Monday, March 17, 2008

Ten Feet Deep

I am quite terrified at the moment. So I worked hard to get where I am, work at a hedge fund, do well and make some money. Great. Now I am throwing it apparently or so it seems right now to move to India without a job (Why? Because I don’t have an MBA so they can’t hire me) to try and find a job in microfinance for a while applying to business school.
Also, given the economy, b-school will be very competitive next year. So I have to apply to LBS, INSEAD, IIM and ISB as well in addition to the US Schools. And not just the first picks but the safeties as well.

I feel utterly fucked right now and I hate this feeling. It makes me nauseous, throwing away the familiar for the unknown, wondering if I am making a mistake that will last two years or so. I know I can work my ass off but it’s trying to find the opportunity.

I am leaving a city I know for one that has changed or one which is completely unfamiliar, a job that I was so happy with in the past for nothingness and a visa that keeps me away from the US unless I get into business school.

I just wish I could find some reassurance that I am doing the right thing, that things will work out, that I will be able to make something of this, that I will find work with a good microfinance place, I will study for the GMAT, get all the help I can on essays, get good reccomendations and next August be back in the US for business school, and then take things from there.

Instead, it’s that same feeling as holding on to the sluice at the deep end of the pool, when you look down, you just see your legs and can’t make out the bottom, that split second before your fingers let go and you start paddling, knowing that nothing can go wrong, that you know how to swim but unable to shake that nagging feeling that something will reach from below and pull you under and you wont be able to keep your nose above the surface.

Its…the kind of feeling that leaves you with an aching jaw at clenching too tight in your sleep, with the covers on the ground since you kicked them off, of looking in your face and trying to find the answers, searching every part of your mind to find a way out, to find a calm voice telling you not to worry and that it will be fine and not hearing anything back, finding meaning and something to hold on to and some kind of support, heck anything

Then again, as my father put it, he moved to India in his thirties without a job, a family and two kids and he still managed to make something of it.

I suppose I need to find my own strength and just snap out of this funk myself. I guess I’m in this situation partly to realize I can make something of an opportunity, to know that I can still get to where I want to be and allow for fluid plans and that I can handle this on my own

I suppose everything happens for a reason.

Or maybe that’s just what they tell you

Either ways, if anyone knows of microfinance opportunities in India, I have a great guy who, if nothing else, knows how to work his butt off and yeah, is crazy about learning as much as possible


Anonymous said...

You have to be my long lost sibling or something, just a few years younger. Having just went through the GMAT and b-school apps, I am planning to take the same route as your are. INSEAD and LBS, not to mention ISB are not 'as easy' as you might think. I know a desi guy from a big I-bank couldn't cut it through even ISB with a 700+, M.S and stellar recs. Post a comment with your email id or holla back at me.pankaj AT gmail DOT com if you want to discuss more.

Artful Badger said...

quite funny
i work at a hedge fund
have the same bloody id
and was thinking of working in microfinance when i thought my job would blow up