Big Swinging Dick, Customer Support

So I had an interview today, wasn't too keen on the firm but what the heck.
And I was right, the guy was a big swinging dick, smart I'm sure but a dick nonetheless. I don't know how this happens to people. I know certain things are genetic, like sexual orientation (contrary to Republics quip of it being a "life choice"...right Sen. Larry Craig who even now insists he isnt gay, it was just him "sinning"...ass. Or how about those who are "cured" of homosexuality...it's called "denial" you shmucks and of course the bigger gits are the ones around them who has instilled this sense that heterosexuality is the only natural state. Bring back the Greeks I say...without the underage sex though this begs the argument of what is considered morally acceptable and honestly, there's no one I have met who hasn't looked at me as though I was a nut job when I spoke about the topic. I digress)
But how does this guy grow up to be a dick? Betchya his head gets bigger when he pops in a blue pill

Anyway. Also, I love Bose. So I got the gorgeous headphones but now, thanks to frequent use, they have developed that horrible problem those stolen British Airways headphones they used to sell in Nehru Place for Rs. 200 had -- the sound goes off and comes back when you jiggle the wire. My grand dad has a drawerful of headphones witht he wires running into the headset, all scotchtaped up. I kid you not. It looks like an amateur dried to put them through the mummification process.
I remember once, we got him a new pair just to find them taped up three days later. Further investigation revealed he had taped them up in *anticipation*. Preemptive strike what?!

Anyway, these earphones have the same problem now. However
* Bose has a support number clearly listed on the site. You don't have to go through a myriad of links to find it (hear that Cingular you bastards!! And doubletime for you Time Warner you sodden c****)
* The phone menu options are at most three as opposed to me having to sit with a post-it to write down the options as I go along to avoid it should i get cut (hear me Cingular you assholes!)
* The guy is polite (TimeWarner, wtf??)
* The guy *asks* for a number *he* can call *me* back on!! Holy crap, gimme some stock, I love this company I really do!
* It took 4 minutes to set up an exchange. I could weep
* I told him I may be leaving the country soon -- turn around time, two weeks and shipping any where in the world. On them. For the trouble they caused me.

When you buy a product, say like a computer or Windows, the relationship ends as you walk out the door. With Bose and Apple, it begins with buying their product.

How sappy do I sound? But I really do love them

Pictures

Daily Drivel

Good morning sportsfaaaaaans!

I can’t remember which movie that’s from, I know it’s from when I was a kid, sprawled out on the brown wall-to-wall carpeting (made by Mr. Walter Wall ladies & gentleman! – kudos and brownie points if you know which book that’s from. Also the promise of a dessert from The Big Chill) of the living room in Saudi Arabia.


Anyway, I digress. I came to a realization. Okay, I read this some where and thought it made sense so im copying, plagiarizing if you will. But, and this time, say it with me, I will quote the truth wherever I find it, even if it’s Snoopy the Dog
(another shot at kudos/brownie points worth 1/10,000th of a cent/dessert from the Big Chill if you know where from or who I am paraphrasing in saying that)

The two active ingredients for procrastination (for me?) are fear and doubt. Which is why whenever I have procrastinated, it’s always been over something that scares me. Maybe this is a universal truth that everyone knows, maybe it’s something now all of two people know, I don’t care or know. But I never understood my procrastination nor the pattern behind it until now.

So. To give up the fear means to jump into it whole heartedly, both feet going kerplunk. Of course fear is sometimes a good thing, it’s the voice of self preservation. But like all good advice, heed it, value it, then make your own decision weighed on the prospects of loss, learning and the potential light at the end of the tunnel.

Also, no plan is written in stone. It’s only when it is fluid can it adapt, can it not disappoint and all in all, lead to a better process.

Fank you

Now for some link love to Stefan Bucher whose video clips on daily monsters is brilliant. Go check site, I have already preordered book (well, it’s in my shopping cart).

Also, new dubstep chappie I was introduced – Burial

Badly Written Post, Just Want To Remind Myself How Things Change

Right so I’m going to try and approximate the verbiage I seem to spew when trying to wrestle with organizing a burst of tangential thoughts:
Okay-‘kay-‘kay-‘kay

It’s been ups n downs including one meltdown listed here. But since then, I have moved on from the position for India (via London for 6mos) with a PE firm. The MD who interviewed me wrote back a whole week after I thanked him for his time. Also, given one of the guys I met in the lobby is a lot older than I, has an MBA and works with KKR, yeah I probably wont get the job. Oh well. Things don’t work out how you always want or so sayeth my personal Yoda the ear hair notwithstanding

I have had one interview with another firm in London but they do stuff I don’t and there’s only so far I can wing it.
But I let it go

I had one with a Singapore hedgie where an Indian woman interviewed me, everything seemed to go swimmingly until (being familiar with the City I grew up in) asked me when I graduated (2000) and then asked how old I was (you aren’t supposed to legally do that you know) but she did ask and when I told her, she went, “Oh”
Not an oh! or even an ohhhhhhhh! or a simple okay
The oh was more the you’re only twentyfiveohmygosh. Yeah, I’m 25 and still answered everything you asked.

I’m sorry but if being young works against me, I cant help it.

Now, I did reach out to another hedgie in NY and the lady described my resume as incredibly interesting (okay! Gimme job then!)
I spoke to the NY guy who said even though they are on a hiring freeze, if they like me, they will take me. So I am meeting the head of research on Friday.

I am also meeting another NY hedgie on Thursday.

I am also meeting a recruiter who knows 4-5 NY places which would be a fit and that’s tomorrow. Boy, did I pick to wrong time for a flu/cold relapse
Sniffle

Now I do have a back up that is a gamble. End of March I move to India and work for a microcredit place for 6-8 months while prepping for the GMAT and working on MBA apps. I then get in (to the MBA school…okay, one of the 5 I like) and then travel. I want to do the 700km trek from France to Spain i.e. the Camino de Santiago. I also want to work in either the wildlife hospital in Greece, the conservatory in Ecuador or the refuge in Bolivia (I love animals, heck I own every Gerald Durrell written and have read each one to know the opening chapter and what follows)

Of course, the gamble is that I do get into the program of my choice else I am stuck

Now, the options in order
The PE firm that sends me to London and then India (they don’t let you start until July which means I can still travel myself)
One of the hedgies in NY for a year, take time off to travel to India, then work with them for a year and apply to B school
Do the microfinance thing and travel

So, if anyone has any leads on microfinance, you got a volunteer here, twenty five and ready to get his hands dirty!

You Know What You Did

there was this tight ball wound up inside me
thats what tightened when i got mad
and some how, you made it disappear
i dont think i can lose my temper in the same stubborn, irrational way any more
you kinda broke something and fixed something bigger


i've never met anyone who can do that

Falling Off the Map

I’ve been thinking and the more I think about it the more it appeals to me. www.solbeam.com gave me the idea. What if I took 4-6 months and just travelled, lived on a shoe string budget, took pictures and then gave my GMAT etc etc?
I have the money, I don’t have a family of my own, yeah, the visa but I don’t know, it’s something that well, there’s something so delicious about it

I'm Tired and I Want to go Home Now Please

I’m struggling to find meaning. If I thought I was in limbo 3 months ago, I feel it now more than ever. Every step is unsure because there’s no way of knowing if it’s the right move or not.

I’m trying desperately to bend my life to go the way I want it to and some how keep getting forced to surrender. And I’m a bit tired of compromising on what I want and what makes me happy.
How long can I keep pressing this way? I’m trying to get to a life that sitting else where, then what can I call what I already have.

Yes, I try and surrender and try and have faith. But it’s hard to do when every bit of me is screaming for opportunities. After all, I know I can work my butt off. What’s a guy who is willing to work 14 hours a day to get good at a job have to do before he gives up and wonders what the hell everyone is really after.

Don’t tell me I need experience, how do I get experience when you aren’t willing to give it to me.

This is frustrating. I had one melt down yesterday and am trying my best to keep a tenacious grip and forge on. But in the end it wears me down. It’s the same thing day after day after day.

All I’m trying to do is get closer home. Why is this so hard? Where is the meaning to all of this? What do I have to do get the opportunity I want? Where are all the answers?

So I had the pleasure of watching what is one of my favorite movies now -- Paris, Je T'aime

I think it's brilliant and the wiki entry does a good job explaining it. So if anyone has seen it, my favorites:

-- the hair salon segment with the bald (!!) sales rep trying to sell product. The thing is, the entire short treats the line, "I love you" like a punch line to a commercial. Someone sat down, through their stone realized that it's become a punch line to sell everything from car insurance to perfume endorsed by the now skanked out Britney my-nipples-point-in-different-directions Spears. So, why not create a commercial selling anything but to fit in with the meme of the movie, have the punch line reverberate around Paris?

He gets there, gives the ladies at the salon a makeover, there's a picture shoot and each frame is a commercial almost for something. In the end, he leaves the head honcho n a flowing black dress, as he walks off into the subway, the evening sun bouncing off his receding bald pate.

The phrase then repeats all over Paris. It's just a punch line, to a product, nothing else.

-- the short where the old man is convincing the younger woman to "leave Gaspard"

"But he won't like it!"

"It's your life, you have to live it...besides, I'll take care of him"

In a continuous frame, we go from an older man planning to have his young mistress leave Gaspard to be with him to it being an old man, advising his daughter to step away from her baby so she can meet friends and have a break from him while the old man, the grandfather takes care of him. It's still love. But just another version.

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Bill Maher sends a black, twenty something female reporter to 'caucus' people. She goes to the "Ah! My Nappy Hair!" Salon in LA and speaks with 6 black women getting their hair done.

It's interesting that it's no longer the pundits spin of gender vs. race. Hilary is NOT a black woman. Woman yes, black no. And why does gender not win out: "I look at her and don't see my mothers strength in her", quips one black woman. So there goes the argument of black women being in a quandary

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The candidates don't even listen to the words of the songs they pick for their campaigns (wait! they have campaign songs now? Yeah, no one told me either)

In '84m Regan wanted to use Born in the USA (and Bruce Springsteen said no but that's another story). The first line of the song is "I woke up in the evening"! That it self reflects poorly and should give you some clue what the song is about -- a cynical Vietnam war vet

Romney used "A Little Less Conversation" by Elvis. The next line is "and a little more action". So, if I read this right, the theme of the party is, "get laid!"?

Hilary is using KT Tunstall's "Suddenly I See" and Barak had will.i.am write him a song which I think is a much better idea

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So I'm watching this show on BBC, Brit comedy it is:

Guy 1: Wow, did you hear about the latest scandal in the US?

Guy 2: Yeah, it's almost as big as Watergate gate

G1: Watergate gate?

G2: Yeah, watergate gate

G1: I think it's just Watergate...

G2: Don't be silly! Watergate means a scandal about water! That's why it's watergate gate

G1: No, actually, I think 'gate comes from Watergate. So you know, it's Camillagate. Like Watergate

G2: Don't be ridiculous, it's not a system where you take the last four letters of the last scandal and apply it to the next one!

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Right so I was watching this program and later they revealed that a woman on it was a porn-star under the moniker Ashlynn Brooke. Now she didn't look like one (not that I am commenting on *how* they are supposed to look) but I wikied her. And in all fairness, to avoid controversy, yes, I did check out the 'images' section on Google. Anyway, I still maintain, that like reading Playboy for the articles, I wikied her. They also had her myspace page.

Now, I have always been fascinated by the divide between facebook and myspace and there is no denying it really does exist.

So, I checked hers out to see who comments on her page. I mean, who would right, add a porn star to be cool or whatever.

Her page is here

You have guy's leaving her rose gif's to thank her for adding them, you have this chap wishing her for valentines day. I mean what do you do, troll myspace friends and leave them scraps? No, I'm sorry, I know I am being judgemental but dude!

Anyway, the point isn't to spit vitriol but I've been fascinated by the divide between facebook and myspace. And it undeniably exists right? So my point is I've moved from one limited circle to another. Delhi has it's own (albeit more democratic than Bombay in the sense more variegated economically than Bombay but still limited). And I realized even Boston comprised rich kids, my school comprised smarter kids than the average demographic of the state, my roommate agreeable from the backwaters was a philosophy major, applying to law school. So not representative.

My point is there is another demographic that I will never be familiar with. Boston, NY, none of them are representative. And such a pity.

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I want to go to places in the world where I can still get lost

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This is beautiful:

And this is hilarious:

Bugger

I've had cable for two and a half years.  I just discovered I get a bunch of channels in HD.

...

I want my money back somebody-owes-me-money!

I feel like Charlie Brown

To Be Succinct...

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”

Oh Oh Oh...

and I forgot to add, check out Louis Theroux here

Some really interesting documentaries on everything from Skinheads, male porn actors, Black Supremists, Gangsta Rap...

This is going to be a long post.
This is going to be a random post.
Consider yourself warned
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I'm back baby!

(Elvis side-to-side hip thrust) Fank you! Fankyouverymuch! Hua!

I'm in a maniacal mood right now! Indian markets fell 12%, Big Ben called for an emergency rate cut, Amy was caught smoking crack, Kenya's unleashed the cops on slum dwellers, Hilary was caught crying, I didn't still find a suitable job…fuck, as REM put it, "it's the end of the world as we know it"

Now, there's nothing I can do but adopt the same attitude as Zaphod Beeblebrox , that cool frood and slap on a smile (or two given the number of heads you may or may not have) and realize that worrying only makes me look older (hmmm, where have I heard that line?)

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www.thesixtyone.com

My new source for new music fix. It has a fake level up that appeals to the gaming geek in me. You get points for logging in each day, for 'discovering' new tracks and they have this chart thing, see, that if you bump up a song, it costs you points but if others bump it up, then you get some points back. The higher up a level you get to be, the more points you get.

The points are probably worth the same in real terms as cigarette money – 10,000^th of a cent. Or this is a place where everything is made up and the points don't matter! Hey!

Plus, it makes a very satisfying pock! sound when it wants to show you how many points you accumulated since your last log in.

Most satisfying I say.

Okay so I just logged in to see how many people liked my music and realized its validation for my taste in music. Still, most satisfying

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http://www.dvdvideosoft.com/

This site has the best YouTube to iPod converter. The quality is the best (of all the rippers out there)

Why would you want this? Because there are some videos that are priceless. For instance

There, see?

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So the job front sucks yeah? I mean I tried finding jobs in India but everyone wants either Indian experience or an MBA. Now, how do I get Indian experience if no one will let me work there? I don't get it.

Anyway, have shifted to looking at London and Singapore as well but still haven't closed off India, let's see how things go.

I had an interview this morning at 5am with the private equity segment of a bulge bracket. This guy was my age and asked me some stuff I didn't know much about. That deflates me. I'm pretty good at what I *do* know and what annoys me is judging someone by what you know rather than trying to get a feel for their ability to pick up stuff. It's so frustrating and even more so because it looks so simple on paper: I want to get a good job in India, where I'm happy and learn as much as I can and am close to the half-pint I love.
Right, 6 months and counting yeah?

I was driving back with BB from Baltimore this past weekend. He has been working for 3 months and is switching jobs. His girlfriend is here and he makes a decent amount, has a new car, lives rent free in Long Island. And he was complaining that he missed his folks, that he wanted to go back to India. He's been here two years. Last year when I told him I wanted to move, he was my biggest critic saying I was insane to leave all this behind. Right. Walk in a persons shoes and all that yeah?

I'm just frustrated right now and need space to vent. It's tiring, finding opportunities and having them fall through, trying to sell your self to someone without honestly telling them that look, there's this much I know. I think I'm intelligent enough to do the job you want. I work my butt off and am genuinely interested and curious and there's no way you will regret it. Instead, I'm trying to impress some shmuck who wants me to know what he knows (when half the stuff can be googled). If I asked him to do what I do, would he know as much? I don't think so.

And I don't want to vent to her, it isn't fun when the other person is whining all the time. But the thing is, every time I talk to her, I just want to get back to her, get on with my life and have her completely in it. Some how the voice down the phone doesn't do it. And when I met her in December, I got a small taste of what life would be like, for the good and the bad and I wanted it. "I saw what I wanted and all I got was a lousy ten days...and this t shirt"

Y'know, I do read self-helpy stuff (not Dr. Phil, more Mathieu Ricard) and I do try out the stuff they suggest, but sometimes the most cathartic things seems like coming apart at the seams in frustration.

Yesterday I was frustrated enough to blow off steam at the gym even though its -7 Celcius outside.

Oh and to add to the frustration, there's more. So each time I get angst-addled, I wonder if this is how I'm supposed to react or if it's the reaction of a 17 year old. I suppose I'm meant to take it in my stride and not throw off my hat and jump on it and on the outside I do shrug it off and go, okay, well, moving on then...but it's not easy. This protracted attempt to get a job that I want is so frustrating.
I really think I need more of the gym and to meditate.

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Relationshipwise, well, I don't want to talk about it, I really really don't. Every time I talk about something working out, and I don't mean relationshippy just stuff, it goes kablooie in the face see? But I think it's going well and I'm happy.

Not as happy as I would have been being with her in the same place so as to not to have to flip the page over in the atlas but I'm working on it…still working on it

It is interesting, however I will add. It's not just boy-girl mush. We can have actual conversations about interesting things, and that's a first for me.

But again, I don't want to get into it because if it goes kablooie, and I hope it doesn't (ever), then well, I'll have to start a whole new blog and I can't be bothered to, too much effort so I'm going to make sure nothing goes wrong

(I'm kidding! There are reasons beyond the effort of having to create a new blog for being with you Shorty…well, a few anyway!)

(I kid! I kid!)

J

But Bombay was a lot of fun. It was comfortable and open and fun. And … okay I'm stopping now just in case this puts a hex on it.

But yeah, I do agree with her statement, “It’s like I’m introducing you to your first adult, meaningful relationship”

Ugh, to be able to step out of myself, sock myself in the face and knock some sense into me. I really need to stop throwing tantrums and well, grow up

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I'm the least judgmental person there is. Of course, sitting in the car, after eating street dosas (dude, what is it with dosas in Bombay? A Chinese dosa with noodles and ketchup stuffed? Cheese? I'm sorry, give me Sagar Ratna in Malviya Nagar any day), in her car, the penny dropped.

And while she was kicked that she figured out something about me, it his me smack between the eyes – I am not judgmental because the minute I start, I see people for who they are, their faults and insecurities and that takes away from them. And when I was younger, that meant I wouldn't be able to be around them and would get very frustrated. So, I blocked it all out and became non judgmental. The problem is, it kept me from seeing people who they really were. I would have broken up with the Ex long before, not put up with another friends bullshit for a whole year and on the whole, not gotten hurt as much.

But I guess I was scared of being lonely more than anything else so just put up with it. And my friends, as much as I care about some of them, can be forceful and domineering. And some times vacuous and frustrating. I guess all I can do is accept it and still want to be friends with them.

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My friends don't get really me and I don't know why that still surprises me

Me: so, did you have any interesting essays to write for B-School?

S: Stanford asked about what matters to you the most and why?

A, N, S: making a difference in the world

Now, as noble as that may be, I don't think it's true. For the application, sure, but heck, who am I to disagree, maybe all three *do* want to change the world. But I'm a bit selfish

Me: I never want to stop learning, figuring out new things all the time

(yes, I lack my usual loquaciousness but this was with a Portuguese-wine-thickened tongue, so bite yours)

.

.

.

N: you can't not share, don't you want to give back to the world? You can't do things alone?

Sweetheart, I have been for a very long time. At least I'm honest enough to admit that the singularly most important thing for me in this life is to make the most of it because I truly do believe the only purpose is to live through every experience sent your way. It's a mish-mashed philosophy drawing from the Greeks, Hinduism and Buddhism, Richard Bach, whatever you want. I can't profess that the most important thing is to give back. If I truly believed that, if I really really did, I'd give up everything and spend every minute in the service of others, just like anyone who claims that that's what's important to them, someone like yourself...oh, wait...

Me: Well, if someone isn't interested, then I'm not going to force them right?

When did wanting to spend your life learning as much as you can become a selfish thing?

Me: and if someone is interested in something I know a lot about , hell I'll spend all the time with them they want

N: Whatever Z, you can't spend your life alone, man is not an island

I know, which is why I do most of the things I like alone, because (up until recently) I didn't have anyone to share interesting stuff with, no offense intended

S: I think there comes a time in your life when you want to give back and …he isn't at…that point, he'sstillakid...like when you have a kid

…what. the. fuck?

I've skipped from philanthropy vs. living your life as the primary goal to being too selfish to have a kid. You either need to lay off the booze or think before speaking.

If it's someone I love, I will bend over ass-backward for them. But would I be willing to give up everything to spend every moment helping others? No. But neither would you sweetheart. And as for a kid, I refuse to comment on my ability to take care of one, least of all when it comes to one of my own.

This is exactly why I refuse to be open and share my thoughts and feelings. Ever since I was 16 or 17, I read that it was one person's opinion that the best life is a life of meditation/contemplation and that the point of it all was to make the most of everything we had, to really learn as much as we could. I really believe in that and that's who I am. Of course, if this is dismissed as being selfish, then well, fuck you.

I don't for a minute feel like I don't want to give back but even that is on my own terms yeah? I can't agree with the Mother Teresa approach of building a shelter for people to live. Yes, it's important,but if I had a million bucks, I'd want to give it all to kids who want to go to school, to people trying to make renewable energy to save the planet, to preserving forests, to fostering animals treated brutally...that's my brand, that's how I want to do it, it ties in with what I believe in.

But yes, right now, the most important thing to me is to learn as much as I can, it gives me a rush. And I'm sorry if I'm not one of those 25 year olds who wants to "give back" (in the sense that others mean it).

Are you really telling me that everyone is out to change the world? Then fuck business school, go and volunteer. Don't tell me B-school isn't about getting a better paying job, that's bull-fucking-hypocritical-shit, how will working with a bulge bracket change the world?

Yeesh, so much for honesty

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Things I have bought:

· Photoshop CS3

· Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life's Most Important Skill by Mathieu Ricard

· The Digital Photography Book, Volume 2, by Scott Kelby

· The Adobe Photoshop CS3 Book for Digital Photographers by Scott Kelby

· SanDisk CF II Flash Card

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New Movies:
• Juno -- yet to watch this film but I do like Cerra, ever since Arrested Development
• Spirited Away -- yet to see
• Across the Universe -- yet to see, but quite kicked about it, set to Beatles music, trippy and recommended by the Short One
• Charlie Wilson's War -- yet to see, came across and HBO special, was curious
• Sin City -- Frank Miller! Hard to turn down
• Driving Miss Daisy -- surprisingly, yet to see
• The Lives of Others -- brilliant, the lead apparently died shortly afterward but he did an absolutely brilliant job. And the movie itself feels like the period it's set in, a period of the thought-police, stolid actors, grey, reserved, I loved it
• The Fountain -- now this was interesting and very very trippy. It's, I suppose, a love story across forever mixed in with science fiction
• The Transformers -- oh come now, okay yeah, I loved them as a kid but this movie is pretty faithful to the storyline and I know people who hadn't of the Transformers and still liked the movie...it's one of those that's a decent action flick, not just stuff blowing up but a rush nonetheless, kinda like AvP and yes, before you snobs roll your eyes, a decent movie too
• Mostly Martha -- the original of the vapid Catherine Zeta flick, No Reservations. Plus it has Gedeck, the actress from The Lives of Others...cute without being sappy

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New music:

Boy with a Coin – Iron & Wine

Hey Ya – Obadiah Parker

Idioteque – Obadiah Parker

Old Number Seven – The Devil Makes Three

Music is my Hot Hot Sex – CSS

Funeral Dress – William Fitzsimmons

One Big Holiday -- My Morning Jacket

Violin with Inka One – Paul Dateh

No Diggity – The Klaxons

The Way I Am – Ingrid Michaelson

The Long Walk Back – Just Off Turner

Nothin – Woven

Disappear – Kaitee Page

Hunting for Witches – Bloc Party (Ruckus Robotic version)

Getcha Girl – The Moon & Monday

My Friends – Stereophonics

Ashes to Ashes – David Bowie

Bohemian Like You – The Dandy Warhols

Creep – Radiohead

I Hate Camera – The Bird & the Bee

Diablo Rojo – Rodrigo y Gabriela

None Shall Pass – Aesop Rock

Dec '07

StumbleUpon Words

It's odd how sometimes you hear just what you need to, from the least expected source. In my case, it was StumbleUpon!

THEY Got Blisters on Their Fingers!

More about Rodrigo y Gabriela

I Wanted to Write

I do watch BBC while getting ready and when I get home. But it leaves me with the same thought -- why can't people just get along? Pakistan you have a power struggle and people die, the Middle East where a lot of it is, and let's face it, dogmatic principles of something that may entirely be a product of the human need to find meaning but how on EARTH does that entail taking another human life?
Okay, I don't want to sound holier than thou and I perhaps could think of a few people I would have done away with if I were Grand High Poobah Ruler of the Universe. But the point remains, how much of it is unnecessary. And it makes me sad to think of the kind of place I will bring another life into.

There is so much beauty in the world, so many things to see and understand, and even beauty created by men. Van Gogh, Da Vinci, Mozart, Neruda, the piano, zeniths of greatness, the ability to change the course of history...but still, I can't help be a cynic sometimes.

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I want to write but am lost as to what. I need to find something on to focus, to take me away from waiting for the phone to ring from this chap who runs a fund in India, yeah...still looking for a job.

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It's turning cold again in the City, I can hear the wind making that quiet hissing between the now brown and orange leaves. I love walking down the cement after a rain at this time of the year. The rain makes the leaves stick to the pavement and in the morning they are blow away by the maintenance crews but the dust imprint of the leaves still lingers, like so many brown chalk outlines.
The lights are coming up, the thin naked trees near the place I get breakfast, the corner of 57th and 6th, have a string of lights that look a bit comical at night, trying to cover themselves up. The lobby has a beautiful Christmas tree, several feet tall and all decked out for the Holidays. People walk past on their way home, arms with shopping bags or cradling Christmas themed Starbucks cinnamon lattes. The huge crystal light is up on 5th avenue and I can see it from the office window.
I was in London this time last year. Piccadilly Circus had those garish lights up and people seemed happy near the Troccodero.
I have to go shopping for my family and list ranges from flip-flops from Gap to Splenda to a laptop.

I find it hard to sit in silence and to just be. Even then I am thinking about what to do to occupy myself. It's the silences in my head that I try and stave off. I wonder why, what's hidden behind the chatter that goes on in there.

(a big smile)

BBC America is advertising the shows I used to watch on my couch in London. London was fun after all despite all the confusion. I just wish I had known that then. I had an absolutely brilliant time, even when I was sitting and sulking on the couch, Bobo sharing the sulk.

Oh dear, an end of the year post in the making? Time to take stock and all that?

If I had to think of five things to sum up the year, the first five, the Short One, moving, confusion, my folks, engagement.
I suspect the second and third and inter-related

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So many words and nothing said. What a waste

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How much is left to chance? Why do we try and wrest control from (Fate)? Everything is an accident, a happy chance. From conception to the moment of death, precious few instances are truly under our control.
People try and dictate how you should live your life, create an illusion of control to create some sense of order and direction. But in the end, perhaps it all is a question of chance. A chance meeting, being at the right place at the serendipitous moment, the right words said, the right train missed, the fortunate delay, all of them causing events way beyond our control, too many variable to know them all.
The only thing we DO control is how we react, how we recover when we stumble and fall, and how we let things affect us. But perhaps that's all we need?

And Something Scary/Wonderful/Haunting/Happy/Used/Tired/Mad/Gleeful...

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Something Brilliant

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