It doesnt get any easier

Disappointment.

I suppose all that is different is I will wallow less. But god does it not feel good.

I put in three beautifully laborious days of hard work, I pulled out all the stops to give it my best. And I honestly believe I did. I know I did.

So does that mean my best wasn't good enough? How do I reconcile myself with that. And 2010 was supposed to be the best year yet. There are 6 weeks left. Best year my ass.

Yes, I know I have a million things to be grateful for and I am. I really am. But.

It doesn't feel good. I really tried. And unfortunately I let in some hope. Not a lot. Not once did I think oh if I got it. But it went well, it really did.

I don't know how I'm going to pull this off, I don't know where I'm going to land and if it's going to be on my feet.

Well, as always, will let this be a swift kick in the ass and will push myself more I guess, what else is there.

I know I'm going to rebound faster than before, that's the only thing I do take away each time. But god does it feel raw.

Old Friends

There's a special kind of pleasure in catching up. It's nostalgia without.
It's remembering.
It reminds you of who you were and where you have come from. I said something of the sort, 4 years back. And that in itself triggers remembering.

Of course, some times it's just remembering. The way I'm voicing it now is a function of how I choose to approach it. Truism but a defense against the accusation of drama/romanticizing something.

But perhaps it's that self indulgent pleasure of being able to romanticize and of having something to romanticize. Of course, it was a bunch of 20 somethings…teenagers actually but in the process of growing up.

And I've said this before, growing up is volatile, high deviations, peaks and wallows. Growing up is reducing that volatility. Mellowing down is an appropriate description if by that you mean having a better sense of control and kilter.

But coming back to the point (which is influenced by Chicago by Sufjan Stevens) is that remembering is fun. It's remembering how you felt back when. It's different. And I do like having the people who remind me of that still be there.

What is it that I miss? Angsty rubbishy stuff? The newness of feeling? Ooo. That. The newness of feeling. Of emotion. That. Was it good or healthy? That's a value judgement. It was and well, it was.

mmm, There is an End by The Greenhornes
aaah, even better: Trouble by Hope Sandoval of Mazzy Star ness

I'm happy. Things are exciting right now. And I love that feeling. It's the same / different newness. Sameness but approached differently.

Selfconfidence, belief, faith ==?

Doubt is the biggest opponent to faith. Think about it

The moment you begin to doubt something, the pure faith you put it in it disappears. [Edit: so does innocence. I would define innocence as the blind faith in something to the level where it were knowledge. Hence, Adam and Eve were 'innocent' in that they had pure belief in the world as created by god that it were knowledge]

For instance, we all knew the earth was flat. Then one day, someone might have asked, well, what if it weren't. Perhaps a small example thrown in.

Forget that, what about the absolute belief we could never have ever from the lower primates (98% identical genetic material be damned). But what if one person with some semblance of the rational asked, what if we did? It takes some degree of, I can't say courage because if you are a rational person, you will indulge in self doubt so it's a logical phenomenon that indicates upward to some rationale, perhaps the purest form of rationale being able to indulge in self doubt not afraid that if all examples but one proved otherwise, you would/could come to find the courage to question it. Okay then what if it took one person to have that courage/rationale to believe that *thusfar* all examples pointed in one direction but yet one remained, you could have a logical base for questioning

What the fuck is my point

The point: Do i have to feign ignorance of my (lack of) abilities to have self-confidence or can I have both together; can I know my short comings and yet be self-confident? The inference is that to have self-confidence you have to KNOW that you are perfect and infallible. So how are you self confident? Well, you need to have some belief in the fact. (BELIEF) that past history is evidence enough.

Thusfar?

Ugh.

[Edit: either 'ugh' at the logic of that statement OR that the assumptions are faulty. In hind sight, it's the latter]

So yes,, you have to BELIEVE that past precedence is representative and hence, you must have the ABILITY to deal with stuff and hence, not a belief in that you will know it all but that you can figure it out is the root of self confidence.

[Edit: bullshit]

I hope no one has to read all this and try and understand it.

I need to go back and edit the stream.

I take it all back. Self confidence stems from the faith in your ABILITY to deal with stuff, not know stuff. No one knows everything. But a few people deal with everything. How? Because they can. And they build on each one. So why shouldn't/can't I? I've gone through it. It's just a question of converting each non-step into a lesson and trying again.

Braindfood, nom nom nom

Bluuurrghhhhhh (vomit sound)

Emotionally that is.

Stress comes in all shapes and sizes. From R checking facebook when she should be getting ready to realizing I don't have enough money for school, need a loan not only to cover me but us. $40-$50k of it.

Hence the vomit sound.

Speaking of shapes and sizes, the reaction is overblown but still scaled to size. So it ranges from irritation and a restless leg to running as much as possible until I feel like collapsing.

But like HH said, respond don't react. I'm going to try and remember that.

Also, I hate the exhaustion and I am a lazy person but I'm getting the whole running thing. It gives me some degree of control (wry: a common thread over the years has been trying to wrest control or some small measure thereof). And it's free.

So. To economize (and so that when I do make money, I can reflect and feel that I've gotten some where), sandwiches for lunch (PB&J, banana and honey), no more Coke/Beer but water. It's free.

I am writing all over the place.

I need my parents to be a source of support rather than stress. I think my mother over stressed my mistakes that now I am scared of taking risks that may lead to failure/mistakes. And I don't like that. But I can either be a product of my perceived circumstance or wrest control. Again, it's the recurring theme isn't it.

I don't like being broke, again I dont want millions but I just dont want to have to worry. I need to find a personal finance management tool.

I dont have much to say but I want to get something out. I am trying to.

Of the expenses that I don't regret, concerts. The National last week which was brilliant! A whole new obsession ensues, especially for 'Apartment Story', 'Abel' and 'Mr. November'. Ooo oo, and a day after my folks leave, MGMT followed by Ratatat.

Also loving Hot Chip and Fol Chen at the mo.

I miss my friends. I miss being home. But at the same time I am quite loving my new job/internship. It is with a start up L/S equity fund with an experienced founder and I am one of two analysts, certainly the most senior. He wants to open offices in HK and India and that's exactly the trajectory I hope for. So who knows, we'll see where this goes.

As for books, quite loving India: A History by John Keay and I do want to get the Thousand Autums of Jakob d'zoot or howumsoever that is spelled. It's historical fiction about a guy worked for the Dutch on a remote island in Japan in the 1700s when that tiny island was the only point of contact between the Japanese and the rest of the world. I listened to an interview with the author on NPR and he talks of an incredible isolation on the island; there was no contact with the rest of the world, only a handful of foreigners working for the company, no books from the Outside, no letters, no news.

And I love NPR. Am devouring Fast Money, the book podcast, All songs considered, all things considered, wait wait dont tell me and This american life.

I'm tired. Mad men tonight and a conversation with my father about money. I feel blue. I need to laugh. I think you can't feel scared/sad when you laugh. Those endorphins, gimme some.

What I Want

Not much actually, neither a big 'Beamer' nor a massive house. I'm not greedy. But there are some things I want from this life.

-- I want to life a satisfying life. I don't want to work 24x7. I want to travel and read and think and learn. And I want to save enough so that I can do that and not worry.

But lets start small. Let's start with something I can get tomorrow and the day after and thereafter.

-- I want to sleep every night a tired person. It means I did something and I did it with everything I have and it was worth doing and I did it.

-- I want to get control over things I can control. It's not that hard is it? To eat healthy, run, smoke less. And they are worth doing. I can't think of a logical reason not to.

I've never applied logic to think and I surprise myself because I like being logical. I never got on hard drugs even when I could have because the weed hazed logic was inarguable: its not good so don't do it. So why not it IS good, do it.

-- I don't want to be afraid of things, of the unknown. I've survived it very well in the past. What HAS changed though is responsibility. Before it was me in the rocking boat making waves. Now there are two of us.

What does that mean? More thought, more planning. But the advantage is I have two people to steer this bloody boat (one to throw water over the side and another to paddle). I need to take more advantage of this.

-- I don't want to be so reactive any more. But it stems from the previous point so why belabor it.

-- I can't carry any more baggage, whatever it is, any more. Even I'M fed up with it.

I need to summarize, it's still all swirly.

Control.

Talk more.

Think more.

Do more.

Stop the memory of the shortcomings from coming in the way of new learning.

Work more.

What I HAVE managed to do:

actively (at times) chosen to be happy. Been capable to some degree of having a relationship that works better than I would have thought myself capable of (not that im looney but that I can rise up ... at times though tonight isn't one of them).

I know it takes a Herculean effort to effect change and direct my life. What I now need to do is recognize that it IS possible. No, not every time but it is possible. I did that with school and being back in the City. I did that with my personal life.

That happened through sheer effort and without much focus. But it did happen. What if I could focus that effort?

I'm back

in the city. That. Is odd.

I didn't quite things would actually work out the way they would. Not very used to things happening just right. But that's because there's something in common again: it was a series of random events that some how I managed to influence. Or perhaps worked out in spite of.

I got married. But again, there were random pieces that were falling into place and I was unaware of how they moved things. But I'm back in the City with laughter and not forgetting. Because I love her, love fighting and laughing and ("you're annoying")

("I hate you")

This is an announcement

("stop clambering over me")

("I feel like Mt Everest when you do that")

"I feel like someone from Mad Men, you know, throwing out lines."

"We both know out of the two us, I'm the one throwing lines"

Yes, sharing my life with her. And its good.

What else?

I'm in school and loving it like I never did before. Concerts in parks, visits to the Big Gay Ice Cream Truck, pot, work, music, the weather. It's good.

I don't feel like writing a post catching up my life. I was there.

It's not been easy. But it's been worth it. And I am happy. At least in the moments I'm not in the banal (I can hear her clearing up the sink. And no, we take turns. It's just that I wash the dishes as soon as I'm done. She waits until before bed.)

Or in the moments I worry about the future. But I do feel like writing again. Like running, it takes some effort. But its good.

There's a lot that is good. May be there always was, I was just too self-indulgent to notice it. I will continue to be self-indulgent. Just not all the time.

Also, I write in staccato because I feel like it. But then again, I just saw Mad Men. And what did Don do this time.

His secretary.

Zing