I haven’t written in a while. I’ve been busy studying for the GMAT and getting in to work at the ungodly hour of 6:30am. Why? Because shit flows downhill and sometimes, you no choice but to eat shit and how at the moon.
And in all this, I have occupied myself to the extent that I have 30 minutes a day to eat and shower and hit the sack. Needless to say, that has left me with very little time to think.
But today was different, at least this morning was. Put it down to a miserable, drizzly, grey Monday morning. That, combined with the conspicuous absence of catharsis or thought of any kind made it necessary to write something, anything, articulate that ‘blah’ feeling, almost as thick as the air this morning.
The Short One commented on my drive. And it’s not the first time someone has brought it up.
Now I know the genesis, my mother who pushed me pretty hard and every time I did well, I got a new book or a cassette I wanted. But once that influence waned, one would have expected the drive to go down. But it hasn’t. If anything, it seems to be there, as defining as ever.
So again, the infernal question: why
The answer, one way or another, woke me up this morning. It’s one of those infrequent mornings where even after 7 hours sleep, I wake up tired but with some odd sense of clarity, the kind you get without even knowing you were asking a question.
I suppose it’s in quest of a “life less ordinary”. At least those were the words so clearly on loop in my head, like a bad record that you are too lazy to get up and turn off so ineffectually throw things at, continually missing until you can’t take it any more. But the words stick.
At first I wondered if it was out of a desire to not be alone in my head so I threw myself into everything I liked. But even when not alone, the desire was always there. So that couldn’t have been the reason.
But again, until I don’t know my limits, how can I possible define the lines around myself, un-fuzzy my outlines?
And I think this is the first time in my life that I literally can do whatever I want. So I am.
Why? Because I can, because it’s there and that’s all the reason I need.
Most things I just do to get by. But there are a few that I find challenging enough for me to lick my chops, bare my teeth and take head on and get that heady rush of working my ass off, but still being able to stand on top of the garbage heap and feel good.
It’s an unparalleled rush, of having done something, the grimace at the start becomes a smile like non other and I love that.
Of course, now to find the wisdom to temper that so that it doesn’t become self destructive, all consuming and drives me into oblivion of other things that matter just as much
So, here’s to figuring it out.