What I Want

Not much actually, neither a big 'Beamer' nor a massive house. I'm not greedy. But there are some things I want from this life.

-- I want to life a satisfying life. I don't want to work 24x7. I want to travel and read and think and learn. And I want to save enough so that I can do that and not worry.

But lets start small. Let's start with something I can get tomorrow and the day after and thereafter.

-- I want to sleep every night a tired person. It means I did something and I did it with everything I have and it was worth doing and I did it.

-- I want to get control over things I can control. It's not that hard is it? To eat healthy, run, smoke less. And they are worth doing. I can't think of a logical reason not to.

I've never applied logic to think and I surprise myself because I like being logical. I never got on hard drugs even when I could have because the weed hazed logic was inarguable: its not good so don't do it. So why not it IS good, do it.

-- I don't want to be afraid of things, of the unknown. I've survived it very well in the past. What HAS changed though is responsibility. Before it was me in the rocking boat making waves. Now there are two of us.

What does that mean? More thought, more planning. But the advantage is I have two people to steer this bloody boat (one to throw water over the side and another to paddle). I need to take more advantage of this.

-- I don't want to be so reactive any more. But it stems from the previous point so why belabor it.

-- I can't carry any more baggage, whatever it is, any more. Even I'M fed up with it.

I need to summarize, it's still all swirly.

Control.

Talk more.

Think more.

Do more.

Stop the memory of the shortcomings from coming in the way of new learning.

Work more.

What I HAVE managed to do:

actively (at times) chosen to be happy. Been capable to some degree of having a relationship that works better than I would have thought myself capable of (not that im looney but that I can rise up ... at times though tonight isn't one of them).

I know it takes a Herculean effort to effect change and direct my life. What I now need to do is recognize that it IS possible. No, not every time but it is possible. I did that with school and being back in the City. I did that with my personal life.

That happened through sheer effort and without much focus. But it did happen. What if I could focus that effort?