Fucking Frustration

Am feeling rather frustrated right now. Last night went out to a friends place and got boomed (while making $3 in poker). But the thing was everyone wanted to go out party. And I don't. I think I'm on a break from this. It's the same thing. It's going out, getting drunk, barely being able to have an intelligible conversation, either because of the noise or the booze. Every body trying to get some, hang-ups jealousy, all that asme song and dance bullshit.
There has to be more to this. I mean fuck, I love going out with friends and having fun, but it's just that it's the same thing, over and over again, just at a different place.

And another thing, I don't know how much I like booming with too many people around. Either it's my own fucking head that sees through their front and can see rather easily all their insecurities. Fuck, I want insecurity I have mine man! Useless.
(Yeah, I see the selfishness in this statement but fuck this, my space, you don't want to read this go away then)

And another thing bugging me is that a tiny tiny part of me is a bit ruffled at Shortys ex visiting. I mean look, if something has to happen it will. She can tell me that there's nothing there and nothing will happen. And I know that, she has talked about him at length and I do believe her. And I decided not to let baggage from the ex carry over. But it's just that it's so familiar to hear those words, "nothing will happen"
But you kept saying nothing would happen. I'm not mad at you,just want to know why you strung me along saying nothing would happen if now you want to date him instead.
Because I was scared something would and I kept saying it more for myself so nothing would.

And I HATE this insecurity bullshit brought on by one person who at this point probably doesn't give a fuck so for me to be affected by someone now safely in the past just kills me, I fucking HATE it. I used to be the most secure son of a bitch, I was fine with the ex meeting every fucking schmuck under the freaking sun. Of course, I think thanks to her I did wonder if I was holding on to her like an octopus. I didn't think I needed to. Fuck, if you are with someone, there must be good reason and meeting new people shouldn't change that. And now in some warped way, I went is it me??

Fuck that, there are enough Dear John's that have the line it's not you, it's me.
Who the hell buys that shit?! Course it's you!

Ah bollocks. I fucking hate being threatened and I hate not being able to believe people close to me. And I hate most of all the fact that someone else may just be responsible for this in me.

FUCK!!!

(goddamnit, does this ever sound like the diary of a 16 year old high school girl. Fuck it, i'm melancholic and I don't give a damn right now)

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Okay, fuck it, I'm not done. I wish I weren't a little uncomfortable with her ex. And here's the thing, I can see why they are close. Fuck, 5 years is a long time, and if it was your first, then all the more reason. And you can be great friends with the person. And there's history, and common friends and all these firsts.
Arghhhhhhhhh, see I can see myself writing this out, thinking it and it making sense, in my head and on paper. And still there's this fucking niggling I can't seem to fucking expunge.

And of course, being me, I am completely repulsed even entertaining the thought I don't want you hanging out with such-and-such person. So that's not an option. Besides, I wouldn't want to be with someone who would listen to such ramblings.

Fuck it. I think right now am just frustrated trying to find someone around who I can vent to and someone who can say what I need to hear...for the simple reason I can't seem to find the words myself.