Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Impending Meltdown

Sometimes it does feel like an implosion. It’s when your jaw clenches and your tongue pushes against your teeth, your brow furrows and sometimes long enough it begins to hurt and your fists clench up and your breathing becomes harder and faster.

There are too many question marks and it drives me nuts sometimes I tells ya! It’s like a tightly wound spring and I’m worried one day I make like Mad Max and yippee kai yae down a bomb.

I mean I feel spread out thin, stretched out, trying to cover too much at once. And I mean…okay so how can I give to something knowing it may just blow up in my face. It’s like facing a fucking bull charging at you and you not knowing weather its going to stop or not.

Oh balls, am I being inarticulate. Right now I’m torn between slapping together some cement and laying on the bricks double time around myself to build the bomb shelter as fast as possible. Of course, if I do that, then I drive her away so it’s a self fulfilling prophecy.
If I am to be me, that means giving in to how I feel which means stepping outside, stretching out and lying in the sun with blinkers on and being oblivious to the fact that there may just well be a bomb headed my way.
How on earth am I supposed to give more than I get. At some point I have to go no, that’s not fair? And of course, if I do that, then well, I’m not being me and the outcome is inevitable.

So, either I put myself on the line, or at least my perception of it being a one-way deal or I settle for an unhappy yet knowable ending.

This whole bullshit about taking risks to get what makes you happy, yeah, isn’t that much bull shit!!

Why can’t these things be easy. Don’t give me any Richard Bach mumbo jumbo, shove the crap and cut me some slack goddamnit

Fuck this

I wanna go to Peru. I’ll find myself a herd of llamas…bunch? Flock? Gaggle? Whatever, spend my life eating anticuchos and chasing my llamas up n down the country.
I’ve had it with this I swear and you know what, if I want to throw a tantrum then I fucking well will.

I don’t do this shit under pressure. I can make snap decisions on companies, I can literally do three things at once, I can talk on the cell phone while packing and changing, I can sing in the shower while juggling the soap but I will not do this under pressure!
Under pressure I am a smarmy bastard and that’s not the me me. So what the hell?!

Goddamnit, I am trying to find one simple fucking concept, am I going to spend my life pursuing it. To quote the fucking movie, TJ got it right, every fucking person has to right to pursue it, the sad part being he said they would spend their lives chasing it, perhaps he knew it was something that could only be fucking pursued I swear I feel like breaking something or atleast exploding!

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