Marine Drive in Bombay
Marine Drive in Bombay
In Khotachiwadi, Bombay
In Khotachiwadi, Bombay
(Love the art deco font)
Khotachiwadi, Bombay. Apt given the city.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
The Last Smoke
He slid the door back and the sound, while dull, hit him with its unfamiliarity. He looked out and as his eyes moved down the sky, past the clear blues, he saw its white crest hurtling toward his. Furious white furrows skimmed over the surface, like horses branching out from the main tidal wave, rearing their head forward, falling down as new ones took their place. The water was an angry white.
He heard the screams of the people on the beach as they ran from wave, Hokusai almost had it right. The ocean wasn't undulating across its length and breath. It was as though the horizon had been lined with white and was moving closer and close, bigger and faster. It was this line of white that was so massive it seemed almost still. It was only when he saw its crest getting taller and the horse heads getting sharper did his senses tell him it was moving closer. That and the sound.
"I am going to die", he thought to himself.
"You can either panic or you can dissolve into acceptance and realize nothing can ever change this moment"
"You will die"
"Right". For the first time, things seemed clear. There was no place to go with this realization. It was in it self. It was. There was no A to B. A was A. It was an immutable fact, one moving closer by the second with the power to rips, shred, destroy and obliterate everything around him. Everything around him would cease to be. Everything around him was transient.
He rested his hand on the wooden railing of the balcony. He felt the smooth, beveled edges and realized that some factory some where had set its machines on a tree cut and brought from somewhere else. The tree had grown from a seed. But in under a minute, it would cease to be. It would remain wood, but it would cease to be a railing. Would it cease to exist if it lost its form and function? No, it would still be wood. That was immutable. Bigger, smaller, functional, drift wood, wood was wood. A was A.
A was always A.
He looked up and his eyes gave the slightest of starts, they understood the passage of time, they saw the crest, bigger, taller, nearer. And it wasn't a happy realization of the passage of the time, not the kind when you see a child all grown up and realize the years have gone by. No, no that kind, more so a man who hasn't been near a mirror in years and realizes that his time is up.
But that thought lasted a fraction of a second. After all, thoughts too are transient and rise and fall like waves on the ocean. But then there was this thought, as unflinching and as immutable as the concrete wall of water.
A is A?
Water that wraps itself around you can shred every bit of flesh and rip you in half. Water is always water. And you will die.
He was fine with that. In the span of a few seconds, he made peace with it. There was no point dwelling on the unspoken conversations, the missed connections. They would continue to be, just, without him. As the water and the world would continue to be, just, without him
You are going to die.
All he wanted now was one last cigarette. Now, not the kind the man in front of the execution squad wants. Just the one who has the best seats in the house to the biggest show in his life, the closest he will get to the stage. he has always had an immaculate sense of timing, of finishing the last bite as the TV show ends, of the right amount of juice to compliment his last bite, an exact sense of work to be accomplished in time to go out.
He wants to finish his cigarette. It's not the most important thing in the world. But he wants to. At this moment, nothing matters to him but the time before he dies and the time before the cigarette is stubbed out. By him.
It is in this moment that all sense of control is stripped away from him. Control is an illusion, the sense of calm and making peace? an illusion. A way of reigning in emotions, the panic and the flight instinct. It is the last bastion of humanity in his head, the illusory sense of control. He wants to finish that cigarette. *HE* wants to finish it.
He looks at the ocean and notices how it seems to plough through it self. He looks at this fingers, holding the cigarette and takes another tentative puff. He can't hurry himself. No. He decides. The wave looms over him. It is in that very moment that he realizes he can not finish it and panic sets in. There was no control.
The roar is deafening. A is A. Even if it is drift wood. Even if he is no more.
With clenched fists and white knuckles, he looks at the cigarette. "I got it wrong"
He heard the screams of the people on the beach as they ran from wave, Hokusai almost had it right. The ocean wasn't undulating across its length and breath. It was as though the horizon had been lined with white and was moving closer and close, bigger and faster. It was this line of white that was so massive it seemed almost still. It was only when he saw its crest getting taller and the horse heads getting sharper did his senses tell him it was moving closer. That and the sound.
"I am going to die", he thought to himself.
"You can either panic or you can dissolve into acceptance and realize nothing can ever change this moment"
"You will die"
"Right". For the first time, things seemed clear. There was no place to go with this realization. It was in it self. It was. There was no A to B. A was A. It was an immutable fact, one moving closer by the second with the power to rips, shred, destroy and obliterate everything around him. Everything around him would cease to be. Everything around him was transient.
He rested his hand on the wooden railing of the balcony. He felt the smooth, beveled edges and realized that some factory some where had set its machines on a tree cut and brought from somewhere else. The tree had grown from a seed. But in under a minute, it would cease to be. It would remain wood, but it would cease to be a railing. Would it cease to exist if it lost its form and function? No, it would still be wood. That was immutable. Bigger, smaller, functional, drift wood, wood was wood. A was A.
A was always A.
He looked up and his eyes gave the slightest of starts, they understood the passage of time, they saw the crest, bigger, taller, nearer. And it wasn't a happy realization of the passage of the time, not the kind when you see a child all grown up and realize the years have gone by. No, no that kind, more so a man who hasn't been near a mirror in years and realizes that his time is up.
But that thought lasted a fraction of a second. After all, thoughts too are transient and rise and fall like waves on the ocean. But then there was this thought, as unflinching and as immutable as the concrete wall of water.
A is A?
Water that wraps itself around you can shred every bit of flesh and rip you in half. Water is always water. And you will die.
He was fine with that. In the span of a few seconds, he made peace with it. There was no point dwelling on the unspoken conversations, the missed connections. They would continue to be, just, without him. As the water and the world would continue to be, just, without him
You are going to die.
All he wanted now was one last cigarette. Now, not the kind the man in front of the execution squad wants. Just the one who has the best seats in the house to the biggest show in his life, the closest he will get to the stage. he has always had an immaculate sense of timing, of finishing the last bite as the TV show ends, of the right amount of juice to compliment his last bite, an exact sense of work to be accomplished in time to go out.
He wants to finish his cigarette. It's not the most important thing in the world. But he wants to. At this moment, nothing matters to him but the time before he dies and the time before the cigarette is stubbed out. By him.
It is in this moment that all sense of control is stripped away from him. Control is an illusion, the sense of calm and making peace? an illusion. A way of reigning in emotions, the panic and the flight instinct. It is the last bastion of humanity in his head, the illusory sense of control. He wants to finish that cigarette. *HE* wants to finish it.
He looks at the ocean and notices how it seems to plough through it self. He looks at this fingers, holding the cigarette and takes another tentative puff. He can't hurry himself. No. He decides. The wave looms over him. It is in that very moment that he realizes he can not finish it and panic sets in. There was no control.
The roar is deafening. A is A. Even if it is drift wood. Even if he is no more.
With clenched fists and white knuckles, he looks at the cigarette. "I got it wrong"
The Last Smoke
He slid the door back and the sound, while dull, hit him with its unfamiliarity. He looked out and as his eyes moved down the sky, past the clear blues, he saw its white crest hurtling toward his. Furious white furrows skimmed over the surface, like horses branching out from the main tidal wave, rearing their head forward, falling down as new ones took their place. The water was an angry white.
He heard the screams of the people on the beach as they ran from wave, Hokusai almost had it right. The ocean wasn't undulating across its length and breath. It was as though the horizon had been lined with white and was moving closer and close, bigger and faster. It was this line of white that was so massive it seemed almost still. It was only when he saw its crest getting taller and the horse heads getting sharper did his senses tell him it was moving closer. That and the sound.
"I am going to die", he thought to himself.
"You can either panic or you can dissolve into acceptance and realize nothing can ever change this moment"
"You will die"
"Right". For the first time, things seemed clear. There was no place to go with this realization. It was in it self. It was. There was no A to B. A was A. It was an immutable fact, one moving closer by the second with the power to rips, shred, destroy and obliterate everything around him. Everything around him would cease to be. Everything around him was transient.
He rested his hand on the wooden railing of the balcony. He felt the smooth, beveled edges and realized that some factory some where had set its machines on a tree cut and brought from somewhere else. The tree had grown from a seed. But in under a minute, it would cease to be. It would remain wood, but it would cease to be a railing. Would it cease to exist if it lost its form and function? No, it would still be wood. That was immutable. Bigger, smaller, functional, drift wood, wood was wood. A was A.
A was always A.
He looked up and his eyes gave the slightest of starts, they understood the passage of time, they saw the crest, bigger, taller, nearer. And it wasn't a happy realization of the passage of the time, not the kind when you see a child all grown up and realize the years have gone by. No, no that kind, more so a man who hasn't been near a mirror in years and realizes that his time is up.
But that thought lasted a fraction of a second. After all, thoughts too are transient and rise and fall like waves on the ocean. But then there was this thought, as unflinching and as immutable as the concrete wall of water.
A is A?
Water that wraps itself around you can shred every bit of flesh and rip you in half. Water is always water. And you will die.
He was fine with that. In the span of a few seconds, he made peace with it. There was no point dwelling on the unspoken conversations, the missed connections. They would continue to be, just, without him. As the water and the world would continue to be, just, without him
You are going to die.
All he wanted now was one last cigarette. Now, not the kind the man in front of the execution squad wants. Just the one who has the best seats in the house to the biggest show in his life, the closest he will get to the stage. he has always had an immaculate sense of timing, of finishing the last bite as the TV show ends, of the right amount of juice to compliment his last bite, an exact sense of work to be accomplished in time to go out.
He wants to finish his cigarette. It's not the most important thing in the world. But he wants to. At this moment, nothing matters to him but the time before he dies and the time before the cigarette is stubbed out. By him.
It is in this moment that all sense of control is stripped away from him. Control is an illusion, the sense of calm and making peace? an illusion. A way of reigning in emotions, the panic and the flight instinct. It is the last bastion of humanity in his head, the illusory sense of control. He wants to finish that cigarette. *HE* wants to finish it.
He looks at the ocean and notices how it seems to plough through it self. He looks at this fingers, holding the cigarette and takes another tentative puff. He can't hurry himself. No. He decides. The wave looms over him. It is in that very moment that he realizes he can not finish it and panic sets in. There was no control.
The roar is deafening. A is A. Even if it is drift wood. Even if he is no more.
With clenched fists and white knuckles, he looks at the cigarette. "I got it wrong"
He heard the screams of the people on the beach as they ran from wave, Hokusai almost had it right. The ocean wasn't undulating across its length and breath. It was as though the horizon had been lined with white and was moving closer and close, bigger and faster. It was this line of white that was so massive it seemed almost still. It was only when he saw its crest getting taller and the horse heads getting sharper did his senses tell him it was moving closer. That and the sound.
"I am going to die", he thought to himself.
"You can either panic or you can dissolve into acceptance and realize nothing can ever change this moment"
"You will die"
"Right". For the first time, things seemed clear. There was no place to go with this realization. It was in it self. It was. There was no A to B. A was A. It was an immutable fact, one moving closer by the second with the power to rips, shred, destroy and obliterate everything around him. Everything around him would cease to be. Everything around him was transient.
He rested his hand on the wooden railing of the balcony. He felt the smooth, beveled edges and realized that some factory some where had set its machines on a tree cut and brought from somewhere else. The tree had grown from a seed. But in under a minute, it would cease to be. It would remain wood, but it would cease to be a railing. Would it cease to exist if it lost its form and function? No, it would still be wood. That was immutable. Bigger, smaller, functional, drift wood, wood was wood. A was A.
A was always A.
He looked up and his eyes gave the slightest of starts, they understood the passage of time, they saw the crest, bigger, taller, nearer. And it wasn't a happy realization of the passage of the time, not the kind when you see a child all grown up and realize the years have gone by. No, no that kind, more so a man who hasn't been near a mirror in years and realizes that his time is up.
But that thought lasted a fraction of a second. After all, thoughts too are transient and rise and fall like waves on the ocean. But then there was this thought, as unflinching and as immutable as the concrete wall of water.
A is A?
Water that wraps itself around you can shred every bit of flesh and rip you in half. Water is always water. And you will die.
He was fine with that. In the span of a few seconds, he made peace with it. There was no point dwelling on the unspoken conversations, the missed connections. They would continue to be, just, without him. As the water and the world would continue to be, just, without him
You are going to die.
All he wanted now was one last cigarette. Now, not the kind the man in front of the execution squad wants. Just the one who has the best seats in the house to the biggest show in his life, the closest he will get to the stage. he has always had an immaculate sense of timing, of finishing the last bite as the TV show ends, of the right amount of juice to compliment his last bite, an exact sense of work to be accomplished in time to go out.
He wants to finish his cigarette. It's not the most important thing in the world. But he wants to. At this moment, nothing matters to him but the time before he dies and the time before the cigarette is stubbed out. By him.
It is in this moment that all sense of control is stripped away from him. Control is an illusion, the sense of calm and making peace? an illusion. A way of reigning in emotions, the panic and the flight instinct. It is the last bastion of humanity in his head, the illusory sense of control. He wants to finish that cigarette. *HE* wants to finish it.
He looks at the ocean and notices how it seems to plough through it self. He looks at this fingers, holding the cigarette and takes another tentative puff. He can't hurry himself. No. He decides. The wave looms over him. It is in that very moment that he realizes he can not finish it and panic sets in. There was no control.
The roar is deafening. A is A. Even if it is drift wood. Even if he is no more.
With clenched fists and white knuckles, he looks at the cigarette. "I got it wrong"
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Seattle Cats
Katjie has a rather large purring engine, loves to play with the little plastic band that holds the cap on the milk bottle and had nose cancer. Also, she has a face that makes you want to squish her but sadly, she is not a dog.
Ollie is a one eyed yoga master. I'd pun about the Downward Facing Dog posture but then I'd have to smack myself in the face
Me footling around with light. One of the biggest throwaways from the photography class was that contrast isn't a function of color, black color isnt darker than white in a b/w picture, it's a question of the amount of light. I guess it seems obvious now, but hard to see the world in shades of darkness when there's so much color around.
Back in the Other City
I went to Sri Nagar in between. I haven't written because I didnt feel like it and dealt with hmm, KLM canceling my flight, not telling me, rerouting me through Detroit, rebooking me, traveling with two trolleys through JFK, using the new Air India flight non stop, no smoking, reaching Delhi, going to Sri Nagar, getting an infected sinus (snot like the Styx believe it or not), reaching Delhi, installing self.
So far, just trying to reassemble life. Went for golf, dropped Mum to work, went to Nehru Place in 45 C heat, fixed the internet, fixed the TV, fixed Airtel to instal internet, fixed for guy to come fix shower pump.
Good heavens, I'm tired.
But now for one picture a day. Or at least an attempt at. If any one has suggestions re: what I can do with these pictures to get something concrete on my resume, let me know.
Nothing intelligent at the moment. Most sleepy
But. If you are in Delhi, mail, I'd love to meet bloggers!
So far, just trying to reassemble life. Went for golf, dropped Mum to work, went to Nehru Place in 45 C heat, fixed the internet, fixed the TV, fixed Airtel to instal internet, fixed for guy to come fix shower pump.
Good heavens, I'm tired.
But now for one picture a day. Or at least an attempt at. If any one has suggestions re: what I can do with these pictures to get something concrete on my resume, let me know.
Nothing intelligent at the moment. Most sleepy
But. If you are in Delhi, mail, I'd love to meet bloggers!
Monday, April 07, 2008
Oh Dear
10 Irrational Thoughts Rational People Often Think
Irrational thoughts occasionally occur in the minds of all people. Intelligence does not make someone immune to irrational thought. These thoughts typically clutter our minds with feelings of resentment and distaste. Sometimes they are based on internal defense mechanisms we develop to mitigate personal anger in an attempt to avoid facing the truth about ourselves or our immediate circumstances. If someone imposes stringent expectations related to a stressful issue on themselves or their close companions, irrational thought is likely to set in, and all parties involved will probably experience needless emotional grief.
Passionate perceptions of an event made by someone in distress can seem crazy from a third party perspective. This craziness is simply the sum of stress and irrational thought. These thoughts allow the distressed party to remain the victim while avoiding all situational responsibility. One must learn to break this momentary negative thought process in order to achieve continuous stability in their life and in their relationships.
Here are 10 irrational thoughts that rational people often fall victim to at one point or another:
- Mistakes are never acceptable. If I make one, it means that I am incompetent.
- When somebody disagrees with me, it is a personal attack against me.
- To be content in life, I must be liked by all people.
- My true value as an individual depends on what others people think of me.
- If I am not involved in an intimate relationship, I am completely alone.
- There is no grey area. Success is black and failure is white.
- Nothing ever turns out the way you want it to.
- If the outcome was not perfect, it was a complete failure.
- I am in absolute control of my life. If something bad happens, it is my fault.
- The past always repeats itself. If it was true then, it must be true now.
Your life will be more productive if you learn to avoid this type of negative thinking.
Source: http://www.marcandangel.com/2007/06/06/10-irrational-thoughts-that-rational-people-often-think/
Sunday, April 06, 2008
To Read
10 Things We All Must Figure Out for Ourselves
Learning is merely a component of life, like the limbs of the human body. We can learn a lot from others, but some things in life must be experienced to be truly understood. Below you will find a list of 10 such things, the things we all must figure out for ourselves.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things
you cannot learn any other way.
- Mark Twain
- Love – There is no official guide for falling in love, falling out of love, or dealing with the emotional intricacies of love. Love cannot be taught and it certainly cannot be forced. Love is an instinctual feeling, a powerful sentiment, one we will all find under different circumstances and must each figure out for ourselves.
- Friendship – Some personalities simply click and others clash. Just like love, friendship is a natural process that cannot be forced. Other people can select our acquaintances for us, but over time we will find true friendship on our own. When the conversations are comfortable and relaxed and a mutual feeling of trust is apparent, true friendship has been found.
- Loss – At some point each one of us will experience a loss in life. It could be the death of a loved one, the devastation of personal belongings, or a vicious rejection in our career. Each of us is going to naturally deal with loss in our own unique manner, some taking more time to reflect on it than others. While suggestions can be made, we must figure it out for ourselves, morn if necessary, and move on when we are ready.
- The Short vs. Long Catch-22 – There is a paradox found in various situations where we must choose between short-term and long-term fulfillment. It governs the path we take concerning our aspirations, desires, and available opportunities. Things that seem positive in the short-term can turn sour in the long-term. Likewise, disciplined efforts to meet long-term objectives can lead to a more dull short-term existence. People can try to advise us in specific situations, but we must ultimately figure out how to manage this catch-22 for ourselves across the broad scope of our lives.
- Self-Forgiveness – We all make mistakes. It is an inevitable element of being alive. Since we are undoubtedly our own toughest critic, we sometimes inflict unnecessary self-guilt on our conscious for certain actions we did or did not take. This typically hinders our productivity and happiness. Many self-help instructors attempt to teach self-forgiveness, but every circumstance and individual is slightly different than the next. Experience is the key. General experience in dealing with the process of trial and error across various life circumstances is really what increases our comfort level with making mistakes.
- Life Balance – Living a healthy, rewarding life involves the simple art of balance. We must balance risk vs. reward, family and friends vs. career goals, quantity vs. quality… the list could continue indefinitely. Over time, and with enough experience, we will be able to evaluate any situation, decipher the boundary extremes and find a happy, healthy medium between these extremes.
- Responsibility and Independence – Responsibility is not a quality instinctually instilled in all human beings. Some of us have to work really hard at leading a responsible life. The key is to realize that it is okay to assist someone, but the full burden of a responsibility should never be taken away from its owner. If it is, the owner will never learn, thus becoming forever dependant on others. Cause and effect is the ultimate guide to responsibility. “If I don’t get a job, I won’t have money to buy food.” Our success with responsibility will eventually lead to complete independence.
- Character Identity – “Who am I?” We all have to figure this out for ourselves. Character identity is incredibly difficult to define. We all have ideas in our minds of who we are, who we want to become, or how we want to live. The single greatest gift a human being possesses is free will… our ability to think, make choices, and take action with the decisions we make. These decisions eventually mold the person we are, our character identity.
- Betrayal – Dealing with betrayal usually sends a person on an emotional rollercoaster ride. There is no practical way of preparing for it because every act of betrayal contains a different set of variables. When it happens, we are usually left asking a series of questions. Why? Is there another side to the story? Can we work through this? These are questions only the people involved can answer and deal with.
- Happiness and Success – As I stated in my last post, happiness is doing what you love, and success is excelling at doing what you love. Nobody else can tell us how to be happy or what to love. As we progress through life we uncover these mysteries on our own. Once we have happiness figured out we can map out a course for achieving our own personalized version of success.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Shiny Shiny Stuff
Why is it the books now days, and I don't mean drivel, yes being judgmental but I don't consider Jeffrey Archer a book, it's a novel. So by books these days, well they seemed more adult versions of what kids read in college. Again, I refer to those who read "for pleasure" as one agog girl put it at BC. Anyway, these books have more of a plasticy patent feel to them than the smell of those old books, the smell I like so much.
I want to read those books which stick.
Same can be said for music. Bands seem to come with a shiny cling wrap feel to them, rather than the grittier feel of Led Zepp at Knebworth
I know I really sound like those guys I used to meet at the steps of the college canteen but to be fair, I did give music its place in scheme of things.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Random Drivel
Polar bears can run at 30mph
You can't out run them
So you always want to encounter them with a friend
Then, you don't need to outrun them, just your friend
Ikea has no windows. It's so that you have no idea of the time you have spent in there
The kiwi has the shortest bill of any bird. Technically, you measure the bill from the top to the nose. Since the bird has its nostrils at the tip, it has the shortest nose
Friday, March 21, 2008
You Have *Got* To Get This!
PicLens is brilliant. It just is and I've been dying for a script like this
Monday, March 17, 2008
Ten Feet Deep
I am quite terrified at the moment. So I worked hard to get where I am, work at a hedge fund, do well and make some money. Great. Now I am throwing it apparently or so it seems right now to move to India without a job (Why? Because I don’t have an MBA so they can’t hire me) to try and find a job in microfinance for a while applying to business school.
Also, given the economy, b-school will be very competitive next year. So I have to apply to LBS, INSEAD, IIM and ISB as well in addition to the US Schools. And not just the first picks but the safeties as well.
I feel utterly fucked right now and I hate this feeling. It makes me nauseous, throwing away the familiar for the unknown, wondering if I am making a mistake that will last two years or so. I know I can work my ass off but it’s trying to find the opportunity.
I am leaving a city I know for one that has changed or one which is completely unfamiliar, a job that I was so happy with in the past for nothingness and a visa that keeps me away from the US unless I get into business school.
I just wish I could find some reassurance that I am doing the right thing, that things will work out, that I will be able to make something of this, that I will find work with a good microfinance place, I will study for the GMAT, get all the help I can on essays, get good reccomendations and next August be back in the US for business school, and then take things from there.
Instead, it’s that same feeling as holding on to the sluice at the deep end of the pool, when you look down, you just see your legs and can’t make out the bottom, that split second before your fingers let go and you start paddling, knowing that nothing can go wrong, that you know how to swim but unable to shake that nagging feeling that something will reach from below and pull you under and you wont be able to keep your nose above the surface.
Its…the kind of feeling that leaves you with an aching jaw at clenching too tight in your sleep, with the covers on the ground since you kicked them off, of looking in your face and trying to find the answers, searching every part of your mind to find a way out, to find a calm voice telling you not to worry and that it will be fine and not hearing anything back, finding meaning and something to hold on to and some kind of support, heck anything
Then again, as my father put it, he moved to India in his thirties without a job, a family and two kids and he still managed to make something of it.
I suppose I need to find my own strength and just snap out of this funk myself. I guess I’m in this situation partly to realize I can make something of an opportunity, to know that I can still get to where I want to be and allow for fluid plans and that I can handle this on my own
I suppose everything happens for a reason.
Or maybe that’s just what they tell you
Either ways, if anyone knows of microfinance opportunities in India, I have a great guy who, if nothing else, knows how to work his butt off and yeah, is crazy about learning as much as possible
Also, given the economy, b-school will be very competitive next year. So I have to apply to LBS, INSEAD, IIM and ISB as well in addition to the US Schools. And not just the first picks but the safeties as well.
I feel utterly fucked right now and I hate this feeling. It makes me nauseous, throwing away the familiar for the unknown, wondering if I am making a mistake that will last two years or so. I know I can work my ass off but it’s trying to find the opportunity.
I am leaving a city I know for one that has changed or one which is completely unfamiliar, a job that I was so happy with in the past for nothingness and a visa that keeps me away from the US unless I get into business school.
I just wish I could find some reassurance that I am doing the right thing, that things will work out, that I will be able to make something of this, that I will find work with a good microfinance place, I will study for the GMAT, get all the help I can on essays, get good reccomendations and next August be back in the US for business school, and then take things from there.
Instead, it’s that same feeling as holding on to the sluice at the deep end of the pool, when you look down, you just see your legs and can’t make out the bottom, that split second before your fingers let go and you start paddling, knowing that nothing can go wrong, that you know how to swim but unable to shake that nagging feeling that something will reach from below and pull you under and you wont be able to keep your nose above the surface.
Its…the kind of feeling that leaves you with an aching jaw at clenching too tight in your sleep, with the covers on the ground since you kicked them off, of looking in your face and trying to find the answers, searching every part of your mind to find a way out, to find a calm voice telling you not to worry and that it will be fine and not hearing anything back, finding meaning and something to hold on to and some kind of support, heck anything
Then again, as my father put it, he moved to India in his thirties without a job, a family and two kids and he still managed to make something of it.
I suppose I need to find my own strength and just snap out of this funk myself. I guess I’m in this situation partly to realize I can make something of an opportunity, to know that I can still get to where I want to be and allow for fluid plans and that I can handle this on my own
I suppose everything happens for a reason.
Or maybe that’s just what they tell you
Either ways, if anyone knows of microfinance opportunities in India, I have a great guy who, if nothing else, knows how to work his butt off and yeah, is crazy about learning as much as possible
"The Just"
-- Jorge Luis Borges
A man who cultivates his garden, as Voltaire wished.
He who is grateful for the existence of music.
He who takes pleasure in tracing an etymology.
Two workmen playing, in a cafe in the South, a silent game of chess.
The potter, contemplating a color and a form.
The typographer who sets this page well, though it may not please him.
A woman and a man, who read the last tercets of a certain canto.
He who strokes a sleeping animal.
He who justifies, or wishes to, a wrong done him.
He who is grateful for the existence of Stevenson.
He who prefers others to be right.
These people, unaware, are saving the world
-- Jorge Luis Borges
A man who cultivates his garden, as Voltaire wished.
He who is grateful for the existence of music.
He who takes pleasure in tracing an etymology.
Two workmen playing, in a cafe in the South, a silent game of chess.
The potter, contemplating a color and a form.
The typographer who sets this page well, though it may not please him.
A woman and a man, who read the last tercets of a certain canto.
He who strokes a sleeping animal.
He who justifies, or wishes to, a wrong done him.
He who is grateful for the existence of Stevenson.
He who prefers others to be right.
These people, unaware, are saving the world
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Chasing Dragons
“Here be dragons” wrote the old pirate captain in a rather well worn book I read as a kid.
Or so I imagine. In a show of bravado and the desire to be ever the fearless one to his men, to feign knowledge of the remaining unknown, to conquer the uncharted, he drew dragons in its stead.
There aren’t parts of the world where they could be dragons. People seem to be everywhere, reducing the world and killing the imagination.
We live in a world teeming with activity, a frenetic pace from the first scream as air fills our lungs to the last rasps, perhaps finding rest only in those moments when we accept inevitability. And in between, the Red Queen’s Race. Wake, brush, dress, work, smile, rest, sleep, repeat. And find the time to have meaningful relationships with others…with others.
I still want the places in the world where I can find dragons. I don’t mean this in the same sense as Francis Drake. I’m trying to find a place where I am cut off from the steel snakes underground ferrying millions of lives back and forth, each an individual cookie cutter. I’m trying to plot the unknown in my head, to develop a meaningful relationship with myself.
In no way does this preclude others nor does it demonstrate a self indulgence/obsession.
Or so I imagine. In a show of bravado and the desire to be ever the fearless one to his men, to feign knowledge of the remaining unknown, to conquer the uncharted, he drew dragons in its stead.
There aren’t parts of the world where they could be dragons. People seem to be everywhere, reducing the world and killing the imagination.
We live in a world teeming with activity, a frenetic pace from the first scream as air fills our lungs to the last rasps, perhaps finding rest only in those moments when we accept inevitability. And in between, the Red Queen’s Race. Wake, brush, dress, work, smile, rest, sleep, repeat. And find the time to have meaningful relationships with others…with others.
I still want the places in the world where I can find dragons. I don’t mean this in the same sense as Francis Drake. I’m trying to find a place where I am cut off from the steel snakes underground ferrying millions of lives back and forth, each an individual cookie cutter. I’m trying to plot the unknown in my head, to develop a meaningful relationship with myself.
In no way does this preclude others nor does it demonstrate a self indulgence/obsession.
It’s just that it has been a while since I’ve gone looking to get lost, to sit alone outside some where and feel like people are still building lives, still getting their hands dirty to build something from the ground up.
I am looking for a place where I can be alone, in my head and find the uncharted bits that have developed when I wasn’t looking, the bits that have developed over the past three years, find the dragons and see how fearful they really are and at the very least become acquainted with them.
It’s impossible to plot a course without knowing the gaping holes, without shying away from what’s within.
I want to see myself in perspective with, for the lack of a more romantic word, the planet, to be able to sit on a hill somewhere and look down and out on an endless view with no sign of another human being, to forget and to get lost and see myself as alone and free of everything.
What I hope to achieve from a seemingly idyllic activity is to find that rush, that tiny hint of perspective we get when we sit on a beach alone and see the sun cross the horizon, or look up far from a city to the night sky or lie on our back and see the clouds that drift by, that tiny sliver of perspective of how short life really is and what the point of it may be. The answer isn’t out there or up there either, it’s that tiny click when the piece falls into place, that life really is short and the whole point of it really is to experience as much of it as you can for, in the end, there may be nothingness.
And it’s to experience that unique sense of satisfaction and peace when the cogs finally turn and that unknowable smile spreads itself and when you feel a little bit closer to yourself .
It’s only when you experience that do you realize that a insofar idyllic activity of lying alone somewhere is replete with meaning, that you don’t have to run in one place to find happiness, that lying like that is as full of meaning as working hard or developing a relationship with a person.
It’s when loneliness turns to solitude, when meaning is found in the simplest of things and a smile without reason is good enough.
I am looking for a place where I can be alone, in my head and find the uncharted bits that have developed when I wasn’t looking, the bits that have developed over the past three years, find the dragons and see how fearful they really are and at the very least become acquainted with them.
It’s impossible to plot a course without knowing the gaping holes, without shying away from what’s within.
I want to see myself in perspective with, for the lack of a more romantic word, the planet, to be able to sit on a hill somewhere and look down and out on an endless view with no sign of another human being, to forget and to get lost and see myself as alone and free of everything.
What I hope to achieve from a seemingly idyllic activity is to find that rush, that tiny hint of perspective we get when we sit on a beach alone and see the sun cross the horizon, or look up far from a city to the night sky or lie on our back and see the clouds that drift by, that tiny sliver of perspective of how short life really is and what the point of it may be. The answer isn’t out there or up there either, it’s that tiny click when the piece falls into place, that life really is short and the whole point of it really is to experience as much of it as you can for, in the end, there may be nothingness.
And it’s to experience that unique sense of satisfaction and peace when the cogs finally turn and that unknowable smile spreads itself and when you feel a little bit closer to yourself .
It’s only when you experience that do you realize that a insofar idyllic activity of lying alone somewhere is replete with meaning, that you don’t have to run in one place to find happiness, that lying like that is as full of meaning as working hard or developing a relationship with a person.
It’s when loneliness turns to solitude, when meaning is found in the simplest of things and a smile without reason is good enough.
Monday, March 03, 2008
Blog by Nmbers
Ten Things You Wish You Could Say To People Right Now
1. I love you, sleep well and I'll be there to take care of you before you know it
2. No, it isn't all that it's cracked up to be here. Yes, it's a great city but awfully lonesome
3. I'm sorry. Yes, I did hurt you and I see now it was best that we went our own way. But I still like talking to you
4. I feel really sad that I missed seeing you grow up and that you are a person I barely know. But I hope to change that
5. Yes but now I'm my own biggest critic. No, it's not fun
6. You shouldn't have said that one needs to go out there and create opportunities. You should have told me the truth
7. Stop being scared of failure, heck, you know that if you don't try, you'll never win
8. I'm sorry I led you to believe I could give you more
9. Don't call your self a feminist. Who you are changes with the boy de jour
10. I promise to never lie to you, even if it means causing you pain
Nine Things About Yourself
1. I live in my head
2. I believe we all chose this life before we were born, the experiences, trials and tribulations were hand picked so that we could learn as much as possible.
3. It takes a long long time to get to know me. I don't know why that is, there seem to be a fair number of reasons
4. I go insane if I am bored. Really
5. I am a geek and proud of it
6. I can wiggle my ears, turn my tongue over, touch the tip of my thumb to the underside of my arm and have size 11 feet
7. I regret spending so much time being conscious of others
8. I am a planner and even know details of the house I want to build one day. On the whole, this may lead to much unhappiness if I fail to get what I think will make me happy
9. I am very stubborn, obstinate and all around a difficult person to date. I can have this sufficiently proven. Heck, I wouldn't date me. But then again, I am one of the more interesting people I know so yes, I think I have a bit of an ego
:)
Eight Ways To Win Your Heart
1. Give me space when I need it. I treasure the time spent alone when I need it, just to regain balance
2. Rationally explain things to me when I'm doing my headless chicken impression
3. Talk to me, lapses of silence from my end mean something is bothering me and I would like to know you are there
4. Come to me with your problems because that makes me feel I can take care of you
5. Talk to me about stuff I am interested in. If I get all jabbery, that means you piqued my curiosity
6. Witty come backs are always appreciated
7. Appreciate the music I love, it's not necessary but doesn't hurt!
8. Give me a handwritten note. I promise to save it
Seven Things That Cross Your Mind A Lot
1. Where will I be at the end of the year
2. Will I get in to a B-school program I like
3. When can I have a normal relationship
4. How do I occupy my time
5. Will I make us happy
6. Will I rebound back if I do fall
7. Why wont the cable wire stay under the clip and how does it come undone every three days?
Six Things You Regret
1. Being an introvert in school
2. Being scared of getting hurt and not acting on things sooner
3. Being a slacker when it came to exercise
4. Being emotionally unavailable to the people closets to me
5. Over thinking things
6. Being insecure
Five Turn-Off's
1. Bad nails
2. Bad breath
3. An idiotic glaze when I talk about anything that may just be interesting
4. An attractive person who knows it and uses it as their biggest asset
5. Snooty people when it comes to social circles
Four Turn-On's
1. The smell on her as she gets out of the shower
2. A genuine, loud laugh
3. Her voice in my ear telling me things no one else is supposed to hear
4. Lips that aren't just a thing, straight line
Three Things You Want To Do Before You Die
1. Walk the 750km pilgrimage across northern Spain
2. Have a photography exhibition
3. Go up a mountain away from everything, sit alone and feel anonymous
Two Smileys that Describe You
1. :D
2. 8-o
One Confession
1. Read the blog
1. I love you, sleep well and I'll be there to take care of you before you know it
2. No, it isn't all that it's cracked up to be here. Yes, it's a great city but awfully lonesome
3. I'm sorry. Yes, I did hurt you and I see now it was best that we went our own way. But I still like talking to you
4. I feel really sad that I missed seeing you grow up and that you are a person I barely know. But I hope to change that
5. Yes but now I'm my own biggest critic. No, it's not fun
6. You shouldn't have said that one needs to go out there and create opportunities. You should have told me the truth
7. Stop being scared of failure, heck, you know that if you don't try, you'll never win
8. I'm sorry I led you to believe I could give you more
9. Don't call your self a feminist. Who you are changes with the boy de jour
10. I promise to never lie to you, even if it means causing you pain
Nine Things About Yourself
1. I live in my head
2. I believe we all chose this life before we were born, the experiences, trials and tribulations were hand picked so that we could learn as much as possible.
3. It takes a long long time to get to know me. I don't know why that is, there seem to be a fair number of reasons
4. I go insane if I am bored. Really
5. I am a geek and proud of it
6. I can wiggle my ears, turn my tongue over, touch the tip of my thumb to the underside of my arm and have size 11 feet
7. I regret spending so much time being conscious of others
8. I am a planner and even know details of the house I want to build one day. On the whole, this may lead to much unhappiness if I fail to get what I think will make me happy
9. I am very stubborn, obstinate and all around a difficult person to date. I can have this sufficiently proven. Heck, I wouldn't date me. But then again, I am one of the more interesting people I know so yes, I think I have a bit of an ego
:)
Eight Ways To Win Your Heart
1. Give me space when I need it. I treasure the time spent alone when I need it, just to regain balance
2. Rationally explain things to me when I'm doing my headless chicken impression
3. Talk to me, lapses of silence from my end mean something is bothering me and I would like to know you are there
4. Come to me with your problems because that makes me feel I can take care of you
5. Talk to me about stuff I am interested in. If I get all jabbery, that means you piqued my curiosity
6. Witty come backs are always appreciated
7. Appreciate the music I love, it's not necessary but doesn't hurt!
8. Give me a handwritten note. I promise to save it
Seven Things That Cross Your Mind A Lot
1. Where will I be at the end of the year
2. Will I get in to a B-school program I like
3. When can I have a normal relationship
4. How do I occupy my time
5. Will I make us happy
6. Will I rebound back if I do fall
7. Why wont the cable wire stay under the clip and how does it come undone every three days?
Six Things You Regret
1. Being an introvert in school
2. Being scared of getting hurt and not acting on things sooner
3. Being a slacker when it came to exercise
4. Being emotionally unavailable to the people closets to me
5. Over thinking things
6. Being insecure
Five Turn-Off's
1. Bad nails
2. Bad breath
3. An idiotic glaze when I talk about anything that may just be interesting
4. An attractive person who knows it and uses it as their biggest asset
5. Snooty people when it comes to social circles
Four Turn-On's
1. The smell on her as she gets out of the shower
2. A genuine, loud laugh
3. Her voice in my ear telling me things no one else is supposed to hear
4. Lips that aren't just a thing, straight line
Three Things You Want To Do Before You Die
1. Walk the 750km pilgrimage across northern Spain
2. Have a photography exhibition
3. Go up a mountain away from everything, sit alone and feel anonymous
Two Smileys that Describe You
1. :D
2. 8-o
One Confession
1. Read the blog
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Big Swinging Dick, Customer Support
So I had an interview today, wasn't too keen on the firm but what the heck.
And I was right, the guy was a big swinging dick, smart I'm sure but a dick nonetheless. I don't know how this happens to people. I know certain things are genetic, like sexual orientation (contrary to Republics quip of it being a "life choice"...right Sen. Larry Craig who even now insists he isnt gay, it was just him "sinning"...ass. Or how about those who are "cured" of homosexuality...it's called "denial" you shmucks and of course the bigger gits are the ones around them who has instilled this sense that heterosexuality is the only natural state. Bring back the Greeks I say...without the underage sex though this begs the argument of what is considered morally acceptable and honestly, there's no one I have met who hasn't looked at me as though I was a nut job when I spoke about the topic. I digress)
But how does this guy grow up to be a dick? Betchya his head gets bigger when he pops in a blue pill
Anyway. Also, I love Bose. So I got the gorgeous headphones but now, thanks to frequent use, they have developed that horrible problem those stolen British Airways headphones they used to sell in Nehru Place for Rs. 200 had -- the sound goes off and comes back when you jiggle the wire. My grand dad has a drawerful of headphones witht he wires running into the headset, all scotchtaped up. I kid you not. It looks like an amateur dried to put them through the mummification process.
I remember once, we got him a new pair just to find them taped up three days later. Further investigation revealed he had taped them up in *anticipation*. Preemptive strike what?!
Anyway, these earphones have the same problem now. However
* Bose has a support number clearly listed on the site. You don't have to go through a myriad of links to find it (hear that Cingular you bastards!! And doubletime for you Time Warner you sodden c****)
* The phone menu options are at most three as opposed to me having to sit with a post-it to write down the options as I go along to avoid it should i get cut (hear me Cingular you assholes!)
* The guy is polite (TimeWarner, wtf??)
* The guy *asks* for a number *he* can call *me* back on!! Holy crap, gimme some stock, I love this company I really do!
* It took 4 minutes to set up an exchange. I could weep
* I told him I may be leaving the country soon -- turn around time, two weeks and shipping any where in the world. On them. For the trouble they caused me.
When you buy a product, say like a computer or Windows, the relationship ends as you walk out the door. With Bose and Apple, it begins with buying their product.
How sappy do I sound? But I really do love them
And I was right, the guy was a big swinging dick, smart I'm sure but a dick nonetheless. I don't know how this happens to people. I know certain things are genetic, like sexual orientation (contrary to Republics quip of it being a "life choice"...right Sen. Larry Craig who even now insists he isnt gay, it was just him "sinning"...ass. Or how about those who are "cured" of homosexuality...it's called "denial" you shmucks and of course the bigger gits are the ones around them who has instilled this sense that heterosexuality is the only natural state. Bring back the Greeks I say...without the underage sex though this begs the argument of what is considered morally acceptable and honestly, there's no one I have met who hasn't looked at me as though I was a nut job when I spoke about the topic. I digress)
But how does this guy grow up to be a dick? Betchya his head gets bigger when he pops in a blue pill
Anyway. Also, I love Bose. So I got the gorgeous headphones but now, thanks to frequent use, they have developed that horrible problem those stolen British Airways headphones they used to sell in Nehru Place for Rs. 200 had -- the sound goes off and comes back when you jiggle the wire. My grand dad has a drawerful of headphones witht he wires running into the headset, all scotchtaped up. I kid you not. It looks like an amateur dried to put them through the mummification process.
I remember once, we got him a new pair just to find them taped up three days later. Further investigation revealed he had taped them up in *anticipation*. Preemptive strike what?!
Anyway, these earphones have the same problem now. However
* Bose has a support number clearly listed on the site. You don't have to go through a myriad of links to find it (hear that Cingular you bastards!! And doubletime for you Time Warner you sodden c****)
* The phone menu options are at most three as opposed to me having to sit with a post-it to write down the options as I go along to avoid it should i get cut (hear me Cingular you assholes!)
* The guy is polite (TimeWarner, wtf??)
* The guy *asks* for a number *he* can call *me* back on!! Holy crap, gimme some stock, I love this company I really do!
* It took 4 minutes to set up an exchange. I could weep
* I told him I may be leaving the country soon -- turn around time, two weeks and shipping any where in the world. On them. For the trouble they caused me.
When you buy a product, say like a computer or Windows, the relationship ends as you walk out the door. With Bose and Apple, it begins with buying their product.
How sappy do I sound? But I really do love them
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