am genuinely interested and curious and there's no way you will regret it. Instead, I'm trying to impress some shmuck who wants me to know what he knows (when half the stuff can be googled). If I asked him to do what I do, would he know as much? I don't think so.

And I don't want to vent to her, it isn't fun when the other person is whining all the time. But the thing is, every time I talk to her, I just want to get back to her, get on with my life and have her completely in it. Some how the voice down the phone doesn't do it. And when I met her in December, I got a small taste of what life would be like, for the good and the bad and I wanted it. "I saw what I wanted and all I got was a lousy ten days...and this t shirt"

Y'know, I do read self-helpy stuff (not Dr. Phil, more Mathieu Ricard) and I do try out the stuff they suggest, but sometimes the most cathartic things seems like coming apart at the seams in frustration.

Yesterday I was frustrated enough to blow off steam at the gym even though its -7 Celcius outside.

Oh and to add to the frustration, there's more. So each time I get angst-addled, I wonder if this is how I'm supposed to react or if it's the reaction of a 17 year old. I suppose I'm meant to take it in my stride and not throw off my hat and jump on it and on the outside I do shrug it off and go, okay, well, moving on then...but it's not easy. This protracted attempt to get a job that I want is so frustrating.
I really think I need more of the gym and to meditate.


Relationshipwise, well, I don't want to talk about it, I really really don't. Every time I talk about something working out, and I don't mean relationshippy just stuff, it goes kablooie in the face see? But I think it's going well and I'm happy.

Not as happy as I would have been being with her in the same place so as to not to have to flip the page over in the atlas but I'm working on it…still working on it

It is interesting, however I will add. It's not just boy-girl mush. We can have actual conversations about interesting things, and that's a first for me.

But again, I don't want to get into it because if it goes kablooie, and I hope it doesn't (ever), then well, I'll have to start a whole new blog and I can't be bothered to, too much effort so I'm going to make sure nothing goes wrong

(I'm kidding! There are reasons beyond the effort of having to create a new blog for being with you Shorty…well, a few anyway!)

(I kid! I kid!)


But Bombay was a lot of fun. It was comfortable and open and fun. And … okay I'm stopping now just in case this puts a hex on it.

But yeah, I do agree with her statement, “It’s like I’m introducing you to your first adult, meaningful relationship”

Ugh, to be able to step out of myself, sock myself in the face and knock some sense into me. I really need to stop throwing tantrums and well, grow up


I'm the least judgmental person there is. Of course, sitting in the car, after eating street dosas (dude, what is it with dosas in Bombay? A Chinese dosa with noodles and ketchup stuffed? Cheese? I'm sorry, give me Sagar Ratna in Malviya Nagar any day), in her car, the penny dropped.

And while she was kicked that she figured out something about me, it his me smack between the eyes – I am not judgmental because the minute I start, I see people for who they are, their faults and insecurities and that takes away from them. And when I was younger, that meant I wouldn't be able to be around them and would get very frustrated. So, I blocked it all out and became non judgmental. The problem is, it kept me from seeing people who they really were. I would have broken up with the Ex long before, not put up with another friends bullshit for a whole year and on the whole, not gotten hurt as much.

But I guess I was scared of being lonely more than anything else so just put up with it. And my friends, as much as I care about some of them, can be forceful and domineering. And some times vacuous and frustrating. I guess all I can do is accept it and still want to be friends with them.


My friends don't get really me and I don't know why that still surprises me

Me: so, did you have any interesting essays to write for B-School?

S: Stanford asked about what matters to you the most and why?

A, N, S: making a difference in the world

Now, as noble as that may be, I don't think it's true. For the application, sure, but heck, who am I to disagree, maybe all three *do* want to change the world. But I'm a bit selfish

Me: I never want to stop learning, figuring out new things all the time

(yes, I lack my usual loquaciousness but this was with a Portuguese-wine-thickened tongue, so bite yours)




N: you can't not share, don't you want to give back to the world? You can't do things alone?

Sweetheart, I have been for a very long time. At least I'm honest enough to admit that the singularly most important thing for me in this life is to make the most of it because I truly do believe the only purpose is to live through every experience sent your way. It's a mish-mashed philosophy drawing from the Greeks, Hinduism and Buddhism, Richard Bach, whatever you want. I can't profess that the most important thing is to give back. If I truly believed that, if I really really did, I'd give up everything and spend every minute in the service of others, just like anyone who claims that that's what's important to them, someone like yourself...oh, wait...

Me: Well, if someone isn't interested, then I'm not going to force them right?

When did wanting to spend your life learning as much as you can become a selfish thing?

Me: and if someone is interested in something I know a lot about , hell I'll spend all the time with them they want

N: Whatever Z, you can't spend your life alone, man is not an island

I know, which is why I do most of the things I like alone, because (up until recently) I didn't have anyone to share interesting stuff with, no offense intended

S: I think there comes a time in your life when you want to give back and …he isn't at…that point, he' when you have a kid

…what. the. fuck?

I've skipped from philanthropy vs. living your life as the primary goal to being too selfish to have a kid. You either need to lay off the booze or think before speaking.

If it's someone I love, I will bend over ass-backward for them. But would I be willing to give up everything to spend every moment helping others? No. But neither would you sweetheart. And as for a kid, I refuse to comment on my ability to take care of one, least of all when it comes to one of my own.

This is exactly why I refuse to be open and share my thoughts and feelings. Ever since I was 16 or 17, I read that it was one person's opinion that the best life is a life of meditation/contemplation and that the point of it all was to make the most of everything we had, to really learn as much as we could. I really believe in that and that's who I am. Of course, if this is dismissed as being selfish, then well, fuck you.

I don't for a minute feel like I don't want to give back but even that is on my own terms yeah? I can't agree with the Mother Teresa approach of building a shelter for people to live. Yes, it's important,but if I had a million bucks, I'd want to give it all to kids who want to go to school, to people trying to make renewable energy to save the planet, to preserving forests, to fostering animals treated brutally...that's my brand, that's how I want to do it, it ties in with what I believe in.

But yes, right now, the most important thing to me is to learn as much as I can, it gives me a rush. And I'm sorry if I'm not one of those 25 year olds who wants to "give back" (in the sense that others mean it).

Are you really telling me that everyone is out to change the world? Then fuck business school, go and volunteer. Don't tell me B-school isn't about getting a better paying job, that's bull-fucking-hypocritical-shit, how will working with a bulge bracket change the world?

Yeesh, so much for honesty


Things I have bought:

· Photoshop CS3

· Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life's Most Important Skill by Mathieu Ricard

· The Digital Photography Book, Volume 2, by Scott Kelby

· The Adobe Photoshop CS3 Book for Digital Photographers by Scott Kelby

· SanDisk CF II Flash Card


New Movies:
Juno -- yet to watch this film but I do like Cerra, ever since Arrested Development
Spirited Away -- yet to see
Across the Universe -- yet to see, but quite kicked about it, set to Beatles music, trippy and recommended by the Short One
Charlie Wilson's War -- yet to see, came across and HBO special, was curious
Sin City -- Frank Miller! Hard to turn down
Driving Miss Daisy -- surprisingly, yet to see
The Lives of Others -- brilliant, the lead apparently died shortly afterward but he did an absolutely brilliant job. And the movie itself feels like the period it's set in, a period of the thought-police, stolid actors, grey, reserved, I loved it
The Fountain -- now this was interesting and very very trippy. It's, I suppose, a love story across forever mixed in with science fiction
The Transformers -- oh come now, okay yeah, I loved them as a kid but this movie is pretty faithful to the storyline and I know people who hadn't of the Transformers and still liked the's one of those that's a decent action flick, not just stuff blowing up but a rush nonetheless, kinda like AvP and yes, before you snobs roll your eyes, a decent movie too
Mostly Martha -- the original of the vapid Catherine Zeta flick, No Reservations. Plus it has Gedeck, the actress from The Lives of Others...cute without being sappy


New music:

Boy with a Coin – Iron & Wine

Hey Ya – Obadiah Parker

Idioteque – Obadiah Parker

Old Number Seven – The Devil Makes Three

Music is my Hot Hot Sex – CSS

Funeral Dress – William Fitzsimmons

One Big Holiday -- My Morning Jacket

Violin with Inka One – Paul Dateh

No Diggity – The Klaxons

The Way I Am – Ingrid Michaelson

The Long Walk Back – Just Off Turner

Nothin – Woven

Disappear – Kaitee Page

Hunting for Witches – Bloc Party (Ruckus Robotic version)

Getcha Girl – The Moon & Monday

My Friends – Stereophonics

Ashes to Ashes – David Bowie

Bohemian Like You – The Dandy Warhols

Creep – Radiohead

I Hate Camera – The Bird & the Bee

Diablo Rojo – Rodrigo y Gabriela

None Shall Pass – Aesop Rock

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