Bluuurrghhhhhh (vomit sound)

Emotionally that is.

Stress comes in all shapes and sizes. From R checking facebook when she should be getting ready to realizing I don't have enough money for school, need a loan not only to cover me but us. $40-$50k of it.

Hence the vomit sound.

Speaking of shapes and sizes, the reaction is overblown but still scaled to size. So it ranges from irritation and a restless leg to running as much as possible until I feel like collapsing.

But like HH said, respond don't react. I'm going to try and remember that.

Also, I hate the exhaustion and I am a lazy person but I'm getting the whole running thing. It gives me some degree of control (wry: a common thread over the years has been trying to wrest control or some small measure thereof). And it's free.

So. To economize (and so that when I do make money, I can reflect and feel that I've gotten some where), sandwiches for lunch (PB&J, banana and honey), no more Coke/Beer but water. It's free.

I am writing all over the place.

I need my parents to be a source of support rather than stress. I think my mother over stressed my mistakes that now I am scared of taking risks that may lead to failure/mistakes. And I don't like that. But I can either be a product of my perceived circumstance or wrest control. Again, it's the recurring theme isn't it.

I don't like being broke, again I dont want millions but I just dont want to have to worry. I need to find a personal finance management tool.

I dont have much to say but I want to get something out. I am trying to.

Of the expenses that I don't regret, concerts. The National last week which was brilliant! A whole new obsession ensues, especially for 'Apartment Story', 'Abel' and 'Mr. November'. Ooo oo, and a day after my folks leave, MGMT followed by Ratatat.

Also loving Hot Chip and Fol Chen at the mo.

I miss my friends. I miss being home. But at the same time I am quite loving my new job/internship. It is with a start up L/S equity fund with an experienced founder and I am one of two analysts, certainly the most senior. He wants to open offices in HK and India and that's exactly the trajectory I hope for. So who knows, we'll see where this goes.

As for books, quite loving India: A History by John Keay and I do want to get the Thousand Autums of Jakob d'zoot or howumsoever that is spelled. It's historical fiction about a guy worked for the Dutch on a remote island in Japan in the 1700s when that tiny island was the only point of contact between the Japanese and the rest of the world. I listened to an interview with the author on NPR and he talks of an incredible isolation on the island; there was no contact with the rest of the world, only a handful of foreigners working for the company, no books from the Outside, no letters, no news.

And I love NPR. Am devouring Fast Money, the book podcast, All songs considered, all things considered, wait wait dont tell me and This american life.

I'm tired. Mad men tonight and a conversation with my father about money. I feel blue. I need to laugh. I think you can't feel scared/sad when you laugh. Those endorphins, gimme some.